Nusach Freak

Simchat Torah & Shabbat Bereishit

2011-10-23T05:18:00.000-07:00

Simchat Torah
The NF doesn't like Simchat Torah very much as I've written in past years. My solution has always been to attend a hashkama minyan at 6:00 AM and be done by 8:30. But alas, the NF is the gabbai (along with J and YS) of the main minyan in the NF's local yokel shul. Going to hashkama was therefore not an option.

It wasn't as bad as a I was expecting. Having said that, it was still painful.

For our international readers, don't forget that in Israel Simchat Torah is observed on Shmini Atzeret. That means that in addition to al lthe simchat torah crap (hakafot, aliyot, chatanim, kiddush) there is also yizkor and geshem. The NF and J approached both Mendy and Big M Halevi about leading Geshem. Both refused. What the hell we thought, let's ask Ben Bollocks.

So Ben Bollocks gets up there to lead Geshem....right after putting back the sifrei torah, he asks me if he is supposed to say "hineni". And then I knew we were in for it.

1. He started the kaddish that is used before Musaf on the yamim noraim. Gong. Only in the second half of kaddish did he correct his mistake and switch to Geshem.
2. For Avot, he used the melody for Neilah. Gong. This was a first....I have heard chazzanim use Geshem for Neilah but never Neilah for Geshem.
3. The piyut for Geshem itself was actaully done in a satisfactory manner.

Typically, The NF gets annoyed when people do shtuyot on Simchat Torah....but the NF, after working like a dog the last month (along with J and YS) hit the point of not caring sometime during the first day of Sukkot....so The NF enjoyed watching the following:

1. The Gonging Gabbai pour a cup of water on Ben Bollocks when he said Mashiv Haruach Umorid Hageshem. Not original but funny enough.
2. After Kedusha, YS belted out yimloch to the melody used on Rh and YK...Ben Bollocks didn't stand a chance and couldn't make the switch to Shlosh Regalim nusach.
3. In the middle of chazarat Hashatz we simply took away the shtender (as we would for aleinu on RH and YK) leaving Ben Bollocks grasping for his machzor....
4. Tekiah was randomly called out....

Ben Bollocks was a good sport through all of this....

Shabbat Bereishit

The NF, YS, The Big Gong and the Gonging Gabbai wewre invited to a bar mitzvah held in KY/S&M. It was probably the worst davening experience I have had ince the last time I went to a bar mitzvah at KY/S&M. This was no fault of the bar mizvah boy who read the parsha adequatly and for the most part accurately. No. What made the davening so special were the imported baalei tefilla the family of the bar mitzvah brought to lead services.

The guy who led shacharit did so in a manner that was completely inoffensive. It was also completing boring, uninspiring and as dry as a camel turd in the middle of the Sahara. The chazzan sang absolutley nothing. It was just as well I guess because the guy who davened musaf did sing and the NF wished he hadn't. It was embarresingly painful to hear a guy sing melodies that didn't fit the words (Birchat hachodesh), in bad keys (kedusha) and try to sing melodies he didn't know ("Tanya" at the end of kedusha).

Some conclusions:
1. Just because it's your simcha doesn't mean that Uncle Harold - the one with the nasty toupe who likes to play "pull my finger"with your children --- has to daven musaf.
2. If you are going to daven, know your crowd --- if you are in a main minyan with 400 people you are expected to sing a little.
3. Know your limitations --- if you aren't 100% sure how a melody fits don't use it. All the more so if you don't know the melody.
4. Americans for the most part do not know how to sing. KY/S&M is by and large a shul attended by Americans....I have never been in a main minyan with 400+ people where the singing sounded so bad. No one seemed to know how to harmonize.

A guest post from Dr. D, Physician - Entitled: Be Careful What you Wish For

2011-10-16T04:19:00.000-07:00

Dr D, having enjoyed an uplifting Yom Kippur (in contrast to the NF it has to be said), looked forward to his return to one of Tel Aviv's fine hotel establishments to enjoy some well deserved R+R after the Yamim Noraim. Apart from the breakfasts, the main highlight is the excrutiating davening experience that only hotels can provide - a subject which readers of NF are only too familiar.

Dr D was expecting the same chazan as previous years - a chazan who always brings his underage kids along to 'harmonise' with him. There are pigeons outside my window who chirp in harmony better than this chazan and his kids....In addition, Dr D fondly recalled the man who led Pesukei DeZimra, putting many of the paragraphs to music....The gong had been well and truly bashed to death.

It was therefore mildly disappointing to see that the chazan had been replaced by another chazan. No kids either, and therefore - or so Dr D thought - no opportunity to write for the NF. Wrong.

It all started with Maariv on first evening. One of the slowest davenings any human has ever had to sit through. It became clear to Dr D that this chazan was clearly being paid by the minute. On the plus side, Dr D did enjoy catching up with his latest book....

The next morning brought on the same pesukei dezimra man. It looked very very bad when he stared singing 'she'yibaneh beit hamikdash' over and over again at the end of the Rabbi Yishmael paragraph. I mean, no-one ever says that bit, and here is a 'sheliach tzibbur' singing it!! Gong.

