Yesterday, as the haftara was being completed, the NF saw Shloime Baruch heading up to the shulchan to serve as chazzan for Musaf.
It was late --- given that it was Shabbat Rosh Hodesh --- and very stuffy in the kindergarten where the NF's shul davens. Right before תפילה לשלום המדינה a few people standing around the shulchan all whispered יעלה and סע to Shloime. (Translation: It's late...no nonsense please). So what did Shloime do? He starts a very schleppy Avinu Avinu and calls up the old choir from Yom Haatzmaut --- they even hummed Hatikva at the end while Shloime read the end of the tefilla prose style. Barf. Neither he nor the choir members noticed that most of the shul members were rolling their eyes or giggling.
Shloime has commited the shul crime of cantorial masturbation --- that is self gratification through the unwanted introduction of cantorial pieces into the davening. No one wanted to hear Avinu Avinu and certainly not with the choir. And that hatikva bit was completely uncalled for. The NF couldn't take it anymore....so when little NF #4 pooed himself (he's still in diapers), the NF volunteered to leave shul early to change him (Mrs. NF forgot to bring diapers). Mrs. NF stayed for musaf and reported that Shloime:
1. Schlepped through musaf (she thought it would never end)
2. Then turned around to the kahal at the end of davenign and asked for a cigarette.
When the NF got to mincha, he noticed that Shloime seemed to be having trouble seeing and his palms were getting a bit hairy....
The only positive takeaway from this whole experience is that Mrs NF has told the NF he can daven at the Neighborhood Hashkama minyan (the nicest minyan in town in my book --- not too rushed, ok singing etc) for the next few weeks.
Shavua tov,
the NF
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Shavuot round-up and Parshat Naso
There were three highlights to the NF's Shavuot:
1. My wife's cooking and specifically --- an incredibly good onion cheese quiche that found the perfect balance between savory and sweet as well as between creamy and flaky; and a grade A cheesecake that had a velvety texture, a custardy aftertaste and just the right hint of vanilla flavour. Both were very rewarding...but the NF digresses. (Can you tell that the NF really wanted to be a food critic?)
2. J's excellent arvit on Shavuot night and YS's excellent shacharit on shavuot monring. Friends, these guys know nusach. The Society of Nusach Freakhood is pleased to annouce that both J and YS are the winners of this month's highest Nusach honour: The Golden Shtender. Way to go gentlemen (and I use the term loosely).
3. Timmy went and asked the gonging gabbai of he could daven musaf on chag --- Unfortunetly the gonging gabbai didn't say no and Timmy proceeded to mumble through חזרת הש"ץ. Gong. and he faked the nusach badly. Gong.
While Timmy gave us his poor rendition, J, YS and the NF sat inventing new charade pantomimes for suicide. It was the third highlight of my chag. Pantomimes included:
Parshat Naso.
"H" Davened friday night..."H" Has a very very nice voice and is the chazzan in the NF's shul now and again (especially during the chagim). Yet he was super gonged firday night....he was schleppy and sang in a way so that no one could sing along and ----- he couldn't decide on a nusach --- he said כגוונא, then skipped ויצמח פורקניה before kaddish. After מגן אבות he said מזמור לדוד but then omitted ויצמח פורקניה in קדיש before ברכו. Gong Gong Gong.
Mendy davened musaf --- as he got up there, the NF was sure we were in for an avinu avinu followed by some idiotic melody for קדיש before musaf. But alas, Mendy davened really nicely with no shenanigans. Apparently, the Gonging Gabbai told him he had 10 minutes....Way to go Gonging Gabbai.
Dr. D spent shabbat at a hotel and called me this morning to let me know that he experienced (in his words) --- "Beating the crap out of the gong" after hearing a really terrible chazzan friday night. Interesting.
It has come to the NF's attention that Yoni R. posted a link to Nusach Freak in the comments section of the Life in Israel blog in response to a post mentioning the shul on the beach.
apparently, the rav of the aforementioned shul read my blog entry --- here are his comments:
that {} post is highly offensive, wildly inaccurate and shows such a small-minded attitude about Judaism.
