A Last Kaddish

Shalom! It has been a very long time since the NF graced the hollowed blogsphere with his words of wit and wisdom...alas, life has been busy leaving me with little to blog about good and bad nusach.

I decided to reopen the blog as in 9 days I will finish saying kaddish for my mother (ע"ה) who passed away this past February after a long illness.

I must say, aveilut stinks but all-in-all, saying kaddish has been a very positive experience. A few thoughts:

• Especially during shloshim, kaddish forced me into a schedule (albeit an exhausting one) and required me to interact with people at a time that all I wanted to do was wallow unhealthily at home. 
• Early on, I settled on davening at my famous South Jerusalem's early morning minyan (5:59 on S,T,W,F 5:49 on M, Th and 5:44 on Rosh Hodesh). Why not start a minyan off from a round time like 6:00, 5:50 and 5:50? Because that's how ve did in Frankfurth! ok? (I actually have no idea if that's true but it sounds funny especially when said in a German accent)
• This minyan is fantastic! Mostly grouchy older men/retirees. The minyan is big enough that you never have to struggle to get a minyan but you notice if someone is not there or if there is a visitor. Anyway, when I started davening before the amud during shloshim, I asked what speed they wanted. The answer: It doesn't matter. As long as you are done by 6:27. Of course, if I finish at 6:26 I am told off for being too fast. Most of these retired dudes just go home to fight with their wives....
• I am lucky enough to work for a large Israeli company with 3500 employees and a nice shul on the ground floor of our office tower. I can't say I love the mincha crowd (mostly masorati, ethnic, Breslov-loving/constantly saying tikkun klali who love to yell out random things while I force them to listen to nusach Ashkenaz in my American-light accent) but it has helped to get the job done.
• Arvit has been a challenge here and there but living in JLM I can always find a minyan - even late. I even caused a fist fight in a charedi shteibel. The shteibal had a clear policy that the chazzan determines the nusach - I picked Ashkenaz (although my true nusach is sephardi, growing up ashkenazi, being trained as an ashkenazi baal tephila and going to an ashkenazi shul, I decided I would simply daven ashkenazi all year). After kaddish titkabel in arvit, I started to say aleinu - meanwhile a particularly rotund chussid yelled out Shir Lamalot, esa aynai....and as he finished pointed to another chussid to say kaddish. I simply waited patiently, said עלינו  and kaddish and headed out of the shteibel. As I did, a group of shasnikim approached the chussid and started yelling that what he did was an affront to all mankind (ok to the shteibel and to the mizruchnik chazzan) and that he wasn't welcome there any more. Fists started flying and I have not gone back since.
• Saying kaddish with other aveilim and yahrtziers (is that a term?), I have come across 2 distinct groups of people:
• There are the team players that make sure everyone is going the same speed so that everyone can participate with a modicum of respect. 
• There are those that go faster or are louder while putting emphasis on certain words so that everyone else gets tripped up. Really? Is that what your parent taught you - to have your "experience" at the expense of someone else? Do you think that making everyone else who is saying kaddish miserable is a good way to remember your dead relative? Of course, its the same people who insist on all sorts of kibbudim on the shabbat before and the day of a yahrzeit including davening when tone deaf. Remember, when a parent dies, the child becomes an avel not a chazzan. 

As you may have guessed, the NF is not very spiritual. I am not sure what the phrase "her neshama should have an aliya" means (hell! no one wanted to give her in aliya in shul before she died) and at one point, our shul rav mentioned that the most important tefilla for which to be the chazan is arvit on motza"sh because...he started saying something about neshamot being in purgatory as shabbat ends and then my eyes went glassy and I simply smiled and said - "uh, ok". 

I have said kaddish everyday since the kvura, at all three tephillot for a very simple reason: Kibud av v'em. It is away to show respect, to stop and think a few times a day of the person I have lost and most importantly to apply a life lesson that almost every parent tries to teach his/her kid: be considerate and when appropriate put others before your yourself. Every outing, business meeting, even sitting down to dinner have centered around catching the next relevant minyan. Family travel plans and much needed R&R have been delayed to after aveilut. To some this may sound extreme or unnecessary but I actually found it comforting to think, these 11 months are not about me. Herb Keinon of the JPost has a nice way of saying it here.

Of course, aveilut has had its funny moments:

• On the plane to the US for the kvura/shiva it was late morning and as an onen, I had not davened or put on tefillin that day. A chabadnik, looking for a chiloni/mizrukhnik victim, asked me if I had put on tefillin that day. When I said no, he was so excited....until I told him that I was an onen
• At the shloshim siyum, I mentioned to the rav of our shul that the beard was annoying but the length of my mustache was driving me crazy (and made eating hard). The rav responded that I should have told him; I could have trimmed the mustache if it was interfering with eating.   NF #4, 16 years old and irreverent (I wonder where he got that from) said: "Don't worry Abba - next time"
• My Israeli mother-in-law  (whose English is good but not always perfect) was staying with us for Shabbat the week after I got up from shiva. She enjoys finding amazing baked goods in the various bakeries run by the French-olim community here in JLM. As I came downstairs on shabbat morning she told me in English that she had put an incredible looking almond tort on the kitchen bar but I couldn't have any (she meant because she knew I was avoiding sugar). I asked her if I couldn't have any because I am an orphan.   

As a general note aveilut has been very hard - not just for me but for Mrs. NF and the not so little anymore little NFs.  I was given a rather machmir psak regarding when and how I could participate in social activities - and quite frankly, the year has caused some unintended severe social isolation. Obviously, if I could go back 11 months, I would have pushed back and made the psak discussion more reflective of family social need/shalom bayit  or go to a more sympathetic posek. Making things worse is that when social events have occurred, there are the invariable comments I would get afterwards from well meaning but insensitive idiots such as: "you could have attended because _____" or "so-and-so is also an aveil and he attended". Not helpful. Had I wanted your opinion, I would beat it out of you. Likewise, someone recently asked if I would do a victory kaddish for my last one of the 11 months. Really? Is this some kind of joke? I will say kaddish slowly and be respectful of those around me also saying kaddish ---- just as my mother would want me to be. 