Fortunately, he restricted himself to mostly that. The Baal Shacharit was disappointingly average. The Chazan stood up for mussaf at which point Dr D was pulled aside and was asked to join a breakaway minyan. Of 100 men, over 50 joined this minyan.

Shabbat followed. Dr D was delighted to see that the famous YS was staying in the hotel. YS can verify everything written.

Chazan stood up for Kabbalat Shabbat. He sang everything - bad tunes. Gong. In addition, as no-one could be bothered to join in he turned to the Kahal like a conductor waving his arms in a failed attempt to get people to join in. Bad sign - gong. Dr D pointedly did not join in. If you have to conduct to get the Kahal to join in your tune, the tune sucks. Tough. However, the creme de la creme was his tune to the Kaddish before the Amidah. Sang to Yerushalayim shel Zahav. Double gong.

Unfortunately, he had Shacharit the next day. Dr D then noticed that the Chazan was being encouraged by the Pesukei dezimra man (herein known as PK man) who sat next to the Bimmah. Annoyingly, PK man clapped along with every tune. Dr D is very wary of the man who claps in shul. In his experience, the man who claps is signifying that he is considerably richer and more imprtant than everyone else and can do what he wants. After 2 days, PK man was irritating Dr D - too much clapping like he owned the flipping hotel.

He did own the hotel....

The Chazan then decided to end one of his kaddishes with an Amen as if it was a tekia gedolah. Gong. Seriously, at least half a minute. By the time Kohelet finished, the Kahal was exhausted and once more a breakaway minyan formed for YS to do a wonderful and quick mussaf.

The gong had been pulverised -smashed to the ground, trodden on and jumped on, buried half a mile underground.

Dr D has come to a conclusion when it comes to hotel minyanim and the activists in them - that Beit Shammai had it right all along ---- Don't suffer fools gladly.

Moadim Lesimcha

______________________________________

--- Thank you Dr. D.
To the gonging community --- we hope to have another guest post from the Big Gong ----critiquing the NF's Rosh hashana musaf and describing another bad nusach experience he had while attending KY/S&M this past shabbat ---- in the coming days.

YK

2011-10-10T03:24:00.000-07:00

As ADDERabbi wrote in this blogpost last year,
"why did I get the feeling that it wasn’t anything special this year?"
this is exactly how the NF felt this year.

Maybe it was the fact that I'm a gabbai and was therefore busy (along with J, Gonging Gabbai and YS) in making sure everyone had a seat and everything was running smoothly. Or maybe I just have too high expectations....

Kol Nidrei was led by a guy who I would call a rising star in the world of Jewish Music....I don't own any of his CDs and I won't --- not because he doesn't have a beautiful voice....I just don't like the frummy music style of Mordechai Ben David, Avraham Fried etc.

So anyway, Rising Star's voice is magnificant and he did a very nice job leading Kol Nidrei, Maariv and Selichot. But the NF came out of it very uninspired. I found the experience rather parve other than when he used Carelbach's Ana Hashem for yaaleh tachanunenu with accompanying harmony from J and Dr. D, physician.

Shacharit was led by a local yokel with very good nusach and pretty good melody selection. The only problem: he was wearing tighty whities (as he always does) that were about 23 sizes too small. So every song was begin at a pitch that was way too high to sing along and sounded rather screechy. So no inspiration there. The NF got a headache.

Big M Halevi led a highly commendable musaf and introduced some really innovatove melodies but with a heachache and the fact that the Avodah doesn't really inspire me with any spirtual thoughts, I came up empty on this one too. At least the gonging gabbai's counting abilities during "achat, achat v' achat etc." were somewhat entertaining.

mincha was mincha. Enough said. Dr. Blue finished exactly on time.

Neilah was certainly an improvement. YS did his usual excellent job --- the NF's lack of inspiration was ceratinly not his fault. There was some good singing, nice harmonies....but....as the Cubs Fans always say:
"There's always next year"

Alas, no Golden Schtenders were given out...

Gmar chatima tovah

2011-10-07T00:14:00.000-07:00

...after hitting the mikveh at 6:00 AM (contact Big Yoni Posselizer for mikveh jokes) followed by Shacharit at KY/S&M, the NF sat down to do his daily writing....by chance, today I finished Parshat Metzora and started Acharei Mot....tomorrow's leining.

Gmar Chatima Tovah

-- The NF

getting ready for YK

2011-10-05T01:55:00.000-07:00

2 links everyone should listen to before Yom Kippur:

Rosh Hashana 5772

2011-10-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

Shana Tova and Gmar Chatima Tova to the greater gonging community.

First things first, the NF skipped out on his annual selichot night hot date with the LA. Srulik Hershtik's choir had not been engaged to accompany any chazzan and past experience taught me hearing a chazzan with a random choir is about as spiritually uplifting as being on the recieving end of a high colonic (or giving end for that matter).

