A Last Kaddish

Shalom! It has been a very long time since the NF graced the hollowed blogsphere with his words of wit and wisdom...alas, life has been busy leaving me with little to blog about good and bad nusach.

I decided to reopen the blog as in 9 days I will finish saying kaddish for my mother (ע"ה) who passed away this past February after a long illness.

I must say, aveilut stinks but all-in-all, saying kaddish has been a very positive experience. A few thoughts:

• Especially during shloshim, kaddish forced me into a schedule (albeit an exhausting one) and required me to interact with people at a time that all I wanted to do was wallow unhealthily at home. 
• Early on, I settled on davening at my famous South Jerusalem's early morning minyan (5:59 on S,T,W,F 5:49 on M, Th and 5:44 on Rosh Hodesh). Why not start a minyan off from a round time like 6:00, 5:50 and 5:50? Because that's how ve did in Frankfurth! ok? (I actually have no idea if that's true but it sounds funny especially when said in a German accent)
• This minyan is fantastic! Mostly grouchy older men/retirees. The minyan is big enough that you never have to struggle to get a minyan but you notice if someone is not there or if there is a visitor. Anyway, when I started davening before the amud during shloshim, I asked what speed they wanted. The answer: It doesn't matter. As long as you are done by 6:27. Of course, if I finish at 6:26 I am told off for being too fast. Most of these retired dudes just go home to fight with their wives....
• I am lucky enough to work for a large Israeli company with 3500 employees and a nice shul on the ground floor of our office tower. I can't say I love the mincha crowd (mostly masorati, ethnic, Breslov-loving/constantly saying tikkun klali who love to yell out random things while I force them to listen to nusach Ashkenaz in my American-light accent) but it has helped to get the job done.
• Arvit has been a challenge here and there but living in JLM I can always find a minyan - even late. I even caused a fist fight in a charedi shteibel. The shteibal had a clear policy that the chazzan determines the nusach - I picked Ashkenaz (although my true nusach is sephardi, growing up ashkenazi, being trained as an ashkenazi baal tephila and going to an ashkenazi shul, I decided I would simply daven ashkenazi all year). After kaddish titkabel in arvit, I started to say aleinu - meanwhile a particularly rotund chussid yelled out Shir Lamalot, esa aynai....and as he finished pointed to another chussid to say kaddish. I simply waited patiently, said עלינו  and kaddish and headed out of the shteibel. As I did, a group of shasnikim approached the chussid and started yelling that what he did was an affront to all mankind (ok to the shteibel and to the mizruchnik chazzan) and that he wasn't welcome there any more. Fists started flying and I have not gone back since.
• Saying kaddish with other aveilim and yahrtziers (is that a term?), I have come across 2 distinct groups of people:
• There are the team players that make sure everyone is going the same speed so that everyone can participate with a modicum of respect. 
• There are those that go faster or are louder while putting emphasis on certain words so that everyone else gets tripped up. Really? Is that what your parent taught you - to have your "experience" at the expense of someone else? Do you think that making everyone else who is saying kaddish miserable is a good way to remember your dead relative? Of course, its the same people who insist on all sorts of kibbudim on the shabbat before and the day of a yahrzeit including davening when tone deaf. Remember, when a parent dies, the child becomes an avel not a chazzan. 

As you may have guessed, the NF is not very spiritual. I am not sure what the phrase "her neshama should have an aliya" means (hell! no one wanted to give her in aliya in shul before she died) and at one point, our shul rav mentioned that the most important tefilla for which to be the chazan is arvit on motza"sh because...he started saying something about neshamot being in purgatory as shabbat ends and then my eyes went glassy and I simply smiled and said - "uh, ok". 

I have said kaddish everyday since the kvura, at all three tephillot for a very simple reason: Kibud av v'em. It is away to show respect, to stop and think a few times a day of the person I have lost and most importantly to apply a life lesson that almost every parent tries to teach his/her kid: be considerate and when appropriate put others before your yourself. Every outing, business meeting, even sitting down to dinner have centered around catching the next relevant minyan. Family travel plans and much needed R&R have been delayed to after aveilut. To some this may sound extreme or unnecessary but I actually found it comforting to think, these 11 months are not about me. Herb Keinon of the JPost has a nice way of saying it here.

Of course, aveilut has had its funny moments:

• On the plane to the US for the kvura/shiva it was late morning and as an onen, I had not davened or put on tefillin that day. A chabadnik, looking for a chiloni/mizrukhnik victim, asked me if I had put on tefillin that day. When I said no, he was so excited....until I told him that I was an onen
• At the shloshim siyum, I mentioned to the rav of our shul that the beard was annoying but the length of my mustache was driving me crazy (and made eating hard). The rav responded that I should have told him; I could have trimmed the mustache if it was interfering with eating.   NF #4, 16 years old and irreverent (I wonder where he got that from) said: "Don't worry Abba - next time"
• My Israeli mother-in-law  (whose English is good but not always perfect) was staying with us for Shabbat the week after I got up from shiva. She enjoys finding amazing baked goods in the various bakeries run by the French-olim community here in JLM. As I came downstairs on shabbat morning she told me in English that she had put an incredible looking almond tort on the kitchen bar but I couldn't have any (she meant because she knew I was avoiding sugar). I asked her if I couldn't have any because I am an orphan.   

As a general note aveilut has been very hard - not just for me but for Mrs. NF and the not so little anymore little NFs.  I was given a rather machmir psak regarding when and how I could participate in social activities - and quite frankly, the year has caused some unintended severe social isolation. Obviously, if I could go back 11 months, I would have pushed back and made the psak discussion more reflective of family social need/shalom bayit  or go to a more sympathetic posek. Making things worse is that when social events have occurred, there are the invariable comments I would get afterwards from well meaning but insensitive idiots such as: "you could have attended because _____" or "so-and-so is also an aveil and he attended". Not helpful. Had I wanted your opinion, I would beat it out of you. Likewise, someone recently asked if I would do a victory kaddish for my last one of the 11 months. Really? Is this some kind of joke? I will say kaddish slowly and be respectful of those around me also saying kaddish ---- just as my mother would want me to be.