Off topic

So this morning the gang celebrated the ritual snipping of the Gonging Gabbai's youngest. Mazal Tov to Mr and Mrs Gonging Gabbai. The brit deserves special mention because both Mr and Mrs Gonging Gabbai gave awesome speeches where there was a brief dvar Torah, a nice succinct explanation why they named their son what they did and very limited (almsot none!) mushy gushy stuff.

While mushy gushy stuff in a brit/simchat bat speech really has nothing to do with shul or nusach, the fact that britot/smachot bat are often celebrated in a shul is good enough for me to include some discussion here on the blog.

Did you ever notice that brit/simchat bat speeches often make people very uncomfortable. There are a number of elements that can casue this discomfort:
1. The hesped for the person that the child has been named for. Examples:

• We have named our child Yosef after my great great great grandfather Reb Yosef Stalinsky. Zaide Yosef was a man of the people but also a leader. It was said that his appetite for cholent could cause famine and his strong belief in the abeshter as the lone רופא in the world caused him to have issues with doctors. Zaide Yosef was so machmir when it came bedikat chametz that he would do everything possible to purge his  house of items he did not thing were acceptable.
• We have named our son Yankel after Shprintzee's great uncle. Yankel learned all of shas twice everyday. He would fast everday but shabbes. He loved dipping in ice cold mikvaos. And his conviction for money laundering, tax fraud, racketeering and pimping was anti-semitic. Yankel was the gabbi of the sfardishe minyan in Federal Prison and we hope that out little Yankel will follow in his footsteps.
• We have named our daughter Gittle Genendal after Zalmi's bubbe. Bubbe made chicken soup (the speaker starts crying) and gefilte fish (more weeping)....Her jellied calf's foot was loved by all those that were willing to taste it (starts wailing). 

Yes people like to dress up their yichus or alternativly start telling us very banal information.  Why we have to hear about it is beyond me.

2. The couple decide to let everyone know that they love one another. Examples:

• Sara'leh, I just want to tell you I love you so much (all the Americans in the room now go Ohhhhhh while the NF starts barfing) and I still would even if your father didn't agree to support me in kollel for another five years.
• Oh Bracha, following the birth of our 8th child last week, I can tell you any lingering doubts I had about us are gone. (the NF was actually at a bris where I heard this)
• Oh Chavie, Thank you for bearing my children. I love you and I'm not just saying because otherwise you'll make me sleep on the sofa

Folks, keep it to yourselves. I like to simply assume that a couple who are on child number 7 love one another. I don't need to hear it. And more often than not, the statement of love comes out cold or insincerely making me think that maybe the new father really does have lingering doubts (or is in love with his chavruta)

Anyway, Mazal Tov again to the Gonging Gabbai Family. שתזכו לגדלו לתורה לחופה ולמעשים טובים

Baruch Dayan Emet

(Given the circumstances, I'm going to break my usual blogging protocol of using nicknames and initials)

Last night, a good friend and member of the neighborhood chevra, Marc Weinberg (שמעון אלימלך בן אלחנן דוד הכהן וסימה רבקה), passed away at the young age of 35 after a gallant three year fight with Leukemia and GvH.

Marc and I met back in 1993-4 while learning in Gush and despite Marc's general dislike for Americans, we became good friends. When my wife and I moved to England in 1999, Marc and I had a chance to reconnect --- by then he was dating his future wife, Natalie, an old friend of Mrs. NF's brother. Marc and Natalie in characteristic fashion were incredibly warm and welcoming. On Yom Kippur, the NF and his wife davened in the Bnai Akiva Bayit and each mitpallel was given a time to do shmira by the front door of the shul to be on the lookout for anything suspicious. The gabbai giving out the times gave me the 10 minutes at the end of Neila. Marc noticed this and insisted on taking my time slot --- telling me that giving a newcomer the worst shemira time slot possible is not appropriate hachnasat orchim.

Years later we all connected again in our new neighborhood in Modiin. Marc and Natalie insited on having us over for supper the day we moved into our new home. Something that Marc said that day really stands out in my mind. As Natalie brought drinks to the table, Marc quickly offered my two older kids some juice. He then turned to his older daughter, Yona (then about 3) and explained that part of hachnasat orchim is offereing your guests food and drink even before taking for yourself.  For me, Marc's simple statement to Yona was representative of a key part of Marc's persona --- a complete dedication to Jewish Education and making every opportunity an educational one.

Marc was the ultimate student (and teacher) of Judaism. the phrase "ושננתם לבניך ודברת בם" was central to him. Looking at his impressive library, Marc loved delving into classic texts, philosophy and history. Any new thought provoking book, article or film needed to be discussed and analyzed. When mentioning  that I had just fininshed a book or seen a film, his response was always, "Nu", an indication that he wanted to borrow what ever I had just finished so that we could discuss its contents.

When it came time to select a school track for his older daughter, we spoke for hours debating the pros and cons of each option. Marc wanted the educational framework that would ensure that his daughter would be a knowledgable, sensitive and engaged Jew when she reached adulthood. Marc ultimatly selected the option that would require the most effort from him and Natalie telling me that other options might provide a stronger framework in the early years but only significant investment at home would instill in his daughter the love of Judaism that he was seeking for her.