So the NF attended his local yokel shul where a very nice kumzitz was held in the 45 minutes leading up to Selichot. Selichot were led by the same guy who led last year's neilah using the nusach from Geshem. Said Selichot leader proceeded to do an inoffensive job until he began singing everything to the Yonatan Razel melody for והיא שעמדה. The Big Gong started giving out matzah to the mitpallelim who then complained of bloating and constipation. The connection between והיא שעמדה (The Abeshter saving us from our enemies) and Selichot (repenting for being very naughty) is not very clear to me.

Four short days later and Rosh Hashana was upon us. Shacharit first day was led by a guy with inoffensive nusach until he got to the piyutim in חזרת הש"ץ. He then preceded to sing אתה הוא אלוקינו to the melody of אלי אלי, the Holocaust poem by Chana Senesh. I am assuming he got confused between יום הזיכרון and יום השואה. Either way, he succeeded in alienating the kahal. Just when the NF thought it couldn't get any worse, the ~~Uzbekistani Bikini team showed up~~ he sang Sim Shalom to this melody, repeating the opening line about 300 times and causing most of the mitpallelim to join Hamas. Chazzan's Grade: C
"J" led an excellent musaf.

2nd Day, the Big Gong led a perfect psukei dezimra. Nicely done Big Gong. All psukei dezimra chazzanim in the neighborhood now use the Big Gong's perfromance as a benchmark for their own.
"YS" led what was probably the best R"H Shacharit I've ever heard. YS picked excellent melodies and came up with some excellent innovations such as sing all the Kadosh's leading up to Melech Elyon to this melody. YS, you have won a golden shtender.
The NF led musaf. This was a first for the NF after having led Shacharit on Rosh Hashana about 20 times going back to when I was in University. All in all it went well although it was far from perfect --- the NF has invited the Big Gong to write up his critique and present it here.

In the meantime, here is what the NF did:

Hineni - The Gush nusach (Rami Yanai) with three part harmony from J and YS at the end...
Unetaneh Tokef - Heinevitz for the beginning, Kibbutz for the middle and Carlebach at the end. Brosh Hashana using this and then Henivitz for all the מיs and of course, Modzitz for אין קצבה.
For Vchol Maminim - this and this (more on that later)
Pipiot - this and Ana Hashem by Carelbach
Seu Shearim - this wedding processional
Zacharit Lach - Lewandowski (with multi part harmony from J, YS, Yankel, Ben Bolloks, and the Gonging Gabbai
Halleluya - Carlebach's shomrim
Hashem Tzvaot Yaken Aleihem, ken Tagen - the high part from והיא שעמדה (Here, the meaning of the phrase matches the words of the song)
Hayom Teamtzanu - Tehei Hashaa Hazot.
Hayom Harat Olam - Avinu Malkeinu
Areshet - This melody

Some conslusions:
1. If it aint broke don't fix it. The NF switched the melody in vchol Maaminim half way through...a mistake....the kahal really got into the first melody and didn't take to the second as well.
2. You often have to sacrifice the traditional melody you love/you grew up with if you want to the have the crowd on your side. J used the Gushi hoyom teamzanu and Hayom Harat olam and both fell a bit flat because people either don't know them or associate them with anything special....using more traditional melodies on the 2nd day, people seemed to be singing more.
3. In a participatory minyan, the chazzan is as good as the guys supporting him. Without J, YS, the Gonging Gabbai and Yankel, singing at the top of their lungs I would have been dead in the water....As it was, I was hoarse all Friday afternoon. thanks guys!

Happily, A very tired NF is not leading anything on Yom Kippur....

Wrong!

2011-07-17T00:50:00.000-07:00

The Gilded Gabbai, in his comments to the Big Gong's guest post, writes on "Puff, the past-his prime chazzan", who mis-applied the victory kaddish":

"Said chazan contends that Yossele Rosenblatt composed the "victory Kaddish" for use on regular Shabbatot."

a few comments:
1. Although the NF and his contemporaries refer to the said kaddish as "the victory kaddish", in fact, in liturgical writings, it is usually referred to as "the chassidic kaddish".
2. It was not composed by Yossele Rosenblatt but rather by Yankele Gottleib (1852– 1900), better known as Yankel der Heisereicher (Yankel the Horse Runner) ---- you really have to wonder about that name.
3. Of the internet sources I have found, not one says that the melody was composed for weekly Shabbat use.
4. According to this blog, the melody was composed for the kaddish titkabel at the end of neilah but its use has now spread to all kaddishim titkabel during the yamim noraim.

A guest post from the Big Gong

2011-07-14T00:39:00.000-07:00

I am pleased once again to present a guest post by the esteemed Big Gong Shlit"a.