Pathetic.
Le me respond by saying that the NF blog is satire --- the NF will often make use of the absurd (example: making kiddush on humus flavoured schnapps) as part of that satire --- the NF is not trying to be 100% accurate. If one doesn't appreciate satire in general or my joking about shul/nusach, there isn't much more I can say than Gong and we all give you the finger (so you can lein of course). However, it is never my intent to insult. So to anyone who may have been offended by my postings I say:
1. Please accept my apologies and
2. Please don't read my blog anymore.
1. My wife's cooking and specifically --- an incredibly good onion cheese quiche that found the perfect balance between savory and sweet as well as between creamy and flaky; and a grade A cheesecake that had a velvety texture, a custardy aftertaste and just the right hint of vanilla flavour. Both were very rewarding...but the NF digresses. (Can you tell that the NF really wanted to be a food critic?)
2. J's excellent arvit on Shavuot night and YS's excellent shacharit on shavuot monring. Friends, these guys know nusach. The Society of Nusach Freakhood is pleased to annouce that both J and YS are the winners of this month's highest Nusach honour: The Golden Shtender. Way to go gentlemen (and I use the term loosely).
3. Timmy went and asked the gonging gabbai of he could daven musaf on chag --- Unfortunetly the gonging gabbai didn't say no and Timmy proceeded to mumble through חזרת הש"ץ. Gong. and he faked the nusach badly. Gong.
While Timmy gave us his poor rendition, J, YS and the NF sat inventing new charade pantomimes for suicide. It was the third highlight of my chag. Pantomimes included:
- shooting oneself in the temple
- inserting a pistol in one's mouth and shooting.
- Hanging oneself.
- Opening a jar of pills, pouring out the entire contents into the other hand and swallowing
- Slitting one's writs
- Jumping out of a building
- electrocuting oneself
- inserting a stick of dynamite into one's mouth and setting off the charge
- inserting a sword into one's stomach, samurai style
- Turning on the gas oven and then inserting one's head.
Parshat Naso.
"H" Davened friday night..."H" Has a very very nice voice and is the chazzan in the NF's shul now and again (especially during the chagim). Yet he was super gonged firday night....he was schleppy and sang in a way so that no one could sing along and ----- he couldn't decide on a nusach --- he said כגוונא, then skipped ויצמח פורקניה before kaddish. After מגן אבות he said מזמור לדוד but then omitted ויצמח פורקניה in קדיש before ברכו. Gong Gong Gong.
Mendy davened musaf --- as he got up there, the NF was sure we were in for an avinu avinu followed by some idiotic melody for קדיש before musaf. But alas, Mendy davened really nicely with no shenanigans. Apparently, the Gonging Gabbai told him he had 10 minutes....Way to go Gonging Gabbai.
Dr. D spent shabbat at a hotel and called me this morning to let me know that he experienced (in his words) --- "Beating the crap out of the gong" after hearing a really terrible chazzan friday night. Interesting.
It has come to the NF's attention that Yoni R. posted a link to Nusach Freak in the comments section of the Life in Israel blog in response to a post mentioning the shul on the beach.
apparently, the rav of the aforementioned shul read my blog entry --- here are his comments:
that {} post is highly offensive, wildly inaccurate and shows such a small-minded attitude about Judaism.
Pathetic.
Le me respond by saying that the NF blog is satire --- the NF will often make use of the absurd (example: making kiddush on humus flavoured schnapps) as part of that satire --- the NF is not trying to be 100% accurate. If one doesn't appreciate satire in general or my joking about shul/nusach, there isn't much more I can say than Gong and we all give you the finger (so you can lein of course). However, it is never my intent to insult. So to anyone who may have been offended by my postings I say:
1. Please accept my apologies and
2. Please don't read my blog anymore.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Being a Zionist...
...does not mean singing everything in the siddur to the melody of Hatikva.
Or so the NF thought until this past Shabbat.
