...does not mean singing everything in the siddur to the melody of Hatikva.
Or so the NF thought until this past Shabbat.
Kabbalat Shabbat was led by Timmy --- who sang Lecha Dodi to Hatikva. Kitsch! The NF was not terribly bothered because I was deeply engrossed in a really interesting book recently purchased at the Mossad Harav Kook book sale. The NF's mother-in-law, spending shabbat with Mr. and Mrs. NF was not nearly as generous and grumbled all the way home that using Hatikva for Lecha Dodi was cheesy, kitschy and boring. (For those of you who know my very Israeli Mo in Law, you will recall that she worked for years in the Israeli ministry of tourism in various consular offices --- we suspect she was actually Mossad---...I didn't think anything in the world could be too cheesy or kitschy in her book.)
Shabbat morning, Shloime Baruch hastely put together a choir to sing Avinu Avinu with full choral accompaniment. Given that they had all of about 15 minutes to practice, it actually sounded allright (if a bit flat). You may recall that the NF is not opposed to singing Avinu Avinu the Shabbat before Yom Haatzmaut (and the first shabbat of a war*). However, for the second non-choral half of tefilla lshalom hamedina, Shloime read prose style while the choir hummed hatikva. Cheeeeeeesy. The NF almost barfed on his shoes.
Then at the end of musaf, someone thought it would be a good idea to sing Anim Zemirot to Hatikva. The NF really wanted to scream "Enough!" Instead of doing this cheesy, faux-zionist crap, how about finding ways to improve the country. Here are a few ways:
1. Introduce the concept of customer service,
2. Refrain from picking your nose in public
3. Stop peeing on the side of the road towards on-coming traffic.
4. Block the import of henna-hair colouring dyes/products so that the 99.9% of women over 59 in Israel who colour their hair will stop looking like Bozo the clown.
5. Teach people how to drive
Disgusted, the NF went home from shul and decided to show his family what true zionism really is by making kiddush on Hummus flavoured schnnaps.
-The NF
BTW, after hearing yet another part of davening sung to the melody of Hatikva, the Rishon Ltzion of Uruguay suggested that we sing Hatikva to the melody of Hava Nagila (try it --- it's much harder than you think).
* if a second war breaks out in the same calendar year, there is no need to sing Avinu Avinu again.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
reaching new heights
So Friday night, the gabbaim had the old guy who inspired the KTC post lead maariv (one of many Alvins ---as in Alvin and the Chipmunks --- led a satisfactory Kabbalat Shabbat).
This old guy has no business davening anywhere including the Jewish home for the deaf (as will be explained later) but for some reason, the gabbaim alwasys ask him when he makes an appearance in our little shul. So the old guy kept trying to do trills to embellish his already poor nusach but everytime he did, he flew off-key. During magen avot, two items of interest occured:
1. The old guy closed his eyes and sang --- (I'm being very generous when I call it that) --- Not reading from a siddur he finished off with the words "עם מדושני עונג". We then had an awkward 3-5 second period before everyone started yelling "זכר למעשה בראשית" at the old guy.
2. The NF noticed that somethign was happening to his digestive tract everytime the old guy opened his mouth. Indeed, the old guy's voice was so shrill, everytime he "sang", the NF could feel his intestinal villus vibrate uncomfortably. For the first time in the NF's life, a chazzan was so bad he interupted normal digestive function. Here we had a chazzan that would even be gonged by a deaf person.
Me thinks, that we have found a natural substitute for Ex-Lax. Yoni R., could you prepare the patent documentation?
the NF
This old guy has no business davening anywhere including the Jewish home for the deaf (as will be explained later) but for some reason, the gabbaim alwasys ask him when he makes an appearance in our little shul. So the old guy kept trying to do trills to embellish his already poor nusach but everytime he did, he flew off-key. During magen avot, two items of interest occured:
1. The old guy closed his eyes and sang --- (I'm being very generous when I call it that) --- Not reading from a siddur he finished off with the words "עם מדושני עונג". We then had an awkward 3-5 second period before everyone started yelling "זכר למעשה בראשית" at the old guy.