________________
(NF note: The shul for which the NF is currently a gabbai and the Big Gong, a member in good standing (an upstanding member?) is currently praying in a non-air-conditioned atrium in the local public religious elementry school. In the winter months, the davening is quite pleasant but in the summer the heat/humidity in the room makes it ideal for steaming vegetables. Our kehilla has raised considerable funds and has commenced construction on our shul building ---due to be finished in 2012. Another kehilla, sometimes known in the neighborhood as KY/S&M, completed their shul building earlier this year. It is in that shul building that the Big Gong attended services this past week)

This past Shabbat I had the pleasure of davening in the “Gilded Landsmanschaft” across the street from the shul/school/sauna I normally frequent. It’s funny because I always thought a “Gilded Landsmanschaft” was a handheld, battery operated device, available for purchase in specialty stores, or via discrete mail order, but it turns out that, in this case, it is referring to a synagogue.

I do like praying in the Gilded Landsmanschaft. It’s bright, airy, roomy (usually), and you can daven like a mensch.

I often reflect, whilst davening in the shul/school/sauna, on how we underestimate the importance of the physical environment in which we pray. Some of us romanticise about Kabbalat Shabbat in the shtetl, where our fore~~skins~~fathers would run into the fields to greet the Shabbes Queen, although the reality was, I suspect, something closer to a group of people huddled in a wooden shack hoping there would be no pogrom that week.

It is certainly true that a quality baal tefilla is a necessity, as well as a relatively decorous crowd of people, but being in a “real” shul, somehow brings out the best in (almost) everyone (I think).

Sure it’s nice to pray vatikin at the kotel from time to time, or to daven mincha on top of a mountain, but there’s nothing like a real shul. If the environment is hot, stuffy and acoustically lacking, then many people understandably find it tough to focus. Cue much talking and inattention. And the weeks where there isn’t much talking is usually because a large contingent didn’t bother coming because it’s too hot in the shul/school/sauna, or because they crossed the street to enjoy the much vaunted pleasures of the Gilded Landsmanschaft.

Enough about that. You get the point. Build the bloody shul already.

Regular readers of this blog will by now be very familiar with the Freak’s gongs, the “Victory Kaddish” and the horribly ubiquitous “Avinu Avinu” (that is mercifully becoming less ubiquitous).

I sat in (not “on”) the Gilded Landsmanschaft, enjoying the davening that day. A pleasant shacharit had passed, leining was uneventful (as it should be) – I even received a proper aliya. We were about 1.5hrs into things, a perfectly acceptable timeframe for musaf to begin, and up strolls a slightly-older-than-average-though-not-actually-old man to the bima. I had never seen him before, and no one, amazingly, knew his name. He was clearly a somewhat-trained chazzan, and did not have a particularly offensive voice by any definition. (NF note: There is good reason to suspect that this chazzan was the one who sang hallel to "Puff the Magic Dragon on Yom Haatzmaut as reported by Dr. D, Physician - Gong)

And the performance began. The thing that should really have set alarms bells ringing was in the middle of the first mi sheberach. When it got to the bit about “u’mi she’notnim ner lamaor v’yayin l’kiddush u’lehavdala”, he sang it to this classic tune (Ofra sings it best).

And then, in a sense of crushing irony, we were subjected to an avinu avinu. It’s like going to a steak house and ordering the vegetarian option. It just shouldn’t happen.

When it is ~~performed~~ butchered in our shul, I normally roll my eyes, catch a sympathetic gaze or two from a fellow congregant, and carry on reading my book. But here, in the Gilded Landsmanschaft, I had just been served the nut cutlet, and I was mortified. Mercifully, the baal tefilla must have sensed my displeasure, and after the first line, immediately switched into the standard incantation and rattled off the remainder. It still took several minutes for people to pick up their jaws from the floor.

Musaf continued with a few little funnies, but you know what, it was air conditioned, we were still well on time for a 2 hour finish, and my kids were at home tormenting Mrs Big Gong. I was fine.

But the best was yet to come. By way of reminder. I am writing about a standard Shabbat in July. Parshat Balak (which incidentally is where my favourite piece of translation, ever, is found in the JPS translation (1917) of this week’s parasha):

Numbers 22:30: “And the ass said unto Balaam: 'Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden all thy life long unto this day? Was I ever wont to do so unto thee?' And he [yes, the ass!] said: 'Nay.'”.

Brilliant. You couldn’t make it up.

This was no Shabbat Mevarachin, no Rosh Chodesh, and certainly no Yom Kippur Musaf. Why then did the baal tefilla find it appropriate to end musaf with the Victory Kaddish? Why. Did. He. Do. It?

This question, will I fear, remain unanswered for all time. There was no Gilded Gonging in the Gilded Landsmanschaft. There was only silence as the assembled looked on in disbelief, with only one word hanging from their lips. “Why?”

Fellow freaks, may all your prayers be answered (in whatever tune they are sung, and on whatever week of the year that particular tune is correctly, or incorrectly, sung).

The Big Gong.

shabbat in Tel Aviv

2011-07-10T04:20:00.000-07:00

The NF spent this past Shabbat in Tel Aviv at a small boutique hotel celebrating the shabbat chatan of Mrs. NF's recently married cousin.