Rosh Hashana 5778

Shana Tova and Gmar Chatima Tova to the greater gonging community.

The NF attended the Great Synagogue for mid-night mass Selichot. The Choir: Polished. The Chazzan: Professional. BottomLine: Selichot at the Great were kind of like a bowl of prunes on the 2nd day of Pesach. You've had worse, you've had better but it gets the job done. Seriously, both the choir and chazzan were adequate but yawn, really boring! The only highlight: A child soloist (name?) accompanying the chazzan and choir.

Rosh Hashana
First Day, Dr. Spiritual led a very good shacharit with accurate nusach using melodies that hadn't really been heard in our famous South Jerusalem Synagogue. Surprisingly, people sang along. Musaf was led by Velvet who did his usual Grade A job. On a personal level, the NF did not enjoy musaf - although Velvet's nusach is pretty perfect and he has a great voice, musaf was predictable and even  a bit boring.

The only thing that made RH Day 1 interesting is the fact that there was a brit --- the NF recently joined the shul's Gabbai Corps and  was therefore  included on all the email/whassup discussions between the family, the Rav, the gabbaim and the mohel as to when to do the brit. Apparently, there is an ancient Ashkenazi minhag to do the brit immediately before tekiot and the mohel is not supposed to wipe his mouth after doing metziza b'peh (if you don't know what that is - google it or better yet, don't) and then blow the shofar with the blood of the brit still on his lips so that the blood of brit Avraham mixes with the the shofar of Akeidat Yitzhak. Narsty! Anyway, the mohel was happy to do the brit before tekiot but let us know that the ancient minhag of mixing blood with the shofar  has gone the way of eating p'tcha and molesting little boys in the mikveh. Sure you can find those who still still do it but the mainstream has abandoned the practice.

Second Day, the NF led Shacharit and Dr. D led musaf. It all went perfectly fine although it can be said that chazzaning on the High Holy Days in the main minyan of  our famous South Jerusalem Synagogue is becoming more and more challenging. Most of the 'young' crowd (age 35 and younger) goes to the vatikin minyan leaving the main minyan heavy on the alta kocker side. While the room doesn't quite have the feel of an old age home (and most of the alta kockers don't have the old person smell --- yet), getting the room going can be a challenge!

Nostalgia

Last year, one of the baalEi mussaf in the NF's famous South Jerusalem shul decided to focus on his own nostalgia rather than picking melodies that would engage and uplift the kahal. The NF, among others, were rather critical of this focus on nostalgia. Following an uproar from a number of members (NF not included!), the shul va'ad as well as our Internationally famous Rav decided to avoid such a repeat situation all baalei tefilla this year would have to first present game plans to a forum of the gabbaim, baalei tefilla and rabbanim for discussion and approval. Not such a terrible idea given that the shul is made up of many native Israelis as well as olim from 10+ countries (with a heavy concentration on the UK, US, France, Switzerland and Australia) --- there are many ideas of what constitutes good davening!

Both the NF (Baal Shacharit - RH 2) and Dr D (Baal Mussaf - RH 2) were simultaneously annoyed and amused by this development. But the RH meeting, which occurred 2 weeks ago, was a real hoot. The 4 RH baalei tefilla bounced ideas off one another and came up with one cohesive style for the chag. Meanwhile, the old Yekkish Don also attended --- for every major part of the RH davening he kept throwing out what he viewed as necessary/uplifting/engaging. As this included mostly Lewandowski (or similar) or Shabbat zemirot popular in the 1960s --- we politely declined. (For the record, some Lewandowski is a must such as Zacharti Lach even for our modern pallets). As almost all of us had sung with choirs (or had davened in very formal shuls), when the Naumborg Seu Shearim was recommended by the Yekkish Don, we all broke into spontaneous rendition ending with a lot of giggles.  Let's just say ---- it did not make the cut.

For the record, let me state that Nostalgia is not bad ---- It has it's time and place. Two days ago while looking for something to listen to on youtube (while working through a rather tricky private equity investment model), I hit upon a set of recordings by Shlomi Honig --- Shlomi recorded a number of old yekkish nusach pieces found in an Encyclopedia brought from pre-war Germany at his grandparent's house in Kibbutz Chafetz Chaim. I literally got goose bumps as I heard a number of melodies that I hadn't heard since my childhood:

Lecha dodi for the three weeks
Titbarach for Shabbat morning (exactly as I remembered the German baaeli tefilla doing every Shabbat morning)
Brach Dodi (Pesach)
Lmaan Amitach (Sukkot) (a variation of what I knew as a kid)

Definitely worth a listen --- although I wouldn't dare use any of these melodies in shul (other than maybe Titbarach)!

It's so sad!

In recent days the NF attended a family wedding here in the Holyland. The kallah, a cousin of Mrs. NF, was marrying a son of a rather well known Hesder (National Religious) Rosh Yeshiva. While the bride and groom were your typical, run of the mill, national religious couple,  the greater family of the groom (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and siblings) was rather religiously intense/chardal.

One former co-worker used to refer to such people as Tzurels (צורל ) -

צדיק ורע לו

 or "Righteous and everything is terrible in life" meaning a pained or constipated look is always required.  I'm not a very judgmental person (ok, I am) so I just assumed the entire family needs a bit more fibre in its diet.

Anyway,  a yeshivish (dati leumi of course) looking family member was called up for the 7th Sheva Bracha ---- he proceeded to enunciate every word in a kvetchy, pained and sad voice all while shuckling like the (proverbial) Rebbe. The NF would like to assume that this heavily bearded, huge Kipa wearing dude (he was even wearing a suit!) was aware of the words he was saying:

" אשר ברא ששון ושמחה חתן וכלה, גילה רינה דיצה וחדוה אהבה ואחוה ושלום ורעות"

So in that phrase alone we have 10 words that reference sad concepts such as happiness, love and peace. Since when did religious intensity/seriousness get replaced with sorrow?

