Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Oh All right

Shana Tova to the greater gonging community....

Many of you have asked me when I would be posting my recap of the High Holiday days and the truth is, I have had no time to write ---- until now.

So here we go: Selichot: for the first time since childhood, I didn't make it to the "big Motza"sh Selichot" (Jewish Midnight Mass). Mrs NF is a medical professional and as such, was working in the hospital on selichot night.

The NF stayed home with the 4 little NFs. The Logical African reported that the Great Synagogue was well, great....The LA was also kind enough to send me a link to a recording of selichot at Ner Yisrael in Hendon, London with Stephen Goldberg leading. A good listen in my opinion.

The NF had a rather busy RH/YK... I davened all three days and was a nusach/niggun coach for neilah.... 

RH day 1: The NF led shacharit in the shul Hashkama minyan:
Melody choices:
1. אתה הוא אלוקינו ---- נער הייתי 
2. ה' מלך - the traditional Gush melody
3. לאל עורך דין - אנא ה' 

Personal grade: B+, I didn't feel well and made some minor mistakes that no one other than me noticed.
Baal musaf was fast, had good traditional nusach and was boring as sin.

RH day 2: The NF led shacharit in the main minyan:
1. Shulachti - Beshem Hashem (Carlebach)
2. Ata Hu Elokenu - Ana HAshem (Carlebach)
3. Melech Elyon - First the Krakower niggun and then this modzitz niggun 
4. Hashem Melech - the traditional Gush melody
5. Kedusha - Rachem Bchasdecha...

 Of course, in chazarat hashatz, I threw in a simcha lartzecha and in Avina Malkeinu, a tehei hashaa hazot. Vaani tefilati was sung to vlirushalayim.

No questions asked, I got the room singing.
Personal Grade: A

Dr. D led a pretty much flawless musaf which managed to really get the room going. As usual it was a pleasure to listen to.

 The Rav of the shul awarded both the NF and Dr D golden shtenders, asked us if we would be willing to become the chazzanim for life (with a salary) and have our oldest respective sons marry his daughters. OK, the latter two items didn't happen but he did ask us to stand by his side during neila and provide musical support (ie, start the melodies, provide harmonies etc).

 YK was soon upon us and after a quick mikveh run, the NF was sitting down on Friday afternoon to two different kinds of kreplach prepared by Mrs. NF. Delicious. Mrs. NF has won a golden spatula.

Arriving at shul, Dr. D and the NF took our seats in the overflow/vatikin minyan (where we would be davening in the morning) just as Dr.CT was starting to intone Kol Nidrei. I have never heard such a technically correct, souless rendition. It was as dry as a camel turd in the middle of the Sahara.

The NF and Dr. D quickly went upstairs to the main minyan where the baal tefilla attempted to integrate well known pop songs (this and this) into the selichot to make the 3 and half chilonim in the room feel more comfortable.

 YK morning - the NF led shacharit in the vatikin minyan (5:40 start, 6:05 HaMelech, End of Shacharit: 7:50)
Melody selection:

El Adon - Ein k'erkecha
Ata hu - Ya Ribbon (Gush)
Hayom Yikatev - Mochel Avonot
Melech Elyon - the usual Carlebach set to get it over with quickly
Al Yisrael - vhavitotim
Haderet vaHemuna - the seuda Shlishit melody
L'El Orech din - Ana Hashem
Kedusha - Breslav lecha Dodi
Ki Anu Amecha - Tzama Nafshi
Val Kulam - Modzitz
Vani Tefillati - Baruch El Elyon
Personal Grade: A-/A

Dr. D led his usual flawless musaf. Neila was really nice with lots of good singing. Dr. D and I managed to teach the kehilla mochel avonot and we finished excatly on time. More importantly, the massive ice coffee the NF drank just seconds after making havdalla was inspired.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Pshhhhhhhhhh

Why is it that when people see a "chushuva" or even a not so "chushuva" person get a kibud they have a natural inclination to make a rude sound.

"Yaamod Yankel ben Zalman, Shlishi"

Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

What does a sound reminding us of the act of urination have to do with getting a kibud?

This question has been asked by numerous rabbis (I use that term loosely considering the current state of the cheif rabbanite in Israel) and has been answered as follows:
1. I'm so very impressed that my neighbor, the am haaretz, has been given shlishi that I have literally wet my pants. In recognition of this, I make a peepee sound.
2. My neighbor has recently had prostate surgery and needs all the encouragement he can get.
3. Pshhhhh does sound like peeing but it also sounds like something deflating. We direct this sound at our neigbor to let him know that he shouldn't let the kavod go to his head --- he should deflate his ego.
4. In a  similr  vein, it is brought down in a book written by some guy with a long beard that kibudim are typically given to chushuva people. Of course these people are generally no more chushuv than my belly button lint so it has become minhag yisroel to let them no that despite this kibud they are getting, they are still a bunch of pishers.
5. A pishing sound is better than a flatulation sound.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

A new term

As noted in the last few posts, the NF now davens in a shul that has a very low tolerance for shtuyot which means that very little material has made itself available in the last 11 months since we moved.