At this boutique hotel does not have a dedicated room for tefilla purposes, the NF and his brother in laws attended an old Ashkenazi shul about 3 blocks away. Given that we are all in the 29-35 range age wise, our presence went to lower the average age in the room to about 86. The NF was asked to daven friday night and surprisngly, the kahal sang along....

Shabbat morning, a really old dude davened shaharit with really nice nusach. Then when it came time to take out the torah, the chazan started singing all the familiar German melodies....of course the NF sang along much to the shock of all the old geezers who wanted to know how I knew German nusach....
The baal koreh leined yekke and the NF enjoyed showing NF#2 what a wimple looks like and how it is used during gelila....

By the end of davening, I had all these old guys talking to me in German (which I don't speak) and telling me yekke jokes. Example: How do we know that Adam HaRishon was a yekke? Because the Torah says: אדם, אדם איכה.....Adam Adam a-yekke.

Baal musaf was a guest who was trully horrible. He:
1. Sang the famous Kvodo Maleh Olam --- always sung by Ben Bollocks --- but being that he was really frum, he sang it so that he didn't repeat any words. It sounded really bad.
2. He sang Mimkomo to the melody of Mitzva gedola leheot bsimcha....uh hello! you are davening with a bunch of old yekkes whose idea of simcha is to have an ingrown toenail removed while singing deutschland uber alles
3. For Shma Yisrael he used the famous chabad melody which is meant for nusach sfarad --- so the melody didn't fit.

Returning to the hotel, the NF and his brother in laws discovered that there was two families of a certain ethnic origin, having a private minyan as part of a Shabbat Chatan....we were invited to join them for mincha....All the men other than the rav wore wife beaters , silky satin kippot on very gelled hair and lots of cologne....they sang some really awful pizmonim in an off-key manner bein gavra l'gavra (during mincha!) and then right after the sefer was retuned to the heichal, a fist fight broke out....The NF was completely in shock and still doesn't know what to make of it....

How does one screw up so badly?

2011-06-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

The NF hopes that everyone enjoyed Shavuot, זמן מתן תורתנות, or as it known in some circles, the Tisha B'av of the Lactose Intolerant.

Shavuot davening went off without a hitch in the NF's shul. The NF davened maariv, an Israeli with pretty decent nusach (and voice) davened shacharit and J led a flawless Musaf. Walking home from shul, the Logical African saw me and ran across the street. "Oh boy, do I have a story for you" said the Logical African. You see the LA davens in a small shul across the street from the NF's shul....it is mostly made up of Israelis who wouldn't know nusach from their belly button lint but there are a few guys who know what they are doing. Well , apparently the guy who led maariv on the first night of Shavuot was playing with his belly button lint for too long because the said chazzan got up there and instead of using the traditional Yom Tuv nusach, started the ay yay yays of the yamim noraim.

Sure the kahal tried to help and get the chazzan back on track but to no avail. The chazzan just kept plowing through using the yamim noraim melody. He even sang all the ay ay yays leading up to each bracha by himself while the kahal sat there uncomfrtablly thinking about cheesecake, blintzes and lasanga.

The NF knows how hard it is to switch nusach mid-davening. Sometimes the chazan forgets to switch the meolody at yimloch and he just can't get the right melody in his head. On Shabbat Hazon, the haftara keeps going back and forth from the regular trop to eicha and its easy to lose the correct melody. When a chazzan messes these up its unfortunate but forgivable. BUT HOW THE HELL DO YOU START MAARIV ON SHAVUOT WITH THE ROSH HASHANA & YOM KIPPUR MELODY!?!?!?!?!?!?!

The Ofanim, the Chayot Hakodesh, the Malaachim, St. Peter, St Gabriel, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Buddha and everyone else hanging out with Abeshter let out one massive celestial GONG.

Bad ideas

2011-05-23T05:02:00.000-07:00

Hello all you gongers. My apologies for not having blogged in a while. Between, Pesach, work, and the sefer torah (now 43% finished!) I simply have had no time to write....

A number of poeple have emailed me with a some nusach questions --- I will eventually get back to all of you --- it just may take some time.

So Friday night the NF attended an "Early Shabbat" minyan so that we could start Friday night dinner at a normal hour--- it was the first time in almost a month that the 4 little NFs were able to join us for the entire meal.

During davening the NF sat next to the Logical African (LA) and in the tradition of our forefathers, we began to schmooze. Just as a rather uninspired kabbalat shabbat was about to begin, I said the the LA, "wouldn't it suck if the chazzan decides to daven Carlebach style..." Happily, the chazzan just sang meekly in the traditional manner and we were home and making kiddush in no time. In the meantime LA and the NF went through some chazzaning/synagogal no-nos:

1. Using Carelbach (with lots of niegh neigh neighs) at an early Shabbat davening
2. Singing hallel on a weekday rosh chodesh at any minyan that starts before 8:30 AM
3. Making noise for every haman at a morning megilla reading (not attended by more than 5 women and children)
4. Trying to prevent the gabbaim from "ad-kanning" during hakafot at a simchat torah hashkama minyan.
5. Insisting on singing lmaan achai at the end of pitum haketoret.
6. A victory kaddish after any tefilla other than shacharit and musaf on R"H, the five tefillot of yom kippur and tal and geshem.
7. Singing random songs in psukei dezimra just because they have been set to music (example: שבחי ירושלים)
8. using the melody of heveinu shalom aleichem or hava nagila in davening, ever.