So this past Friday night, we make our way to shul and lo and behold Mr Spirituality is asked to lead Kabbalat Shabbat. Mr Spirituality spent 5+ years in a hesder yeshiva, holds a PhD in Jewish Thought and is currently a professor at a major Israeli University so I can only assume he understands basic Hebrew. Mr. Spirituality slowly made his way to the shulchan draped the talit over his head, shuckled a few hundred times (like the rebbe), closed his eyes like he had just seen his Grandma naked and said the joyful words 

 'לכו נרננה לה

....while sounding like his best friend had just died!

The NF sighed heavily, gonged to himself and started reviewing the parsha.

Baruch Dayan HaGong

https://www.yahoo.com/music/chuck-barris-wacky-host-creator-gong-show-dies-050605615.html

Roundup

Selichot: The NF attended the Great Synagogue with the two older little NFs. The choir was outstanding and the chazan (Tzvi Weiss) was good+.

My only criticisms:  1. A low baritone should not be singing the solo of מוחל עוונות and
                                 2. The chazan sang three of the batim from לשמוע אל הרינה to  a pretty well known melody used for birkat cohanim in the US. Too  mundane for me when there are so many better options.

Rosh Hashana Day 1:
"Velvet", an Israeli of French (Strasbourg) descent, davened mussaf and won a golden shtender --- it was smooth, not shleppy and he sang all the right melodies. People joined in and you could say that the entire experience was both uplifting and fun.

Rosh Hashana Day 2:
Swiss Army Thespian led mussaf. Grade: Gong x 26.
Many of us (Velvet, Dr. D, the NF) have the philosophy that the teffilot in a maoin minyan but especially those on the yamim noraim offer an opportunity to reconnect, to participate and to experience something רוחני. (That is why we don't eat nut (or beans, cauliflower, broccoli or cabbage) on Rosh Hashana as those foods offer an opportunity for something רוחני but in the bad physical sense.)

Although I never asked, I would guess that Swiss doesn't subscribe to this philosophy. Swiss stuck to his own nostalgia (of home and/or yeshiva) and severely alienated and pissed off the kahal. Of course, there is room to slip lit bits and pieces of family or hometown nusach into the davening but singing  בראש השנה יכתבון to a (boring) melody that only you know from home and then אין קצבה  to  a melody that maybe 5 know (instead of the Modzitz melody that everyone is expecting) is unforgivable. Singing Calebach's כבקרת רועה עדרו in a different part of  ונתנה תןקף confused the hell out of people. The grand finale of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah for הללוליה was just irritating and people were not singing along. As our internationally famous Rav said afterward, "Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah is very nice, but it (and other Hollywood melodies) has no place in my shul". Gong
  
Yom Kippur:
Kol Nidrei was fine.
The NF led Shacharit with  a bit of a raspy voice. the piyut אמרו לאלהים  is way too long, nothing fits and forces the chzzan to sing for 39 pages by himself. Other than that piyut, I got people singing.

Musaf: The old Yekkish Don led for the 40th year in a row using Nusach Frankfurth, 1938. It was all right but not terribly uplifting.

Mincha: The guy finished on time but for his victory kaddish he used a Dutch melody that only he knew.

Neila: the youngest NF was a rockstar, singing a mochel avonot solo and earning his payment of a crapload of Toblerone.

Sukkot: All was fine or at worst, parve.

Simchat Torah:
The night was fine and then we got to Shacharit: Martini led and all was fine until he got to hallel. Although hallel is a part of davening that people eagerly join in singing, Martini decided to sing a bunch of Australian melodies from the 1950s that only he knew. See Rosh Hashana Day 2. Gong.

Shabbat Breishit:
Kabbalat Shabbat was led my mini-martini (no relation to Martini), a trained chazzan. It was slow and boring but apparently, mini-martini wanted to show us what we missed when he was not asked to daven over r"h and y"k. When he got to השכיבנו, he sang the entire thing slowly to, ready,....מכניסי רחמים. People were clearly getting annoyed ---but was he done. Oh no! He finished off the bracha to the melody of והיא שעמדה (connection unknown). The NF wished everyone a חג שמח וכשר, gonged and then went home.

The difference between davening Shacharit and Mussaf on R"h and Y"k

After leading Musaf on 2nd Day R"h last year in the main minyan, the gabbaim have rotated the NF to Shacharit Y"k. While the NF doesn't really mind, other baalei tefilla really don't like doing a shacharit and much prefer mussaf. The NF, who led shacharit this past Shabbat-Rosh Chodesh, tried to explain why to one of the gabbaim ---

My logic, Shacharit on the yamim noraim is like אל אדון while mussaf is hallel. The gabbai didn't get it. So the NF continued --- at אל אדון  the shul is only 60% full, no one is awake yet and no is in the mood to sing so the chazzan has a lot of work to do. In contrast, by הלל, the shul is 95% full and as long as you sing something normal, it is very easy to get the crowd going.

A review of last Shabbat's mussaf

As a new co-worker "Making Tzaddikim Great Again" has recently discovered the now defunct blog, he has asked me why I don't get back to writing.

After this past Shabbat's mussaf, I could safely say that material had made itself available.

A bit of background: In our famous south Jerusalem synagogue, our internationally famous Rav has placed a number of baalei tefilla (if you want to call them that) on a black list for, well, sucking or just plain irritating the hell out of the kahal.  Only when the Rav is away, do the gabbaim ask the black-listed chazzanim to daven before the amud.  Appearing on the list:

• Guiseppe the WOP - an Italian-born neighborhood guy with an operatic voice who likes to sing kedusha to Verdi
• Cravat man - an older man with a rotten voice who likes to lead Kabbalat shabbat, nusach Carlebach, at the slowest possible speed all while wearing a cravat.
• Pepe Le Pew - A Frenchman who enjoys schlepping out the davening every opportunity he gets. In truth, Pepe (named after the famous French cartoon skunk) doesn't have a bad voice....he just regularly starts in a  bad register so that he cracks as he tries to go high. Pepe has become quite predictable in what he will sing. Kedusha of  Shacharit is always this.  Anyway, this past year Pepe was asked to daven mincha on Yom Kippur and although he was allocated an a hour and 10 minutes, he decided he would show everyone that he deserved a mussaf. He sang everything he could. At the hour and half point, oblivious to the late hour and the growing annoyance of the kahal, he began to sing רצה - our famous Rav banged on the shtender and yelled nu....Pepe had been placed on the blacklist.