2. The NF noticed that somethign was happening to his digestive tract everytime the old guy opened his mouth. Indeed, the old guy's voice was so shrill, everytime he "sang", the NF could feel his intestinal villus vibrate uncomfortably. For the first time in the NF's life, a chazzan was so bad he interupted normal digestive function. Here we had a chazzan that would even be gonged by a deaf person.
Me thinks, that we have found a natural substitute for Ex-Lax. Yoni R., could you prepare the patent documentation?
the NF
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Pesach
Hope everyone is relieved that Pesach has passed...
For a number of highly technical reasons, the NF will not be posting on his Pesach experience.
For a number of highly technical reasons, the NF will not be posting on his Pesach experience.
Yoni R. did send me a very cute forward which makes reference to our favorite element of Pesach leining...
enjoy.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Shabbat Zachor
Readers may recall that the NF is not all that fond of Purim or as the big Gong likes to say, "Anything that involves smiling". Now that is not completely fair --- It's not smiling and being happy that bothers the NF --- the NF doesn't like balagan and lack of decorum. I smile plenty on Tisha B'av.
Friday night, the gabbaim got a guy up there to daven knowing he would do silly schtick...
So the said chazan (not a usual mitpalel in the NF's shul) did Kabbalat Shabbat Carlebach style and I must say his grade for Kabbalat Shabbat (up to Lecha Dodi) was A+ for the simple reason that he flew --- none of that schleppy, eyes closed happy clappy spiritual stuff --- it seemed like the guy took "speed" before he started.
then things started breaking down:
1. Lecha Dodi --- to the melody of mishenichnas adar. It's not original. It doesn't fit that well and the chazzan couldn't figure out how often to do the high part.
2. After K'gavna (it was nusach sfarad), the chazzan went into the neigh neigh neighs of R"h and Y"k. The NF doesn't understand this one at all. what exactly is the connection between the yamim noraim and Shabbat Zachor. Was the chazzan trying to be mizalzel the yamim noraim or showing the importance of Shabbat Zachor. The answer: neither. He was trying to be cutsie/funny and failed miserably. If anyone can explain the "humour" of using the yamim noraim melody it would be much appreciated.
3. After Magen Avot, YS whispered to the NF --- "I bet the he's going to try a victory kaddish"...much to our surprise, the chazzan went into a normal kaddish --- that is until titkabel tzeloton where he started a yamim noraim melody --- see the NF's comment #2 above.
4. When he hit עושה שלום במרומיו he went into that classic Israeli 1970's melody that makes you think of the Israeli male of yore --- tight pants, open shirt (with a huge collar) showing an "Austin Powers" worthy set of chest hair, a large magen david or Chai medalion, a Hebrefro etc. Were it the case that the chazzan was trying to be funny, it would have been one thing ---- but I think this was his nusach. As the big Gong said (and I mean this as no offense to the non-heterosexuals in our readership): "That was really really gay."
Happily, the next day the Rishon Ltzion of Uruaguy davened Shacharit and J davened musaf with good old fashioned nusach and we didn't have to sing Avinu Avinu or any Broadway showtoons.
Friday night, the gabbaim got a guy up there to daven knowing he would do silly schtick...
So the said chazan (not a usual mitpalel in the NF's shul) did Kabbalat Shabbat Carlebach style and I must say his grade for Kabbalat Shabbat (up to Lecha Dodi) was A+ for the simple reason that he flew --- none of that schleppy, eyes closed happy clappy spiritual stuff --- it seemed like the guy took "speed" before he started.
then things started breaking down:
1. Lecha Dodi --- to the melody of mishenichnas adar. It's not original. It doesn't fit that well and the chazzan couldn't figure out how often to do the high part.