Kabbalat Shabbat was led by Timmy --- who sang Lecha Dodi to Hatikva. Kitsch! The NF was not terribly bothered because I was deeply engrossed in a really interesting book recently purchased at the Mossad Harav Kook book sale. The NF's mother-in-law, spending shabbat with Mr. and Mrs. NF was not nearly as generous and grumbled all the way home that using Hatikva for Lecha Dodi was cheesy, kitschy and boring. (For those of you who know my very Israeli Mo in Law, you will recall that she worked for years in the Israeli ministry of tourism in various consular offices --- we suspect she was actually Mossad---...I didn't think anything in the world could be too cheesy or kitschy in her book.)
Shabbat morning, Shloime Baruch hastely put together a choir to sing Avinu Avinu with full choral accompaniment. Given that they had all of about 15 minutes to practice, it actually sounded allright (if a bit flat). You may recall that the NF is not opposed to singing Avinu Avinu the Shabbat before Yom Haatzmaut (and the first shabbat of a war*). However, for the second non-choral half of tefilla lshalom hamedina, Shloime read prose style while the choir hummed hatikva. Cheeeeeeesy. The NF almost barfed on his shoes.
Then at the end of musaf, someone thought it would be a good idea to sing Anim Zemirot to Hatikva. The NF really wanted to scream "Enough!" Instead of doing this cheesy, faux-zionist crap, how about finding ways to improve the country. Here are a few ways:
1. Introduce the concept of customer service,
2. Refrain from picking your nose in public
3. Stop peeing on the side of the road towards on-coming traffic.
4. Block the import of henna-hair colouring dyes/products so that the 99.9% of women over 59 in Israel who colour their hair will stop looking like Bozo the clown.
5. Teach people how to drive
Disgusted, the NF went home from shul and decided to show his family what true zionism really is by making kiddush on Hummus flavoured schnnaps.
-The NF
BTW, after hearing yet another part of davening sung to the melody of Hatikva, the Rishon Ltzion of Uruguay suggested that we sing Hatikva to the melody of Hava Nagila (try it --- it's much harder than you think).
* if a second war breaks out in the same calendar year, there is no need to sing Avinu Avinu again.
Or so the NF thought until this past Shabbat.
Kabbalat Shabbat was led by Timmy --- who sang Lecha Dodi to Hatikva. Kitsch! The NF was not terribly bothered because I was deeply engrossed in a really interesting book recently purchased at the Mossad Harav Kook book sale. The NF's mother-in-law, spending shabbat with Mr. and Mrs. NF was not nearly as generous and grumbled all the way home that using Hatikva for Lecha Dodi was cheesy, kitschy and boring. (For those of you who know my very Israeli Mo in Law, you will recall that she worked for years in the Israeli ministry of tourism in various consular offices --- we suspect she was actually Mossad---...I didn't think anything in the world could be too cheesy or kitschy in her book.)
Shabbat morning, Shloime Baruch hastely put together a choir to sing Avinu Avinu with full choral accompaniment. Given that they had all of about 15 minutes to practice, it actually sounded allright (if a bit flat). You may recall that the NF is not opposed to singing Avinu Avinu the Shabbat before Yom Haatzmaut (and the first shabbat of a war*). However, for the second non-choral half of tefilla lshalom hamedina, Shloime read prose style while the choir hummed hatikva. Cheeeeeeesy. The NF almost barfed on his shoes.
Then at the end of musaf, someone thought it would be a good idea to sing Anim Zemirot to Hatikva. The NF really wanted to scream "Enough!" Instead of doing this cheesy, faux-zionist crap, how about finding ways to improve the country. Here are a few ways:
1. Introduce the concept of customer service,
2. Refrain from picking your nose in public
3. Stop peeing on the side of the road towards on-coming traffic.
4. Block the import of henna-hair colouring dyes/products so that the 99.9% of women over 59 in Israel who colour their hair will stop looking like Bozo the clown.
5. Teach people how to drive
Disgusted, the NF went home from shul and decided to show his family what true zionism really is by making kiddush on Hummus flavoured schnnaps.