With out Rav away this past Shabbat, the gabbaim asked Pepe to daven mussaf. While baal shacharit  had inoffensive (if not boring) nusach, he took his time. Leining was long as well (Pinchas is a lengthy parsha). And then Pepe got up there. And he schlepped. But what made mussaf special was Pepe's predictable kedusha:
First, פרוק ית for נעריצך and קדוש (which he said 4 times), תנצל נפשי (or at lease part of it) for כבודו, then אודך (from Hallel!) for ממקומו and finally, כבקרת רועה עדרו  for שמע ישראל.  As usual, no one was singing along (other than Dr. D and the NF adding "gong" in the appropriate places). Some may disagree with me, but I am a firm believer that certain melodies (such as כבקרת רועה עדרו and other yamim noraim melodies) should be left for, well, the yamim noraim. Would you ever consider singing part of davening to chamol or kol nidrei  on a regular shabbat?

“Snag”, A Nusach Freak reader, recently commented that I have not posted for over a year. Boy, time has really flown….
So what has happened in the last year? ---- The NF has been busy with life, kids, career etc. Something had to give and so the blog has gone ignored.

So here is the post high holiday roundup --- the NF went to the great for selichot and it was well, great especially when the choir sang this melody before shma koleinu (that video is kinda creepy, huh?).

The NF led Shacharit on day 1 of RH in our shul's main minyan which was followed by a grade A  musaf by Dr. D.    Dr D. and I sang this duet during mussaf.
In the hours before Yom Kippur, the NF traded countless emails with an NF fan/reader that needed some ideas for Kol nidrei/Shacharit. Remember folks, I’m here for you.

The NF led kol nidrei in a small overflow minyan. Like last year, Dr and I provided musical back-up for the rav of our shul who led neila.

The NF was then asked to lead Geshem on Simchat torah --- in tribute to the many happy years I spent in mini-Breuers/Munks growing up (as well as the high percentage of Western Europeans in our shul), I used the yekkish Nagil v’nismach for Naaritzcha (look at this website under Simchat Torah - hallel - Ana Hashem if you are interested), winning a gong and a golden shtender from an NF fan in from London. The old yekkish Don of the shul came over to me afterward and awarded me the highest compliment that a yekkish Don can give ---היה בטוב טעם (“It was done in good taste”).

Line of the year: While having a Shabbat afternoon tea a few weeks ago, Dr D and I were discussing some of the talk going on in our shul on how to prevent unpopular davening practices. So Dr D tells me that the shul so loves his davening (actually, they really do) that the women of the kehilla have been known to throw their underwear at him from the ezrat nashim at the end of davening.  After an awkward silence, I responded, “Dr. D. I believe that you have crossed the Freundel line”.
Second line of the year: there was a bar mitzvah in shul this past Shabbat. The family of frogs Frenchmen requested that Mini Martini lead kabbalat Shabbat. He sang everything that was in the siddur. He sang things that weren’t in the siddur. And he sang slowly. It was so bad that a large group left the shul early to join ISIS. But we were only getting warmed up. Shabbat morning a guest Froggie Chazzan got up and led shacharit in an over the top operatic style singing absolutely nothing and schlepping it out. As he finished, I turned to Mr. Oldsmobile sitting in front of me and said – “I believe we have been victims of cantorial masturbation”. His response: I’m not sure if you could consider that cantorial.”

לא על הלחם לבדו יחיה האדם

For those familiar with the blog, you will know that that the NF finds good nusach to be important. What you may not have known is that the NF is obsessed with finding great challah.

One would think that Israel being the Jewish state and all, and Jerusalem being the Holy City and all, that it would be a snap to find perfect challah here in the hood. But alas, it's just not so.

Upon making aliya many moons ago, the NF traversed across the many neighborhoods of Jerusalem seeking out the perfect challah --- crusty but chewy on the outside, with sweet overtones but not cake, not overly dense, no artificial preservatives etc.

 A few weeks ago on a Friday morning, Mrs. NF suggested that with the 4 little NFs in school all morning, that we take a drive to the city of Tel Aviv for a bit of change in scenery. Upon arriving in Tel Aviv, Mr. and Mrs. NF sat down for a cup of coffee (and a bit of pastry) in an upscale bakery/cafe in downtown Tel Aviv. As we sat there. some beautiful looking challot were being brought out to the front of the shop. Should we get one, asked Mrs. NF, "they certainly look good".

While deliberating whether to take out a second mortgage to finance a potential gourmet challah purchase, it dawned on me that challa in Israel can be broken down into 4 categories:

1. The homemade challah. Let's be honest, homemade challah often disappoints....it can be heavier than a rebetzin after 20 years of childbirth and strudel ....denser than an Amercian college football player, be overdone on the outside and raw on the insde and have that slightly alcoholic taste of over fermentation. Of course there are exceptions: Mrs. NF makes very good (if not a bit dense challah) and Mrs. Dr. D makes a golden spatula worthy streusel challah....but by and large homemade challah is not my thing ----
 (A digression regarding home baked challah - Many homemade challot seem to come from a 40-women baking challah to save the world ceremony. Let's be clear: The NF doesn't believe in this 40 women baking challah/segula. To quote the Big Gong  upon hearing  that 40 women would be getting together to bake challah to help cure some poor cancer sufferer, "I realize I am no medical professional, but I always found that chemotherapy more effective in treating cancer". Anyway, Mrs. NF had once invited the big gong and family for Shabbat lunch. Unfortunately, a young lady in chu"l was diagnosed that Monday with terminal brain cancer. On Tuesday, 40 women including Mrs. Big Gong got together and baked challah --- Mrs. Big Gong  put the challah she baked in the freezer. Sadly, by Wednesday the person in chu"l was no longer (see above  regarding the efficacy of 40 women baking challah)....Mrs.Big Gong called us and asked us if she should bring the challah for shabbat lunch taking into account that the choleh it had been baked for had died. Being a rational, non-superstitious Jews, we encouraged Mrs. Big Gong to bring the challah over. However, I must admit that with trepidation, I cut into the challah. Happily, I can report that no malignancies were found)