Unfortunetly, the NF has experienced each and everyone of these....

any others?

In other news, Dr. D reported that at the minyan he davened at on Yom Haatzmaut, an old (past his prime) chazzan used the melody of Puff the Magic Dragon in hallel. Gong.

Applying a new approach & the Youth Minyan

2011-03-09T02:22:00.000-08:00

So the davening in the NF's local yokel shul got so bad over the past few months that "J", "YS" and the NF decided to take over as gabbaim. In the 5 weeks since taking over, we have prevented small children (alvins) from leading kabblat shabbat and focused on getting the best quality baalei tefilla up there for every tefilla. So far so good ---- but not so much for the Nusachfreak blog. As J pointed out to me, if the NF puts a guy up there and he sucks or does some monkey business leading to a severe gonging, the NF is just as responsible as the Gongee.

So what got so bad and what are we changing?
There are lots of "philosophies/approaches" regarding how to run a shul.
1. There is the perfomance approach --- there is usually a chazzan (and maybe a choir), a professional shamash. Members of this kind of shul, may lead psukei dezimra (and nothing else) and generally don't sing along while the chazzan belts out something long and boring. this works because most members are approaching 90 and can't hear the chazzan without turning their hearing aids way up. Examples: the Great Synagogue (Jerusalem).
2. The all inclusive "Barney" shul. I love you, you love me, we are all part of a damn annoying shul family. We want everyone to feel confortable in our warm and fuzzy shul so we try to get as many people involved in the davening as possible. Serving as a chazzan is kind of like the old "Yo Mama" Joke ---- Yo Mama be like a merry go round, everyone gets a turn. While in theory the NF is not opposed to this approach, in practice when expanding a sampling of baalei tefilla which includes lots of unknowns, you will end up with davening that, in the best case situation, lacks any umph and in the worst case situation sounds like a bunch of dying cats. It is very hard for a shul to develop a particular style or quality because every week there is something different --- sometimes good sometimes bad and the really good, compentant baalei tephilla only get to daven once in a blue moon because as noted above, everybody needs to have a turn. More often than not, a sub par guy will get up there and run through the davening as fast as possible.
3. Selective participation. In every shul there are those that can, those that can't and those that think they can but can't. In order to set a tone/style for the shul, the gabbaim create a rota where only those than "can" daven. Of course, one risk insulting the two other groups and particularly those that think they can but can't.

Last year saw the gonging gabbai try to implement more of a Barney shul. However, the real trouble started when the gonging gabbai stepped down and caretaker gabbaim stepped in. Kids davened kabbalat shabbat every friday night ruining any sense of "avirah". "whoever" davened on shabbat morning --- usually off key and thankfully superfast --- and week by week the davening got worse and worse. It was at that point, J, YS and the NF had enough...

We have informally defined a rota of about 13 guys (which akwardly includes, J YS and the NF) and using the selective participation appraoch, the davening has become a lot more enjoyable in the last few weeks. So far the pushback has been limited....

Youth minyan

the concept of the youth minyan is a chutznik concept. For some reason Israelis have this idea that their sons should sit next to them in shul. This, in theory, allows the sons to absorb their fathers' (authentic) nusach. In practice, if they actaully make it to shul, the teenagers wander the halls rather than sit with their father and if we want to talk about nusach....a) their fathers' nusach is usually awful and b) the kids almost never get a chance to hone their davening skills as chazanim.

A group of teenagers in our shul took it upon themselves to start a youth minyan that starts about an hour after the main minyan....so far so good. More and more kids are coming and I've heard from a number of parents that their kids are actaully excited to come to shul. The NF has gone up to the classroom where the kids are davening to fetch the sefer torah and put it back in the aron in the main minyan...suprisingly, its a pretty serious minyan. no fart jokes. very little talking, and generally good decorum (another sign they have not learned anyhting from sitting with their fathers). Of course, given that the teenagers in our shul are all tone deaf, the davening sounds like a group of sea otters begging for herring but I guess you can't have it all.

the NF's question: For those of you that went to youth minyanim growing up, how did you learn to daven? by hearing the guy next to you? Or were you taught by the minyan madrich (or from tapes)?

contact info

2011-01-17T02:19:00.001-08:00

the NF can now be contacted via email at:
nusachfreak@gmail.com

Howling at the moon

2010-12-14T03:19:00.000-08:00

The time: 5:13 PM, just minutes before Shabbat was to end this past week
The place: The street corner where we daven on Motza"sh because we are too lazy to walk an extra block to shul
The weather conditions: Very windy and very overcast

So Big Yoni Posselizer (formerly known as Yoni R) crosses the street and says "it's my favorite time of the month --- we get to do a "We are Jewish, this is how we dance" dance at the end of Maariv". The Big Posselizer is of course referring to the completly uninspired shuffle that 4 or 5 guys do at the end of kidush levana while singing "טובים מאורות". This shuffle, which is distantly related to the "White man's overbite" from When Harry Met Sally, is performed by this small group of men for anyone of the following reasons:
1. They want to delay for as long as possible going home to their wives and children.
2. It is their monthly form of excercise.
3. They like touching other men.