-The NF
BTW, after hearing yet another part of davening sung to the melody of Hatikva, the Rishon Ltzion of Uruguay suggested that we sing Hatikva to the melody of Hava Nagila (try it --- it's much harder than you think).
* if a second war breaks out in the same calendar year, there is no need to sing Avinu Avinu again.
Monday, April 12, 2010
reaching new heights
So Friday night, the gabbaim had the old guy who inspired the KTC post lead maariv (one of many Alvins ---as in Alvin and the Chipmunks --- led a satisfactory Kabbalat Shabbat).
This old guy has no business davening anywhere including the Jewish home for the deaf (as will be explained later) but for some reason, the gabbaim alwasys ask him when he makes an appearance in our little shul. So the old guy kept trying to do trills to embellish his already poor nusach but everytime he did, he flew off-key. During magen avot, two items of interest occured:
1. The old guy closed his eyes and sang --- (I'm being very generous when I call it that) --- Not reading from a siddur he finished off with the words "עם מדושני עונג". We then had an awkward 3-5 second period before everyone started yelling "זכר למעשה בראשית" at the old guy.
2. The NF noticed that somethign was happening to his digestive tract everytime the old guy opened his mouth. Indeed, the old guy's voice was so shrill, everytime he "sang", the NF could feel his intestinal villus vibrate uncomfortably. For the first time in the NF's life, a chazzan was so bad he interupted normal digestive function. Here we had a chazzan that would even be gonged by a deaf person.
Me thinks, that we have found a natural substitute for Ex-Lax. Yoni R., could you prepare the patent documentation?
the NF
This old guy has no business davening anywhere including the Jewish home for the deaf (as will be explained later) but for some reason, the gabbaim alwasys ask him when he makes an appearance in our little shul. So the old guy kept trying to do trills to embellish his already poor nusach but everytime he did, he flew off-key. During magen avot, two items of interest occured:
1. The old guy closed his eyes and sang --- (I'm being very generous when I call it that) --- Not reading from a siddur he finished off with the words "עם מדושני עונג". We then had an awkward 3-5 second period before everyone started yelling "זכר למעשה בראשית" at the old guy.
2. The NF noticed that somethign was happening to his digestive tract everytime the old guy opened his mouth. Indeed, the old guy's voice was so shrill, everytime he "sang", the NF could feel his intestinal villus vibrate uncomfortably. For the first time in the NF's life, a chazzan was so bad he interupted normal digestive function. Here we had a chazzan that would even be gonged by a deaf person.
Me thinks, that we have found a natural substitute for Ex-Lax. Yoni R., could you prepare the patent documentation?
the NF
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Pesach
Hope everyone is relieved that Pesach has passed...
For a number of highly technical reasons, the NF will not be posting on his Pesach experience.
For a number of highly technical reasons, the NF will not be posting on his Pesach experience.
Yoni R. did send me a very cute forward which makes reference to our favorite element of Pesach leining...
enjoy.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Shabbat Zachor
Readers may recall that the NF is not all that fond of Purim or as the big Gong likes to say, "Anything that involves smiling". Now that is not completely fair --- It's not smiling and being happy that bothers the NF --- the NF doesn't like balagan and lack of decorum. I smile plenty on Tisha B'av.
Friday night, the gabbaim got a guy up there to daven knowing he would do silly schtick...
So the said chazan (not a usual mitpalel in the NF's shul) did Kabbalat Shabbat Carlebach style and I must say his grade for Kabbalat Shabbat (up to Lecha Dodi) was A+ for the simple reason that he flew --- none of that schleppy, eyes closed happy clappy spiritual stuff --- it seemed like the guy took "speed" before he started.
then things started breaking down:
1. Lecha Dodi --- to the melody of mishenichnas adar. It's not original. It doesn't fit that well and the chazzan couldn't figure out how often to do the high part.
2. After K'gavna (it was nusach sfarad), the chazzan went into the neigh neigh neighs of R"h and Y"k. The NF doesn't understand this one at all. what exactly is the connection between the yamim noraim and Shabbat Zachor. Was the chazzan trying to be mizalzel the yamim noraim or showing the importance of Shabbat Zachor. The answer: neither. He was trying to be cutsie/funny and failed miserably. If anyone can explain the "humour" of using the yamim noraim melody it would be much appreciated.