2. Heimeshe Challah - Heimeshe challah at its best is beautifully braided, smells like heaven, chewy on the inside and crusty on the outside. Slightly sweet but not too sweet, it's worth eating this challah even if the rebbe has licked it up and down before distributing pieces as shirayim. Typically challah is bought in bakeries where toothless women of a certain age named Manya, Blima and Gittle Genedel who are shaped like 3x3 linebackers, wearing little white jackets and speaking with heavy Polish/Hungarian accents are working behind the counter. Alas, heimeshe challah in Jerusalem can be misleading and challot can look and smell heavenly ---- but upon making hamotzi you find that the challot have no taste or worse have been baked using water drained from the men's mikveh just before yom kippur. However, there are a couple of good options in Israel: HaTzvi, Gerelitz, Vizhnitz (which while the NF can't stand others swear by), Brooklyn Bake Shop and Moishe's. Drink of choice for the crowd of people who buy this challah: A glass of tea with a sugar cube or some slivovitz to wash down the herring and onions they had for breakfast.

3. The challah of the Amcha (the common people) - Included in this group is the terrible water challah that can be purchased at every makolet in Israel, cheap supermarket challah that leaves you with a terrible preservative aftertaste and mass produced tasteless challah (Angel, Berman). (It should be noted that while the NF doesn't like this challah, the water challah is perfect for soaking up the sauce that accompanies  חריימה --- Moroccan fish and other Eastern delicacies.  Drink of choice for the crowd of people who buy this challah: Botz (Turkish Coffee).

4. Foofy challah - Many bakeries and coffee shops/patisseries in Israel offer challot along with other assorted baked goods and delicacies. One should be very careful before purchasing a challah from such a shop. Invariably, the challot look alright but then you realize that the menu includes, whole grain, brioche, organic, pumpkin, non-gluten and other abominations that have nothing to do with challah. As bread, these offerings might be quite good but let's be frank: It is not challah. and the regular challah is usually mediocre.  I call this foofy challah  because it is the challah bought by foofy people --- you know the type --- the kind of people who wear off-weave, multi-colored talitot in shul, the kind of people who insist on carlebach every friday night (but don't come to shul on time) and the kind of people who give their children unisex names. These people are probably ordering a soy latte while purchasing their challot bread. Foofy.

Getting back to our story,  Mr and Mrs NF purchased a challah from this fine bake shop expecting it to be foofy. but alas we were pleasantly surprised that the challah could have passed for Heimishe.

Why is this relevant to the Nusach Freak blog? It isn't. So there.

A modern reading of our High Holidays in Jerusalem

It gives the NF great honour to present you with a recap of the High Holidays (in particular Yom Kippur) as observed at  our South Jerusalem synagogue. The recap has been written by Marc Rosenberg of davenspot.blogspot.com.

_____________________________________________

The World Series just ended (congrats Boston fans) and thus ends the hype and glory of the MLB baseball season.  With all of the hoopla, it gives me the appropriate context to share my reflections on the burgeoning davning rivalry in the pews of a certain South Jerusalem Synagogue.  We have the classic titans, the Yankees who traditionally have their run of the amud, but in the past year, there is a bunch of youngsters (read, under the age of 50) – for lack of a better comparison the Florida Marlins - who are challenging the tefilla hegemony for davening domination.

My first and only disclaimer is that I am not a hazan. I only learned the techniques because my Dad died suddenly and had to daven a LOT from amud than I ever had before. I was the kid at summer camp more concerned about which girl person I sat next to than what page we were on (but that is another story).  Basically, I am the guy who couldn’t really make the ball team but somehow got stuck watching so much that I am sharing my play-by-play.

Our certain South Jerusalem Synagogue is an interesting place and offers a showcase of combative competitive davening skills, week in and week out.  The gabbaim run a tight ship; a core (read OLDer) group of men make sure that the leining and davening are appropriate for their tastes.  (I know of a good guy, principal at US day school, smeicha and even a kohen to boot, who told me of the time that he was at Our certain South Jerusalem Synagogue many years ago and they didn’t have someone to lein and he could, and did so, but was corrected on his accent and heavy askenazi style).  But I keep coming back because the davneing is a good and good things seem to happen when I daven there. Another important note is that in the past 8 years, a wave of younger families have joined the shul and while much of the control of the shul is with these elders, the younger people are starting to flex their religious muscles.

Each Shabbat, one can witness the ongoing battle between the Yankees and Marlins, as there is sometime a desire to split shacharit and musaf between the two groups.  It was once said that the Yamim Noraim are the playoffs of davening  - so too it was at Our certain South Jerusalem Synagogue.

I personally hadn’t been at Our certain South Jerusalem Synagogue for YK for four years, and returned this year to competing minyanim within the same building.  There was the vatikin vs. main minyan showdown which showcased the selection of hazanim of the different teams.  I did align my davening selection with the Marlins schedule and followed the NF’s schedule which did earn me points with my wife (for going early).  I did choose to go to Kol Nidre in the downstairs slot which was a reply of Kol Nidre from the 1950’s. The davening was led by a Yankee davening horse (NF Editor's note: Dr. CT) which trudged along the same intonation and tunes as in the days of yore.  The morning brought a lighter, faster, and meaningful cruise through shacharit, thank you NF – followed by an incredible musaf by Dr. D – was quite pleasing and I didn’t even go to the Gush. 

Mincha was led by a younger guy who clearly wanted to play for the Yankees and consequently sent me to the upstairs minyan for ne’ilah out of fear of what would happen to my soul.  Interestingly, Our certain South Jerusalem Synagogue's internationally known Rav davened and started off with a thirsty voice causing fear amongst the crowd about his vocal stamina and ability to elevate for the davening finale.  It actually was brilliant and punctual, and something even beautiful happened. Not only did the Rav’s voice get stronger as ne’ilah progressed, he brought in the hazanim from the Yankees and the Marlins to run backup.  They helped select tunes and pitch, and I may have even heard harmony.  Yes, some may say that the Marlins really carried the choir that night – with a special nod to Dr. D, but it was quite nice to see the gathering of hazanim from both sides standing together. 