But this past Shabbat was special --- Sitting through a complelty inoffensive shacharit   a new term was born.

Baal shacharit was an old guy with completly inoffensive and boring but tolerable nusach. But then when the Torah was taken out, he decided that despite the fact that there was a long double parsha and birchat hahodesh, it would be a good idea to sing Beh Ana Rachitz very very slowly. And then it dawned on me. the chazzan wasn't guilty of cantorial masturbation; No he was guilty of cantorial stupidity.

We managed to get through the leining and then the Swiss Army Thespian got up to daven musaf. He did the יהי רצון for ברכת החדש using the old school, שיבנה בית המקדש melody. The melody kind of makes me think of hava nagila, gefilte fish balls, electric blue carpeting, satin talitot and the Men's Club at a 1960s-era Orthodox/Conservative shul. But Swiss pulled it off ok and I suppose the melody is appropriate for the month of Av. He then correctly used the אלי ציון melody for יחדשיהו.

But then we got to Kedusha. Now, Swiss has mentioned to me a number of times that he is looking to win a golden shtender. But yesterday, Swiss did not win anything....

First he used the melody from אין לי ארץ אחרת which is both ugly and inappropriate for kedusha. But I could have forgiven him for that.....and then we had Sunrise/Sunset for the 2nd half of Kedusha. Oh barf!  Frankly, it made everyone feel icky all over.

As a general rule of thumb, we should try to keep Broadway and shul separate.

Sorry, Swiss, you have been gonged.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

As requested by a mitpallel- a Post Pesach Post

Dear Nusach Freak readers....
the NF would love to continue entertainign you with his writing. But well, as the NF has moved to the holy city of Jerusalem and started praying at a rather well-known south Jerusalem synagogue, there is just nothing to write about.
The NF's new shul has 4 gabbaim of which 3 are Yekke/Swiss and literally everything runs like clockwork. The leining is flawless 99% of the time (and I mean flawless --- shva nach, nah, mapik hei etc) and the gabbaim are rather picky about who they allow to daven (the NF and Dr D are asked quite regularly). Sure you get the occaisonal cantorial masturbation or the French baal tefilla who always  starts too high and cracks or the old guy who belts out some melody from the late 19th century. But literally no new blogging material has made it itself available since Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur. Well. Until we got to Pesach that is.

1st Day - Dr. D davened a very good Shacharit with a above average hallel (only mistake - a bad melody selection for מה אשיב that left us all feeling a little bit icky)
Musaf/Tefillat Tal was not my cup of tea as I thought it failed to inspire (no one seemed to recognize any of the melodies used by the baal tefilla - from יה אלי through the מכלכל חיים after תפילת טל making for a bit of a schleppy albeit nusachly correct davening but there was no gonging going on).

Shabbat Chol Hamoed - the NF and family travelled to an Israeli coastal town to spend the weekend with relatives. Davening on Shabbat was very poor (offkey, unispired hallel, baal musaf couldn't of told you if he was davening shacharit or musaf, what chag it was or if he was davening nusach sfarad or ashkenaz) but again, the NF did not feel compelled to share his experience with you.

The NF and family returned to our home in the holy city for the 7th day of chag.  Moses said "Let my people go" and indeed the S**t hit the fan as SmartAleck led shacharit. SmartAleck has one of the nicest voices I've ever heard in a shul. I've heard him daven a few times over the last few years and the man has a clear talent in introducing complex melodies into the davening. But this 7th day of Pesach was not SmartAleck's best effort.

Shacharit started tradionally enough. Although he was a tad slow, shacharit itself was alright...until tzur yisrael before the amida. Smartaleck decided to sing the section to the Sefardi Tzur Mishelo/Los Biblicos Cantan Romanza. It's actually a nice melody which the NF  uses for ושמרו in chazarat hashat"z of Shabbat Shacharit when there is enough time and the kahal has patience ---- if there is hallel or a double parsha, I would never try to elongate the davening.

and then we hit hallel --- 35 minutes later we finished. and it was horrible. He sang things that were in the siddur. He sang things that weren't in the siddur.  Any word in hallel that reminded him of a niggun he had once heard meant he had to the sing the niggun with lots of lay lay lays etc. SmartAleck was misreading the crowd - no one was singing along and people were getting antsy. We eventually made it to הודו לה' כי טוב and SmartAleck started singing some melody I'd never heard before but sounded like something one would hear on GalGalatz....and then he did it....he anwered himself. Yes, he sang Hodu LaShem and then repeated. He then sang yomar na yisrael and then answered himself with a hodu Lashem etc. never seen that done before. gong.