3. After Magen Avot, YS whispered to the NF --- "I bet the he's going to try a victory kaddish"...much to our surprise, the chazzan went into a normal kaddish --- that is until titkabel tzeloton where he started a yamim noraim melody --- see the NF's comment #2 above.
4. When he hit עושה שלום במרומיו he went into that classic Israeli 1970's melody that makes you think of the Israeli male of yore --- tight pants, open shirt (with a huge collar) showing an "Austin Powers" worthy set of chest hair, a large magen david or Chai medalion, a Hebrefro etc. Were it the case that the chazzan was trying to be funny, it would have been one thing ---- but I think this was his nusach. As the big Gong said (and I mean this as no offense to the non-heterosexuals in our readership): "That was really really gay."
Happily, the next day the Rishon Ltzion of Uruaguy davened Shacharit and J davened musaf with good old fashioned nusach and we didn't have to sing Avinu Avinu or any Broadway showtoons.
Friday night, the gabbaim got a guy up there to daven knowing he would do silly schtick...
So the said chazan (not a usual mitpalel in the NF's shul) did Kabbalat Shabbat Carlebach style and I must say his grade for Kabbalat Shabbat (up to Lecha Dodi) was A+ for the simple reason that he flew --- none of that schleppy, eyes closed happy clappy spiritual stuff --- it seemed like the guy took "speed" before he started.
then things started breaking down:
1. Lecha Dodi --- to the melody of mishenichnas adar. It's not original. It doesn't fit that well and the chazzan couldn't figure out how often to do the high part.
2. After K'gavna (it was nusach sfarad), the chazzan went into the neigh neigh neighs of R"h and Y"k. The NF doesn't understand this one at all. what exactly is the connection between the yamim noraim and Shabbat Zachor. Was the chazzan trying to be mizalzel the yamim noraim or showing the importance of Shabbat Zachor. The answer: neither. He was trying to be cutsie/funny and failed miserably. If anyone can explain the "humour" of using the yamim noraim melody it would be much appreciated.
3. After Magen Avot, YS whispered to the NF --- "I bet the he's going to try a victory kaddish"...much to our surprise, the chazzan went into a normal kaddish --- that is until titkabel tzeloton where he started a yamim noraim melody --- see the NF's comment #2 above.
4. When he hit עושה שלום במרומיו he went into that classic Israeli 1970's melody that makes you think of the Israeli male of yore --- tight pants, open shirt (with a huge collar) showing an "Austin Powers" worthy set of chest hair, a large magen david or Chai medalion, a Hebrefro etc. Were it the case that the chazzan was trying to be funny, it would have been one thing ---- but I think this was his nusach. As the big Gong said (and I mean this as no offense to the non-heterosexuals in our readership): "That was really really gay."
Happily, the next day the Rishon Ltzion of Uruaguy davened Shacharit and J davened musaf with good old fashioned nusach and we didn't have to sing Avinu Avinu or any Broadway showtoons.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I'm disgusted
This post has nothing to do with nusach, shul, singing avinu avinu, using silly Boradway melodies for kedusha or gonging. I'm writing this post not as the NF but as a simple Jew who has had enough of hearing how our religious "leaders" have once again been exposed as at best, morally deficient and at worst, frauds and charlatans.
Many of you may read blogs such as failed messiah, unorthodox jew and daas torah which document on a seemingly daily basis the expose of another misuse of power on the part of someone with the title "rabbi". No particular migzar (group) seems to be immune --- The Spinka Rebbe is in Jail for money laundering, there is last summer's raid on the Syrian community, "Mekubalim" are exposed as frauds now and again after promising to exorcise dibbuks or make sure your wish comes true --- of course if the check you have written is large enough....of course we have the Leib Tropper affair. There is the Washington Post story raising serious questions about the sofer claiming to sell "Holocaust" Torahs. Earlier this week you may have read about the "prominent NY chazzan" stealing tzedakka money from his mother in law (the Holocaust survivor). (I'm intentionally leaving out the links here ---- you can google any one of these items and get a plethora of hits.) (Please note that many of the stories above are alleged and some reflect situations where inidividuals plead guilty.)