But now that the season has passed, and I, sitting in my back row seat in the corner, watch the davening duel continue, rooting for the Marlins and hoping that davening ends by 10:45.

_______________________

thank you Marc 

---- the NF

Oh All right

Shana Tova to the greater gonging community....

Many of you have asked me when I would be posting my recap of the High Holiday days and the truth is, I have had no time to write ---- until now.

So here we go: Selichot: for the first time since childhood, I didn't make it to the "big Motza"sh Selichot" (Jewish Midnight Mass). Mrs NF is a medical professional and as such, was working in the hospital on selichot night.

The NF stayed home with the 4 little NFs. The Logical African reported that the Great Synagogue was well, great....The LA was also kind enough to send me a link to a recording of selichot at Ner Yisrael in Hendon, London with Stephen Goldberg leading. A good listen in my opinion.

The NF had a rather busy RH/YK... I davened all three days and was a nusach/niggun coach for neilah.... 

RH day 1: The NF led shacharit in the shul Hashkama minyan:
Melody choices:
1. אתה הוא אלוקינו ---- נער הייתי 
2. ה' מלך - the traditional Gush melody
3. לאל עורך דין - אנא ה' 

Personal grade: B+, I didn't feel well and made some minor mistakes that no one other than me noticed.
Baal musaf was fast, had good traditional nusach and was boring as sin.

RH day 2: The NF led shacharit in the main minyan:
1. Shulachti - Beshem Hashem (Carlebach)
2. Ata Hu Elokenu - Ana HAshem (Carlebach)
3. Melech Elyon - First the Krakower niggun and then this modzitz niggun 
4. Hashem Melech - the traditional Gush melody
5. Kedusha - Rachem Bchasdecha...

 Of course, in chazarat hashatz, I threw in a simcha lartzecha and in Avina Malkeinu, a tehei hashaa hazot. Vaani tefilati was sung to vlirushalayim.

No questions asked, I got the room singing.
Personal Grade: A

Dr. D led a pretty much flawless musaf which managed to really get the room going. As usual it was a pleasure to listen to.

 The Rav of the shul awarded both the NF and Dr D golden shtenders, asked us if we would be willing to become the chazzanim for life (with a salary) and have our oldest respective sons marry his daughters. OK, the latter two items didn't happen but he did ask us to stand by his side during neila and provide musical support (ie, start the melodies, provide harmonies etc).

 YK was soon upon us and after a quick mikveh run, the NF was sitting down on Friday afternoon to two different kinds of kreplach prepared by Mrs. NF. Delicious. Mrs. NF has won a golden spatula.

Arriving at shul, Dr. D and the NF took our seats in the overflow/vatikin minyan (where we would be davening in the morning) just as Dr.CT was starting to intone Kol Nidrei. I have never heard such a technically correct, souless rendition. It was as dry as a camel turd in the middle of the Sahara.

The NF and Dr. D quickly went upstairs to the main minyan where the baal tefilla attempted to integrate well known pop songs (this and this) into the selichot to make the 3 and half chilonim in the room feel more comfortable.

 YK morning - the NF led shacharit in the vatikin minyan (5:40 start, 6:05 HaMelech, End of Shacharit: 7:50)
Melody selection:

El Adon - Ein k'erkecha
Ata hu - Ya Ribbon (Gush)
Hayom Yikatev - Mochel Avonot
Melech Elyon - the usual Carlebach set to get it over with quickly
Al Yisrael - vhavitotim
Haderet vaHemuna - the seuda Shlishit melody
L'El Orech din - Ana Hashem
Kedusha - Breslav lecha Dodi
Ki Anu Amecha - Tzama Nafshi
Val Kulam - Modzitz
Vani Tefillati - Baruch El Elyon
Personal Grade: A-/A

Dr. D led his usual flawless musaf. Neila was really nice with lots of good singing. Dr. D and I managed to teach the kehilla mochel avonot and we finished excatly on time. More importantly, the massive ice coffee the NF drank just seconds after making havdalla was inspired.

Pshhhhhhhhhh

Why is it that when people see a "chushuva" or even a not so "chushuva" person get a kibud they have a natural inclination to make a rude sound.

"Yaamod Yankel ben Zalman, Shlishi"

Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

What does a sound reminding us of the act of urination have to do with getting a kibud?

This question has been asked by numerous rabbis (I use that term loosely considering the current state of the cheif rabbanite in Israel) and has been answered as follows:
1. I'm so very impressed that my neighbor, the am haaretz, has been given shlishi that I have literally wet my pants. In recognition of this, I make a peepee sound.
2. My neighbor has recently had prostate surgery and needs all the encouragement he can get.
3. Pshhhhh does sound like peeing but it also sounds like something deflating. We direct this sound at our neigbor to let him know that he shouldn't let the kavod go to his head --- he should deflate his ego.
4. In a  similr  vein, it is brought down in a book written by some guy with a long beard that kibudim are typically given to chushuva people. Of course these people are generally no more chushuv than my belly button lint so it has become minhag yisroel to let them no that despite this kibud they are getting, they are still a bunch of pishers.
5. A pishing sound is better than a flatulation sound.

A new term

As noted in the last few posts, the NF now davens in a shul that has a very low tolerance for shtuyot which means that very little material has made itself available in the last 11 months since we moved.

But this past Shabbat was special --- Sitting through a complelty inoffensive shacharit   a new term was born.

Baal shacharit was an old guy with completly inoffensive and boring but tolerable nusach. But then when the Torah was taken out, he decided that despite the fact that there was a long double parsha and birchat hahodesh, it would be a good idea to sing Beh Ana Rachitz very very slowly. And then it dawned on me. the chazzan wasn't guilty of cantorial masturbation; No he was guilty of cantorial stupidity.