Having started davening at 8:30, we fininshed hallel at the unheard of time of 9:45 (we usually finish the entire davening by 10:30)....but we weren't done. SmartAleck started הוצאת ספר תורה....upon hitting ואני תפילתי he didn't sing the traditonal meldy nor did he introduce a new innovative melody (the NF uses ולירושלים עירך on weekdays and ברול אל עליון on shabbat/YK)......no. Smartaleck started a non descript, slow, unidentifiable chant. But we weren't done. SmartAleck took the torah and said Shema using the yamim noraim melody!!!!
An old women cursed her very existence and wished she had never been born. An old man had a stroke and  babies, children and adults had diahrea right there in the shul sanctuary --- except for those who were constipated (it was Pesach after all), they threw up.
gong. Let's just say that SmartAleck is no longer being considered for a tefilla or 2 on the yamim noraim.

In other news, the NF has finished the writing stage of the sefer torah --- I brought the torah to another sofer this past week for tiyug (adding the little crowns) and then we'll start the checking process.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Funny

Sorry for not having posted much in the last few months....The NF has been really busy.

here is a very cute little video from "אנדרוס"....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKH_4-DMRus

Thursday, October 11, 2012

A Jewish Rain Dance

A reader has written in with a question regarding that Jewish Rain Dance called Tefillat Geshem:

From: "I Love the Nusach Freak"
Date: Oct 11, 2012 6:04 AM
Subject: Tefillat Geshem/Tal

To: nusachfreak@gmail.com

Dear NF,

First of all, just discovered your blog, and it's amazing. Some of our nussachim are simply specimens of beautiful composition and totally deserve the respect you pay them.

Second of all, when on Shmini Atzeret the guy davening Mussaf used the Chatzi Kaddish from Yamim Noraim Shachris (or at least something very similar), I silently went a little crazy because I was expecting Yamim Noraim Mussaf (which I personally think is really, really beautiful). But after doing some research I discovered he was right. My question is, quite simply, why? How does it make sense to stick a Shachris Kaddish in a Mussaf?

Thanks,

Dear "I Love the Nusach Freak"
Thank you so much for your mail. You are so right: some of our nussachim are simply specimens of beautiful composition. Unfortunetly many others are complete dreck. But really who are we to judge? 

 Regarding Tefillat Geshem -- Let's start with some background regarding what to use when. In Ashkenazi nusach there is a concept of mi-sinai niggunim which of course means that they are not from sinai. Here is a link to an excellent article by Cantor Sherwood Goffin on the matter.
 In Ashkenazi nusach using the R"h/Y"k musaf kaddish for Tal/Geshem would kind of be like playing God Save the Queen instead of the Star Spangled Banner. Lhavdil, of course. I can only think what would happen should such a thing occur (mixing up the kadishim, not the anthems) and I'm pretty sure it would involve mixed dancing and inter-marriage. 
having said that, there are three distinct nusachim that all have 2 very similar attributes (and that are all mi-Sinai niggunim):
 1. Tal/Geshem
2. Neilah
3. the kaddish before baruch hu on R"H and Y"k (I'm not actually sure if this is a mi-Sinai niggun but since nobody is going to get hurt if we call it one, let's go for it). Listen to about 10 minutes in....  

Each kaddish starts with a declining scale for the words יתגדל ויתקדש followed by a sudden jump to a  higher note for שמיא רבה . This is followed by all sorts of ay yay yays. I never really thought about it before but I guess there are similarities between Shacharit and Tal.  So-So chazzanim are always getting confused between Tal/Geshem and neiilah and thus, one way to test  a chazzan if he knows his nusach is to ask him to sing both and identify which is which. I have alsways found that the way to remember the Neilah melody is that the melody on the initial words have a certain desperation while Tal and Geshem is a long slow decline which makes sense when we are in no hurry on chag (unless of course it is the first day of Pesach and the prunes that you had for breakfast finally did the trick right before musaf).  


I hope that answers your question.


    - the NF    

Shabbat Chol Hamoed - A guest blog

Editor's note: The NF is pleased to once agin host  a guest post from the Big Gong.
________________________________ 


Yankel led shacharit, which I have to say, was surprisingly bearable. It was almost as if he was showing some sensitivity to the fact that we would soon have to endure 28 minutes of a man (editor's note: the same guy who led YK shacharit last year)  reading kohelet whilst his underwear was clearly too tight. They must have been very tight because he at least went at some pace.


The one foul up Yankel did make, IMO, was to use this tune during Hallel (as a bonus, the clip features both kol isha and some buxom seminary girls jumping up and down)

Just because a popular song has the same words as are included in Hallel, it doesn’t mean it suits the responsive nature of that particular part of tefilla. No one knew if they were coming or going --- and that was before they saw said clip of buxom seminary girls. (Editor's note: I take no respondibility for the Big Gong's humour).

The Torah reading was so slow, it was actually read backward. We ended up somewhere in Vaera for the Maftir.

When Ben Bollocks took the stage for Musaf an audible sigh was heard. I walked around the shul collecting everyone's belts so as to minimise the suicide attempts that would surely follow as Bollocks, showing no sensitivity to the time, proceeded to belt out his now obligatory “Avinu Avinu”. Shoot me now. Twice. And then hang me.

I just don’t get it.
_______________________________

thank you Big Gong.

The NF has recieved an intersting question from a reader regarding the correct nusach for the kaddish preceding Tal/Geshem....Hopefully I will respond in a post soon.