2. After K'gavna (it was nusach sfarad), the chazzan went into the neigh neigh neighs of R"h and Y"k. The NF doesn't understand this one at all. what exactly is the connection between the yamim noraim and Shabbat Zachor. Was the chazzan trying to be mizalzel the yamim noraim or showing the importance of Shabbat Zachor. The answer: neither. He was trying to be cutsie/funny and failed miserably. If anyone can explain the "humour" of using the yamim noraim melody it would be much appreciated.
3. After Magen Avot, YS whispered to the NF --- "I bet the he's going to try a victory kaddish"...much to our surprise, the chazzan went into a normal kaddish --- that is until titkabel tzeloton where he started a yamim noraim melody --- see the NF's comment #2 above.
4. When he hit עושה שלום במרומיו he went into that classic Israeli 1970's melody that makes you think of the Israeli male of yore --- tight pants, open shirt (with a huge collar) showing an "Austin Powers" worthy set of chest hair, a large magen david or Chai medalion, a Hebrefro etc. Were it the case that the chazzan was trying to be funny, it would have been one thing ---- but I think this was his nusach. As the big Gong said (and I mean this as no offense to the non-heterosexuals in our readership): "That was really really gay."
Happily, the next day the Rishon Ltzion of Uruaguy davened Shacharit and J davened musaf with good old fashioned nusach and we didn't have to sing Avinu Avinu or any Broadway showtoons.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I'm disgusted
This post has nothing to do with nusach, shul, singing avinu avinu, using silly Boradway melodies for kedusha or gonging. I'm writing this post not as the NF but as a simple Jew who has had enough of hearing how our religious "leaders" have once again been exposed as at best, morally deficient and at worst, frauds and charlatans.
Many of you may read blogs such as failed messiah, unorthodox jew and daas torah which document on a seemingly daily basis the expose of another misuse of power on the part of someone with the title "rabbi". No particular migzar (group) seems to be immune --- The Spinka Rebbe is in Jail for money laundering, there is last summer's raid on the Syrian community, "Mekubalim" are exposed as frauds now and again after promising to exorcise dibbuks or make sure your wish comes true --- of course if the check you have written is large enough....of course we have the Leib Tropper affair. There is the Washington Post story raising serious questions about the sofer claiming to sell "Holocaust" Torahs. Earlier this week you may have read about the "prominent NY chazzan" stealing tzedakka money from his mother in law (the Holocaust survivor). (I'm intentionally leaving out the links here ---- you can google any one of these items and get a plethora of hits.) (Please note that many of the stories above are alleged and some reflect situations where inidividuals plead guilty.)
However one recent news item has trully shaken my faith and trust in our religious leadership:
The Mordechai Elon affair. For years the Dati L'eumi community has looked to Rav Elon as one of our religious and educational leaders. I am generally not one to judge another person's behavior. When the story first broke, I immeadetly assumed that there had been some misunderstanding --- years ago Rav Aviner --- another leader was accused of sexual impropriety but his name was eventually cleared. But when Rav Aharon Lichtenstein goes on the reconrd stating exactly what had happened (and that he has recieved threatening messages), it's hard to be dan lkaf zechut. I have no idea is Rav Elon did anything wrong. But it is enough that there are claims against him and that Rav Lichtenstein (among others) is condemning him to shake my faith and trust in our leadership.
--- And if we cannot trust the Mordechai Elons of our community, what rabbanim can we trust?
Currently, my belief in the "Aseh l'cha Rav" system is 99% dead. All I see are rabbanim who mis-use psak or their leadership positions to gain power and control or wealth. With that in mind, I don't know who can be trusted anymore. How can I tell which rav is a liar?, which one is a theif?, which one is having an affair? and which one knows less halacha than me but bought his semicha online? If it weren't a practical impossibility, I would stop using hechsherim --- How is it that a rav that will lie and steal and shtup little boys is suddenly reliable to tell me that the chicken I'm buying at the supermarket is ok?