We managed to get through the leining and then the Swiss Army Thespian got up to daven musaf. He did the יהי רצון for ברכת החדש using the old school, שיבנה בית המקדש melody. The melody kind of makes me think of hava nagila, gefilte fish balls, electric blue carpeting, satin talitot and the Men's Club at a 1960s-era Orthodox/Conservative shul. But Swiss pulled it off ok and I suppose the melody is appropriate for the month of Av. He then correctly used the אלי ציון melody for יחדשיהו.

But then we got to Kedusha. Now, Swiss has mentioned to me a number of times that he is looking to win a golden shtender. But yesterday, Swiss did not win anything....

First he used the melody from אין לי ארץ אחרת which is both ugly and inappropriate for kedusha. But I could have forgiven him for that.....and then we had Sunrise/Sunset for the 2nd half of Kedusha. Oh barf!  Frankly, it made everyone feel icky all over.

As a general rule of thumb, we should try to keep Broadway and shul separate.

Sorry, Swiss, you have been gonged.

As requested by a mitpallel- a Post Pesach Post

Dear Nusach Freak readers....
the NF would love to continue entertainign you with his writing. But well, as the NF has moved to the holy city of Jerusalem and started praying at a rather well-known south Jerusalem synagogue, there is just nothing to write about.
The NF's new shul has 4 gabbaim of which 3 are Yekke/Swiss and literally everything runs like clockwork. The leining is flawless 99% of the time (and I mean flawless --- shva nach, nah, mapik hei etc) and the gabbaim are rather picky about who they allow to daven (the NF and Dr D are asked quite regularly). Sure you get the occaisonal cantorial masturbation or the French baal tefilla who always  starts too high and cracks or the old guy who belts out some melody from the late 19th century. But literally no new blogging material has made it itself available since Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur. Well. Until we got to Pesach that is.

1st Day - Dr. D davened a very good Shacharit with a above average hallel (only mistake - a bad melody selection for מה אשיב that left us all feeling a little bit icky)
Musaf/Tefillat Tal was not my cup of tea as I thought it failed to inspire (no one seemed to recognize any of the melodies used by the baal tefilla - from יה אלי through the מכלכל חיים after תפילת טל making for a bit of a schleppy albeit nusachly correct davening but there was no gonging going on).

Shabbat Chol Hamoed - the NF and family travelled to an Israeli coastal town to spend the weekend with relatives. Davening on Shabbat was very poor (offkey, unispired hallel, baal musaf couldn't of told you if he was davening shacharit or musaf, what chag it was or if he was davening nusach sfarad or ashkenaz) but again, the NF did not feel compelled to share his experience with you.

The NF and family returned to our home in the holy city for the 7th day of chag.  Moses said "Let my people go" and indeed the S**t hit the fan as SmartAleck led shacharit. SmartAleck has one of the nicest voices I've ever heard in a shul. I've heard him daven a few times over the last few years and the man has a clear talent in introducing complex melodies into the davening. But this 7th day of Pesach was not SmartAleck's best effort.

Shacharit started tradionally enough. Although he was a tad slow, shacharit itself was alright...until tzur yisrael before the amida. Smartaleck decided to sing the section to the Sefardi Tzur Mishelo/Los Biblicos Cantan Romanza. It's actually a nice melody which the NF  uses for ושמרו in chazarat hashat"z of Shabbat Shacharit when there is enough time and the kahal has patience ---- if there is hallel or a double parsha, I would never try to elongate the davening.

and then we hit hallel --- 35 minutes later we finished. and it was horrible. He sang things that were in the siddur. He sang things that weren't in the siddur.  Any word in hallel that reminded him of a niggun he had once heard meant he had to the sing the niggun with lots of lay lay lays etc. SmartAleck was misreading the crowd - no one was singing along and people were getting antsy. We eventually made it to הודו לה' כי טוב and SmartAleck started singing some melody I'd never heard before but sounded like something one would hear on GalGalatz....and then he did it....he anwered himself. Yes, he sang Hodu LaShem and then repeated. He then sang yomar na yisrael and then answered himself with a hodu Lashem etc. never seen that done before. gong.

Having started davening at 8:30, we fininshed hallel at the unheard of time of 9:45 (we usually finish the entire davening by 10:30)....but we weren't done. SmartAleck started הוצאת ספר תורה....upon hitting ואני תפילתי he didn't sing the traditonal meldy nor did he introduce a new innovative melody (the NF uses ולירושלים עירך on weekdays and ברול אל עליון on shabbat/YK)......no. Smartaleck started a non descript, slow, unidentifiable chant. But we weren't done. SmartAleck took the torah and said Shema using the yamim noraim melody!!!!
An old women cursed her very existence and wished she had never been born. An old man had a stroke and  babies, children and adults had diahrea right there in the shul sanctuary --- except for those who were constipated (it was Pesach after all), they threw up.
gong. Let's just say that SmartAleck is no longer being considered for a tefilla or 2 on the yamim noraim.

In other news, the NF has finished the writing stage of the sefer torah --- I brought the torah to another sofer this past week for tiyug (adding the little crowns) and then we'll start the checking process.

Funny

Sorry for not having posted much in the last few months....The NF has been really busy.

here is a very cute little video from "אנדרוס"....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKH_4-DMRus

A Jewish Rain Dance

A reader has written in with a question regarding that Jewish Rain Dance called Tefillat Geshem:

From: "I Love the Nusach Freak"
Date: Oct 11, 2012 6:04 AM
Subject: Tefillat Geshem/Tal
To: nusachfreak@gmail.com

Dear NF,

First of all, just discovered your blog, and it's amazing. Some of our nussachim are simply specimens of beautiful composition and totally deserve the respect you pay them.

Second of all, when on Shmini Atzeret the guy davening Mussaf used the Chatzi Kaddish from Yamim Noraim Shachris (or at least something very similar), I silently went a little crazy because I was expecting Yamim Noraim Mussaf (which I personally think is really, really beautiful). But after doing some research I discovered he was right. My question is, quite simply, why? How does it make sense to stick a Shachris Kaddish in a Mussaf?