There was just one problem. YS led maariv and becasue he insisted on saying all the words, by the time we got around to kidush levana the moon was no longer visible behind the cloud cover. So the NF (who does not join the טובים מאורות shuffle although avoiding his wife and kids for an extra three minutes on Motzai Shabbat would probably be a good idea), the Baltimore Chop and The Big Posselizer are standing on the corner pointing up to the spot where the moon should be, looking like a bunch of imbeciles. The NF then called upon the Lord: "Oh Lord, Please Moon Us!" But to no avail.

He who answered our forefathers, did not answer us.

A taste of childhood

2010-11-29T01:17:00.000-08:00

Very rarely, a smell, taste or sight can bring back a stong memory of childhood. A video posted on youtube 2 days ago did just that...

The video shows the KAJ (Breuer's) Choir singing ובנחה יאמר by Japhet. Hearing this melody brought back such a strong memory of time spent in our little yekke shul as a kid that the NF literally could taste the Kedem Malaga kiddush wine and Schnecken cookies served at the Shabbat Mevarchim kiddush following musaf.

While the NF acknowledges that his little yekke shul was far from perfect, I have many happy memories from going to shul as a kid. I must wonder what associations are being created in my the 4 little NFs' heads going to a "vanilla" Israeli shul and hearing timless classics such as Avini Avini.

A positive experience

2010-11-22T05:51:00.000-08:00

So the NF's mother in law was in town for a couple of weeks and as such , she requested that we go away for shabbat. Without giving away too much information, let's just say that the greater NF family headed to the North of the country to a hotel that caters to the religious population. Knowing my own personal experiences in the past as well as after hearing about Dr. D, physician's largely negative experience at hotels, the NF did not have high hopes for Shabbat....

Upon entering the lobby a couple of hours before Shabbat, we were greeted with 4 just-out-of the army guys singing unbelievable a capella. And then I knew everything was going to be all right.

Upon arriving in the hotel shul a few minutes before shabbat, I was happy to discover that the aforementioned 4 guys were actually a choir (מפתח סול) brought by the hotel management to accompany the hotel chazzan.

A few years ago, an anglo tourist asked me what my favorite place Israel was. Among my top 5: The arrival hall at Ben Gurion airport. Huh? I'm sure you are asking. Yes. The arrival hall at Ben Gurion. The NF loves the happy buzz of families meeting returning children who have only recently been released from Japanese/Thai prisons after being caught traficking drugs. The NF loves the family of olim who made aliya 30 years ago and still dresses that way, awaiting savta to come off the plane. I love the charedi guys who have just travelled for 12 hours, walk out of the baggage claim area with a shtreimel box and a duty free bag with 30 boxes of ciggarettes and 3 bottles of scotch trailed by their wives pushing a cart with 19 pieces of luggage and holding 13 children. I love seeing the tel avivi/chiloni kibbutznik pick up his girlfriend and start playing tonsel hockey the moment they meet. (Get a room!) Friends/family from all walks of life are greeting their loved ones and in the excitement of the moment everyone forgets how much they can't stand one another. Sure the fights will start when everybody gets home. But for the time being, it's all dvash (honey).

The NF loves seeing the Tel Avivi, the moshavnik, the kibuttznuik, the charedi, the dati leumi all happy and sharing a common ground.

That's exactly what the NF felt as a chazzan accompanied by this marvelous choir started a very nice carlebach kabbalat Shabbat. The NF felt this way because there were Jews from all walks of life in the shul. Dati Leumi, Chabadnikim, Chasidim in bekkeshes and shtreimels, Lithuanians in frocks and hats, sephardim, a few masoratim and even some chilonim wearing nothing but loin clothes (I'm kidding for those of you with no sense of humour) sharing the moment and participating by singing along. In truth, the chazzan himself was not my cup of tea, but he was more of a baal tephilla/wedding singer than a "cantor" and his nusach was very good. What made kabbalat shabbat one of the nicest I ever heard was that choir.

Dinner was delicious, the kids behaved and we all went to sleep by a reasonable hour....

The Chazzan led mussaf the next morning again accompanied by the choir...of course the NF knew what was coming after the haftara --- Avinu Avinu and it sounded something like this (the guys were once in the Army rabbinical choir). The NF can now admit it. I actually like Avinu Avinu when it is sung by a group of guys that give it some kavod. (Unlike the yodeller, Shloime Baruch and Mendy). then it was time for Mishaberech for chayalei Tzahal .While the chazzan read the tephilla the choir hummed על כל אלה . Cheesy but very pretty.