Praying for better times with more trustworthy leadership,
A simple Jew
Many of you may read blogs such as failed messiah, unorthodox jew and daas torah which document on a seemingly daily basis the expose of another misuse of power on the part of someone with the title "rabbi". No particular migzar (group) seems to be immune --- The Spinka Rebbe is in Jail for money laundering, there is last summer's raid on the Syrian community, "Mekubalim" are exposed as frauds now and again after promising to exorcise dibbuks or make sure your wish comes true --- of course if the check you have written is large enough....of course we have the Leib Tropper affair. There is the Washington Post story raising serious questions about the sofer claiming to sell "Holocaust" Torahs. Earlier this week you may have read about the "prominent NY chazzan" stealing tzedakka money from his mother in law (the Holocaust survivor). (I'm intentionally leaving out the links here ---- you can google any one of these items and get a plethora of hits.) (Please note that many of the stories above are alleged and some reflect situations where inidividuals plead guilty.)
However one recent news item has trully shaken my faith and trust in our religious leadership:
The Mordechai Elon affair. For years the Dati L'eumi community has looked to Rav Elon as one of our religious and educational leaders. I am generally not one to judge another person's behavior. When the story first broke, I immeadetly assumed that there had been some misunderstanding --- years ago Rav Aviner --- another leader was accused of sexual impropriety but his name was eventually cleared. But when Rav Aharon Lichtenstein goes on the reconrd stating exactly what had happened (and that he has recieved threatening messages), it's hard to be dan lkaf zechut. I have no idea is Rav Elon did anything wrong. But it is enough that there are claims against him and that Rav Lichtenstein (among others) is condemning him to shake my faith and trust in our leadership.
--- And if we cannot trust the Mordechai Elons of our community, what rabbanim can we trust?
Currently, my belief in the "Aseh l'cha Rav" system is 99% dead. All I see are rabbanim who mis-use psak or their leadership positions to gain power and control or wealth. With that in mind, I don't know who can be trusted anymore. How can I tell which rav is a liar?, which one is a theif?, which one is having an affair? and which one knows less halacha than me but bought his semicha online? If it weren't a practical impossibility, I would stop using hechsherim --- How is it that a rav that will lie and steal and shtup little boys is suddenly reliable to tell me that the chicken I'm buying at the supermarket is ok?
Praying for better times with more trustworthy leadership,
A simple Jew
Monday, February 8, 2010
Jerusalem- II
Many readers will recall that last Spring, the NF and family spent shabbat in J-m at the bed and breakfast belonging to his in-laws. With the NF's in-laws visiting in Israel for a few weeks, the NF and family were summoned to again spend Shabbat in downtown Jerusalem. Happy Happy Joy Joy. The one saving grace of being in Merkaz Ha-ir for Shabbat is being able to go to the great synagogue and hearing some fine choir action....or so I thought. People watching can also be quite fun --- especially when Jesus shows up for Kabbalat Shabbat.
So the NF, the greater NF family (inlcuding Mrs. NF and the 4 little NFs) along with Dr and Mrs In-Laws made our way in the rain to the great synagogue for Kabbalat Shabbat. Since the NF was there last, Chaim Adler has replaced Naftali Hershtik as the Chazzan Rashi. ---- A summary of events:
1. Boring. was the same old Kabbalat Shabbat the NF would hear in his own shul only instead of Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks leading, we had a world class Chazzan.
2. there was hardly any interaction between Chazzan and Choir
3. Instead of an interesting Lecha Dodi, the chazzan picked one of the melodies taught to kids in pre-school. The choir didn't sing along.
4. The Chazzan then went into a serious, heavy and elongated cantorial piece for Bameh Madlikin (of all things)---- he got very emotional when repeating ורבי יוסי פוטר בכולן חוץ מן הפתילה מפני שהוא עושה פחם over and over again. I know we are facing issues with fossil fuels but there is no reason to cry over the פתילה.