Marc was not just a student of Judaism. He was also an engaged member of the greater Jewish community that took the phrase "וכל מי שעוסקים בצרכי ציבור באמונה" very seriously. He was mazkir artzi of Bnai Akiva in the UK. Later, Marc was a founder of the Alei Ziyyon minyan in London and was a co-founder (with the NF) of the first Shabbat and Yamim Noraim minyan in our new neighborhood. Even after falling ill almost three years ago, Marc made significant efforts to fundraise for our shul.

Marc was blessed with a pleasant voice and an excellent ear. As a child he sang in the London School of Jewish Song and in honour of BA's 60th anniversary in the UK, he helped put out (and sang on) a CD. This past Rosh Hashana he led Maariv on the second night, davening beautifully inspiring those present.

Marc was much more than just student of Judaism and an engaged member of the commmunity. I'm sure that both at the leviya today (at 5 PM in the Modiin cemetary) and over the course of the shiva, people will provide their perspectives of this most unique and special person.

יהי זכרו ברוך

To his wife Natalie, daughters, Yona and Maayan, parents,  Henry and Sema and sister, Deborah  ---
המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים

Self Gratification

Yesterday, as the haftara was being completed, the NF saw Shloime Baruch heading up to the shulchan to serve as chazzan for Musaf.

It was late --- given that it was Shabbat Rosh Hodesh --- and very stuffy in the kindergarten where the NF's shul davens. Right before תפילה לשלום המדינה a few people standing around the shulchan all whispered  יעלה and סע  to Shloime. (Translation: It's late...no nonsense please). So what did Shloime do? He starts a very schleppy Avinu Avinu and calls up the old choir from Yom Haatzmaut --- they even hummed Hatikva at the end while Shloime read the end of the tefilla prose style. Barf. Neither he nor the choir members noticed that most of the shul members were rolling their eyes or giggling.
Shloime has commited the shul crime of cantorial masturbation --- that is self gratification through the unwanted introduction of cantorial pieces into the davening. No one wanted to hear Avinu Avinu and certainly not with the choir. And that hatikva bit was completely uncalled for. The NF couldn't take it anymore....so when little NF #4 pooed himself (he's still in diapers), the NF volunteered to leave shul early to change him (Mrs. NF forgot to bring diapers). Mrs. NF stayed for musaf and reported that Shloime:
1. Schlepped through musaf (she thought it would never end)
2. Then turned around to the kahal at the end of davenign and asked for a cigarette.

When the NF got to mincha, he noticed that Shloime seemed to be having trouble seeing and his palms were getting a bit hairy....

The only positive takeaway from this whole experience is that Mrs NF has told the NF he can daven at the Neighborhood Hashkama minyan (the nicest minyan in town in my book --- not too rushed, ok singing etc) for the next few weeks.

Shavua tov,

the NF

Shavuot round-up and Parshat Naso

There were three highlights to the NF's Shavuot:

1. My wife's cooking and specifically --- an incredibly good onion cheese quiche that found the perfect balance between savory and sweet as well as between creamy and flaky; and a grade A cheesecake that had a velvety texture, a custardy aftertaste and just the right hint of vanilla flavour. Both were very rewarding...but the NF digresses. (Can you tell that the NF really wanted to be a food critic?)

2. J's excellent arvit on Shavuot night and YS's excellent shacharit on shavuot monring. Friends, these guys know nusach. The Society of Nusach Freakhood is pleased to annouce that both J and YS are the winners of this month's highest Nusach honour: The Golden Shtender. Way to go gentlemen (and I use the term loosely).

3. Timmy went and asked the gonging gabbai of he could daven musaf on chag --- Unfortunetly the gonging gabbai didn't say no and Timmy proceeded to mumble through חזרת הש"ץ. Gong. and he faked the nusach badly. Gong.
While Timmy gave us his poor rendition, J, YS and the NF sat inventing new charade pantomimes for suicide. It was the third highlight of my chag. Pantomimes included:

• shooting oneself in the temple
• inserting a pistol in one's mouth and shooting.
• Hanging oneself.
• Opening a jar of pills, pouring out the entire contents into the other hand and swallowing
• Slitting one's writs
• Jumping out of a building
• electrocuting oneself
• inserting a stick of dynamite into one's mouth and setting off the charge
• inserting a sword into one's stomach, samurai style
• Turning on the gas oven and then inserting one's head.

Yes. Musaf was that bad.

Parshat Naso.

"H" Davened friday night..."H" Has a very very nice voice and is the chazzan in the NF's shul now and again (especially during the chagim). Yet he was super gonged firday night....he was schleppy and sang in a way so that no one could sing along and ----- he couldn't decide on a nusach --- he said כגוונא, then skipped ויצמח פורקניה before kaddish. After מגן אבות he said מזמור לדוד but then omitted ויצמח פורקניה in קדיש before ברכו. Gong Gong Gong.