Thanks,

Dear "I Love the Nusach Freak"
Thank you so much for your mail. You are so right: some of our nussachim are simply specimens of beautiful composition. Unfortunetly many others are complete dreck. But really who are we to judge? 

 Regarding Tefillat Geshem -- Let's start with some background regarding what to use when. In Ashkenazi nusach there is a concept of mi-sinai niggunim which of course means that they are not from sinai. Here is a link to an excellent article by Cantor Sherwood Goffin on the matter.
 In Ashkenazi nusach using the R"h/Y"k musaf kaddish for Tal/Geshem would kind of be like playing God Save the Queen instead of the Star Spangled Banner. Lhavdil, of course. I can only think what would happen should such a thing occur (mixing up the kadishim, not the anthems) and I'm pretty sure it would involve mixed dancing and inter-marriage. 
having said that, there are three distinct nusachim that all have 2 very similar attributes (and that are all mi-Sinai niggunim):
 1. Tal/Geshem
2. Neilah
3. the kaddish before baruch hu on R"H and Y"k (I'm not actually sure if this is a mi-Sinai niggun but since nobody is going to get hurt if we call it one, let's go for it). Listen to about 10 minutes in....  

Each kaddish starts with a declining scale for the words יתגדל ויתקדש followed by a sudden jump to a  higher note for שמיא רבה . This is followed by all sorts of ay yay yays. I never really thought about it before but I guess there are similarities between Shacharit and Tal.  So-So chazzanim are always getting confused between Tal/Geshem and neiilah and thus, one way to test  a chazzan if he knows his nusach is to ask him to sing both and identify which is which. I have alsways found that the way to remember the Neilah melody is that the melody on the initial words have a certain desperation while Tal and Geshem is a long slow decline which makes sense when we are in no hurry on chag (unless of course it is the first day of Pesach and the prunes that you had for breakfast finally did the trick right before musaf).  


I hope that answers your question.


    - the NF    

Shabbat Chol Hamoed - A guest blog

Editor's note: The NF is pleased to once agin host  a guest post from the Big Gong.
________________________________ 


Yankel led shacharit, which I have to say, was surprisingly bearable. It was almost as if he was showing some sensitivity to the fact that we would soon have to endure 28 minutes of a man (editor's note: the same guy who led YK shacharit last year)  reading kohelet whilst his underwear was clearly too tight. They must have been very tight because he at least went at some pace.


The one foul up Yankel did make, IMO, was to use this tune during Hallel (as a bonus, the clip features both kol isha and some buxom seminary girls jumping up and down)

Just because a popular song has the same words as are included in Hallel, it doesn’t mean it suits the responsive nature of that particular part of tefilla. No one knew if they were coming or going --- and that was before they saw said clip of buxom seminary girls. (Editor's note: I take no respondibility for the Big Gong's humour).

The Torah reading was so slow, it was actually read backward. We ended up somewhere in Vaera for the Maftir.

When Ben Bollocks took the stage for Musaf an audible sigh was heard. I walked around the shul collecting everyone's belts so as to minimise the suicide attempts that would surely follow as Bollocks, showing no sensitivity to the time, proceeded to belt out his now obligatory “Avinu Avinu”. Shoot me now. Twice. And then hang me.

I just don’t get it.
_______________________________

thank you Big Gong.

The NF has recieved an intersting question from a reader regarding the correct nusach for the kaddish preceding Tal/Geshem....Hopefully I will respond in a post soon.

Sukkot & Simchat Torah

shalom to the greater gonging community.

The NF was asked to lead Maariv the first night of sukkot....It's kind of fun being the shaliach tzibbur for a big (450+ people) minyan but it was a bit annoying that only a handful of people joined in for the English/German shalosh regalim kaddish before the amida. Here is a link to the sheet music.  I'm still working on getting a sound file....

A good time was had by all over Sukkot, .זמן שמחתינו----- that is other than an NF fan who wrote to the NF describing his disgust of an experience he had at his local hashkama minyan on the first day of chag....Yes, Shacharit was fine (even if the chazzan screwed up Hoshanot), our fan was even forgiving when the chazzan for Musaf forgot ותערב. However, when the chazzan for musaf used the Partisan's song for kedusha, our fan had had enough. As our fan wrote:
"Yes, I just love that joyous image of jews in ghettos fighting the Nazis and marching under the gates of the camps to liven up my yomtov"

(At some point we may need to do a post on inappropriate melodies in shul)

Another NF fan told me of his disgust when on the first night of sukkot  the baal tefilla in his shul used the pre-mussaf kaddish from the yamim noraim. If you don't know the nusach, don't get up there.

Simchat Torah
The NF happily spent some time in shul over Sukkot reading תולדות חג שמחת תורה by א יערי which identifies the origins (all in late antiquity) and various minhagim (very sketchy) practiced around the world on this awful day. I came across a minhag from E. Europe where the village melamed would lead all the little children through the village yelling out צאן קדשים to which the children would respond:

Mehhhhhh

Yes. יערי  then dedicates 2 pages in his book breaking this minhag down mentioning in which towns the children would say, Mehh Mehh and which villages they just said Mehh.

So the NF brings the 4 little NFs to shul on simchat Torah night only to find an old guy yelling: צאן קדשים. Children responding loudly were rewarded with lots of candy.

All in all, hakafot were bareable at night...

In the AM, the NF davened at the 5:15 AM minyan, finishing at 7:45 AM. The problem: I ended up returning to shul at 9:30 with the children....At least kol Hanearim was very well organized (150+ children making their way  after their aliya to shake hands with the rav and get a bag of junk.)

0 for 5

No Golden Shtenders were given out over Yom Kippur.
The older gentlemen leading Kol Nidrei wasn't my cup of tea, Baal Shacharit had a nice voice but poor nusach and melody selection, Baal Musaf was alright until he used Fiddler on the roof for וכל מאמינים (GONG!). Baal mincha used this kaddish to start and then again as his victory kaddish. Enough said.
....and then the older gentlemen who had led kol nidrei led Neilah using the geshem nusach. Gong. and then he sang more or less everything to this melody. Double Gong.  All in all it was an easy fast but the davening left us feeling a bit wanting.