4. In the middle of a Hashkivenu, little NF (#2) whispered to me that he wanted to make a deposit in the country's manure reserves and that pretty much ended davening for me.
All in, the choir was disappaointing and didn't mesh well with the chazzan.
In other news, Ari J sent this interesting link on a tone deaf Sephardi Chazzan at S&P in NY.
Shavua Tov,
The NF
So the NF, the greater NF family (inlcuding Mrs. NF and the 4 little NFs) along with Dr and Mrs In-Laws made our way in the rain to the great synagogue for Kabbalat Shabbat. Since the NF was there last, Chaim Adler has replaced Naftali Hershtik as the Chazzan Rashi. ---- A summary of events:
1. Boring. was the same old Kabbalat Shabbat the NF would hear in his own shul only instead of Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks leading, we had a world class Chazzan.
2. there was hardly any interaction between Chazzan and Choir
3. Instead of an interesting Lecha Dodi, the chazzan picked one of the melodies taught to kids in pre-school. The choir didn't sing along.
4. The Chazzan then went into a serious, heavy and elongated cantorial piece for Bameh Madlikin (of all things)---- he got very emotional when repeating ורבי יוסי פוטר בכולן חוץ מן הפתילה מפני שהוא עושה פחם over and over again. I know we are facing issues with fossil fuels but there is no reason to cry over the פתילה.
4. In the middle of a Hashkivenu, little NF (#2) whispered to me that he wanted to make a deposit in the country's manure reserves and that pretty much ended davening for me.
All in, the choir was disappaointing and didn't mesh well with the chazzan.
In other news, Ari J sent this interesting link on a tone deaf Sephardi Chazzan at S&P in NY.
Shavua Tov,
The NF
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Shabbat in Herziliya
The NF's in-laws are currently in the Holyland and the decision was made that we would all (the in-laws, Mr and Mrs NF and the 4 little NFs) go to a hotel in Herziliya for Shabbat. Let me just say that a good time was had by all (the company was good, the food was excellent and getting away now and again is always kind of fun) even if little NF #2 woke everyone up on Shabbat morning at 4:15 AM and even if davening in hotels is the absolute pits....
Let us dwell on this last point for just a moment ---
Davening in hotels sucks. Why? the possibilities:
1. There is a chazzan way past his prime who thinks people have come to the hotel just to hear him belt a few out.
2. There is no chazzan or baal koreh or anyone else who can read Hebrew so when the mashgiach asks in (the middle of dinner of course) "who wants to lein tomorrow?", the old wifee says, "the NF loves to lein" --- and it turns out to be Parshat Ki Tavoh....(this happened once)
3. The minyan is made up of you and 9 guys who look like they are taxi drivers: Jeans (with wallet bulging out), overly tight fake armani t-shirt, a lot of cologne, lots of gold necklaces, sunglasses on top of their heads, and a little "pyramid" kippah floating somewhere above their shaved or highly jelled hair. (we'll have to have a post about these guys one of these days). These guys are not shomer shabbat but when it comes to Friday night davening, there is nothing holier. Of course, they are unwilling to be the chazzan so you must do it in your traditional Ashkenazi way....
Failure to read all of Shir Hashirim or sing the one melody they know for Lecha Dodi gets you dirty looks, lots of jeering and if you need to call a taxi Motza"sh you just know you are in trouble...
4. Everyone there but you is tone deaf. Trying to sing anything results in a cacophany of sound that makes Mother's milk turn sour and causes diahrrea.
So The NF and his father in law go to shul Friday everning and find all three of the four conditions are met.
An 88 -year old chazzan honored us with his rendition of Kabbalt Shabbat. (there was a baal koreh!), the minyan was largely made up of Taxi drivers and no could sing to save their lives.