Mendy davened musaf --- as he got up there, the NF was sure we were in for an avinu avinu followed by some idiotic melody for קדיש before musaf. But alas, Mendy davened really nicely with no shenanigans. Apparently, the Gonging Gabbai told him he had 10 minutes....Way to go Gonging Gabbai.

Dr. D spent shabbat at a hotel and called me this morning to let me know that he experienced (in his words) --- "Beating the crap out of the gong" after hearing a really terrible chazzan friday night. Interesting.

It has come to the NF's attention that Yoni R. posted a link to Nusach Freak in the comments section of  the Life in Israel blog in response to a post mentioning the shul on the beach.

apparently, the rav of the aforementioned shul read my blog entry --- here are his comments:
that {} post is highly offensive, wildly inaccurate and shows such a small-minded attitude about Judaism.


Pathetic.
 
Le me respond by saying that the NF blog is satire --- the NF will often make use of the absurd (example: making kiddush on humus flavoured schnapps) as part of that satire --- the NF is not trying to be 100% accurate. If one doesn't appreciate satire in general or my joking about shul/nusach, there isn't much more I can say than Gong and we all give you the finger (so you can lein of course). However, it is never my intent to insult. So to anyone who may have been offended by my postings I say:
1. Please accept my apologies and
2. Please don't read my blog anymore.
 

Being a Zionist...

...does not mean singing everything in the siddur to the melody of Hatikva.
Or so the NF thought until this past Shabbat.

Kabbalat Shabbat was led by Timmy --- who sang Lecha Dodi to Hatikva. Kitsch! The NF was not terribly bothered because I was deeply engrossed in  a really interesting book recently purchased at the Mossad Harav Kook book sale. The NF's mother-in-law, spending shabbat with Mr. and Mrs. NF was not nearly as generous and grumbled all the way home that using Hatikva for Lecha Dodi was cheesy, kitschy and boring. (For those of you who know my very Israeli Mo in Law, you will recall that she worked for years in the Israeli ministry of tourism in various consular offices --- we suspect she was actually Mossad---...I didn't think anything in the world could be too cheesy or kitschy in her book.)

Shabbat morning, Shloime Baruch hastely put together a choir to sing Avinu Avinu with full choral accompaniment. Given that they had all of about 15 minutes to practice, it actually sounded allright (if a bit flat). You may recall that the NF is not opposed to  singing Avinu Avinu the Shabbat before Yom Haatzmaut (and the first shabbat of a war*).  However, for the second non-choral half of tefilla lshalom hamedina, Shloime read prose style while the choir hummed hatikva. Cheeeeeeesy. The NF almost barfed on his shoes.

Then at the end of musaf, someone thought it would be a good idea to sing Anim Zemirot to Hatikva. The NF really wanted to scream "Enough!" Instead of doing this cheesy, faux-zionist crap, how about finding ways to improve the country. Here are a few ways:
1. Introduce the concept of customer service,
2. Refrain from picking your nose in public
3. Stop peeing on the side of the road towards on-coming traffic.
4. Block the import of henna-hair colouring dyes/products so that the 99.9% of women over 59 in Israel who colour their hair will stop looking like Bozo the clown.
5. Teach people how to drive

Disgusted, the NF went home from shul and decided to show his family what true zionism really is by making kiddush on Hummus flavoured schnnaps.

-The NF

BTW, after hearing yet another part of davening sung to the melody of Hatikva, the Rishon Ltzion of Uruguay suggested that we sing Hatikva to the melody of Hava Nagila (try it --- it's much harder than you think).



* if a second war breaks out in the same calendar year, there is no need to sing Avinu Avinu again.

reaching new heights

So Friday night, the gabbaim had the old guy who inspired the KTC post lead maariv (one of many Alvins ---as in Alvin and the Chipmunks --- led a satisfactory Kabbalat Shabbat).

This old guy has no business davening anywhere including the Jewish home for the deaf  (as will be explained later) but for some reason, the gabbaim alwasys ask him when he makes an appearance in our little shul. So the old guy kept trying to do trills to embellish his already poor nusach but everytime he did, he flew off-key. During magen avot, two items of interest occured:
1. The old guy closed his eyes and sang --- (I'm being very generous when I call it that) --- Not reading from a siddur he finished off with the words "עם מדושני עונג". We then had an awkward 3-5 second period before everyone started yelling "זכר למעשה בראשית" at the old guy.
2. The NF noticed that somethign was happening to his digestive tract everytime the old guy opened his mouth. Indeed, the old guy's voice was so shrill, everytime he "sang", the NF could feel his intestinal villus vibrate uncomfortably. For the first time in the NF's life, a chazzan was so bad he interupted normal digestive function. Here we had a chazzan that would even be gonged by a deaf person.

Me thinks, that we have found a natural substitute for Ex-Lax. Yoni R., could you prepare the patent documentation?

the NF

Pesach

Hope everyone is relieved that Pesach has passed...

For a number of highly technical reasons, the NF will not be posting on his Pesach experience.

Yoni R. did send me a very cute forward which makes reference to our favorite element of Pesach leining...

enjoy.