However one recent news item has trully shaken my faith and trust in our religious leadership:
The Mordechai Elon affair. For years the Dati L'eumi community has looked to Rav Elon as one of our religious and educational leaders. I am generally not one to judge another person's behavior. When the story first broke, I immeadetly assumed that there had been some misunderstanding --- years ago Rav Aviner --- another leader was accused of sexual impropriety but his name was eventually cleared. But when Rav Aharon Lichtenstein goes on the reconrd stating exactly what had happened (and that he has recieved threatening messages), it's hard to be dan lkaf zechut. I have no idea is Rav Elon did anything wrong. But it is enough that there are claims against him and that Rav Lichtenstein (among others) is condemning him to shake my faith and trust in our leadership.
--- And if we cannot trust the Mordechai Elons of our community, what rabbanim can we trust?
Currently, my belief in the "Aseh l'cha Rav" system is 99% dead. All I see are rabbanim who mis-use psak or their leadership positions to gain power and control or wealth. With that in mind, I don't know who can be trusted anymore. How can I tell which rav is a liar?, which one is a theif?, which one is having an affair? and which one knows less halacha than me but bought his semicha online? If it weren't a practical impossibility, I would stop using hechsherim --- How is it that a rav that will lie and steal and shtup little boys is suddenly reliable to tell me that the chicken I'm buying at the supermarket is ok?
Praying for better times with more trustworthy leadership,
A simple Jew
Many of you may read blogs such as failed messiah, unorthodox jew and daas torah which document on a seemingly daily basis the expose of another misuse of power on the part of someone with the title "rabbi". No particular migzar (group) seems to be immune --- The Spinka Rebbe is in Jail for money laundering, there is last summer's raid on the Syrian community, "Mekubalim" are exposed as frauds now and again after promising to exorcise dibbuks or make sure your wish comes true --- of course if the check you have written is large enough....of course we have the Leib Tropper affair. There is the Washington Post story raising serious questions about the sofer claiming to sell "Holocaust" Torahs. Earlier this week you may have read about the "prominent NY chazzan" stealing tzedakka money from his mother in law (the Holocaust survivor). (I'm intentionally leaving out the links here ---- you can google any one of these items and get a plethora of hits.) (Please note that many of the stories above are alleged and some reflect situations where inidividuals plead guilty.)
However one recent news item has trully shaken my faith and trust in our religious leadership:
The Mordechai Elon affair. For years the Dati L'eumi community has looked to Rav Elon as one of our religious and educational leaders. I am generally not one to judge another person's behavior. When the story first broke, I immeadetly assumed that there had been some misunderstanding --- years ago Rav Aviner --- another leader was accused of sexual impropriety but his name was eventually cleared. But when Rav Aharon Lichtenstein goes on the reconrd stating exactly what had happened (and that he has recieved threatening messages), it's hard to be dan lkaf zechut. I have no idea is Rav Elon did anything wrong. But it is enough that there are claims against him and that Rav Lichtenstein (among others) is condemning him to shake my faith and trust in our leadership.
--- And if we cannot trust the Mordechai Elons of our community, what rabbanim can we trust?
Currently, my belief in the "Aseh l'cha Rav" system is 99% dead. All I see are rabbanim who mis-use psak or their leadership positions to gain power and control or wealth. With that in mind, I don't know who can be trusted anymore. How can I tell which rav is a liar?, which one is a theif?, which one is having an affair? and which one knows less halacha than me but bought his semicha online? If it weren't a practical impossibility, I would stop using hechsherim --- How is it that a rav that will lie and steal and shtup little boys is suddenly reliable to tell me that the chicken I'm buying at the supermarket is ok?
Praying for better times with more trustworthy leadership,
A simple Jew
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