On the positive side, davening in a hotel gives those that want to practice their chazzunus abilities an opprtunity to completly stink without risking a gonging....you want to sing Kedusha to SuperFragilisticallyExpeadlodocious? --- here is your opportunity. Think that amazing grace fits nicely for Kel Ha-adon?....go head -- have fun.
So the NF ended up doing shacharit and yes, I tested out a few melodies --- specifically --- Kol Mikadesh Shvii for Kedusha --- it worked well although you must start very very low and you must repeat words....
the old chazzan running the show (who I later heard tell someone that he had foregotten to put in his hearing aids before shabbat) came over to the NF right before Chazarat Hashat"z when the NF went to wash his hands (I'm of priestly stock) and a) told me that he liked my nusach/davening and b) asked if I was from Czechslovakia?
Uh. thanks and no.
Getting back home last night, Yoni R. told me I had missed some fine gonging...
The NF contacted the gonging Gabbai and the big Gong to find out that Shloime Baruch sang avinu avinu (but of course he did -- Is the pope catholic? Does the litvak follow the chumrah? Does cholent cause golbal warming?) and he sang Keter to the melody "Memories" from Cats. That is so wrong.
Shavua Tov.
The NF
Let us dwell on this last point for just a moment ---
Davening in hotels sucks. Why? the possibilities:
1. There is a chazzan way past his prime who thinks people have come to the hotel just to hear him belt a few out.
2. There is no chazzan or baal koreh or anyone else who can read Hebrew so when the mashgiach asks in (the middle of dinner of course) "who wants to lein tomorrow?", the old wifee says, "the NF loves to lein" --- and it turns out to be Parshat Ki Tavoh....(this happened once)
3. The minyan is made up of you and 9 guys who look like they are taxi drivers: Jeans (with wallet bulging out), overly tight fake armani t-shirt, a lot of cologne, lots of gold necklaces, sunglasses on top of their heads, and a little "pyramid" kippah floating somewhere above their shaved or highly jelled hair. (we'll have to have a post about these guys one of these days). These guys are not shomer shabbat but when it comes to Friday night davening, there is nothing holier. Of course, they are unwilling to be the chazzan so you must do it in your traditional Ashkenazi way....
Failure to read all of Shir Hashirim or sing the one melody they know for Lecha Dodi gets you dirty looks, lots of jeering and if you need to call a taxi Motza"sh you just know you are in trouble...
4. Everyone there but you is tone deaf. Trying to sing anything results in a cacophany of sound that makes Mother's milk turn sour and causes diahrrea.
So The NF and his father in law go to shul Friday everning and find all three of the four conditions are met.
An 88 -year old chazzan honored us with his rendition of Kabbalt Shabbat. (there was a baal koreh!), the minyan was largely made up of Taxi drivers and no could sing to save their lives.
On the positive side, davening in a hotel gives those that want to practice their chazzunus abilities an opprtunity to completly stink without risking a gonging....you want to sing Kedusha to SuperFragilisticallyExpeadlodocious? --- here is your opportunity. Think that amazing grace fits nicely for Kel Ha-adon?....go head -- have fun.
So the NF ended up doing shacharit and yes, I tested out a few melodies --- specifically --- Kol Mikadesh Shvii for Kedusha --- it worked well although you must start very very low and you must repeat words....
the old chazzan running the show (who I later heard tell someone that he had foregotten to put in his hearing aids before shabbat) came over to the NF right before Chazarat Hashat"z when the NF went to wash his hands (I'm of priestly stock) and a) told me that he liked my nusach/davening and b) asked if I was from Czechslovakia?
Uh. thanks and no.
Getting back home last night, Yoni R. told me I had missed some fine gonging...
The NF contacted the gonging Gabbai and the big Gong to find out that Shloime Baruch sang avinu avinu (but of course he did -- Is the pope catholic? Does the litvak follow the chumrah? Does cholent cause golbal warming?) and he sang Keter to the melody "Memories" from Cats. That is so wrong.
Shavua Tov.
The NF
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