Things did start breaking down during musaf and a few gongs were given out. The choir harmonized Keter beautifully to the melody of.....................

Somewhere over the rainbow. Gong!

and for mimkomo, they hamorized even more beautifully to the melody of.................

O sole mio. Gong!

But the NF so enjoyed hearing the choir that all was forgiven....

A breakthrough

2010-11-16T04:29:00.000-08:00

The Yodeller davened musaf this past week. Thankfully, he didn't sing Avinu Avinu but then in kedusha he decided to yodel....As usual it was slightly off-key, full of repeated words and uninspiring. When the NF went to wash his hands before birkat kohanim he saw that "David Wallaby", a self-described hazzanut mumcheh was davening at our shul. So the NF asked if he recognized the yodeller's yodel. Apparently, the yodeller is trying to imitate an uber-famous hazzanut work composed by Leible Glanz. There are just a few problems with the yodeller's rendition:

1. Unlike Leibele, the Yodeler does not have a chazzan's voice
2. Unlike Leibele, the Yodeller is singing unaccompanied by a choir
3. Unless you really like chazzanut and Leibele Glanz's compositions and the chazzan singing has a really really nice voice, the said melody will give you a headache.

Here is a clip of Chazzan Netanel Baram singing the composition (not badly I must add -- I just don't like chazzanut). (When the NF played the you tube clip for Mrs. NF this morning, she covering her ears and started yelling "make it stop", she then started twitching and speaking in tongues.)

In summary, we have discovered what is behind the yodel and the yodeller is clearly guilty of cantorial self-gratification.

Guest Post - By Dr. D, Physician

2010-10-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

Dr. D. called the NF early on in chol hamoed to let me know that material had made itself available at Tel Aviv hotel on the water.

We, the gonging community, appreciate Dr. D's thinking of us while on holiday and providing us with this guest post.

------

Emboldened by his recent award of a golden shtender, Dr D, physician, went with high spirits to a top hotel in Tel Aviv for Succot. Actually Dr D should point out that that the NF awarded 4 golden shtenders for Yom Kippur, which given that there are only 5 services reduces the meaning somewhat but Dr D is still delighted.

Now, the NF has already written about hotel minyanim, but the events of Succot were so terrible that they need documenting in order to warn future generations.

On Shabbat Chol HaMoed, Dr D decided to attend the hotel minyan as he could not be bothered to walk 15mins to the shul he was familiar with. Also, stuffed with pastries, cheeses and coffee, the walk to the hotel shul was difficult enough let alone beyond....There was a sense of foreboding as the hotel chazzan (whose voice resembled a stuttering sheep according to a relative) has a bad habit of incorporating his two sons (pre-pubescent) into the davening. Dr D has strident views on Jewish music - basically, Jewish music is bad enough, but sung by boys is excrutiating. Hearing pre-teenage boys screaming high notes all pronounced in that heavy oy-de-doy asheknazus makes Dr D pray for deafness. More on that later. Meanwhile, one of the obviously affluent Americans in the crowd did Pesukei Dezimra- and SANG most of the post-Ashrei paragraphs. By 'sang', he actually had figured out tunes to things -including applying Mizmor LeDavid for the latter half of Nishmat - huge huge gong. What next?? Rabbi Yishmael omer to Tov Lehodot Hashem?!?! This is the problem of letting rich people daven. Too many people suck up to them and let them get away with nusach-acide.

Shacharit- an Israeli led this and it has to be conceded that he was good so onwards....

Mussaf -cue the Chazzan and his two sons who sounded like strangled cats -really - terrible. Boys -like Jewish music should be seen and not heard (actually,not seen either).

But the piece de resistance - yes - Avinu Avinu with the two strangled cats humming the HaTikva at the end.

The gong was bashed to pieces.

----

thank you Dr. D.

--- the NF

Post Simchat Torah Write up

2010-10-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

As many of you may recall, the NF is not a fan of Simchat Torah. However, this year's festivities passed without too much discomfort.

the NF and family attended evening hakafot at the local yokel shul --- nothing too offensive occured --- just a lot of men going around and around in circles and women looking on bored. Simchat Torah morning, the NF headed over to the early minyan (start time: 6 AM). The early minyan was standing room only...and very fast. The gabbaim told the chazan for shacharit that he was allowed to sing no more than 2 songs -- hakafot lasted 5 minutes and we zipped through leining. Baal Musaf (Tefillat Geshem) did a nice job and the NF went home (at 8:15 AM) with a big smile on his face.

Adding to the fun was Yoni R's shtick...in a November post from last year, the NF mentioned that if one were to perfrom shtick on Simchat Torah it might as well be original --- like putting peanut butter in the Cohanim's shoes during birkat Cohanim...When the NF finished duchening in shacharit, he went to put on his shoes only to find a surprise as placed there by Yoni R.

The following is a photographic reconstruction of what I found....

....the note inside contained my aforementioned blog spot with my peanut butter suggestion highlighted. Way to go Yoni R.

Given Yoni R. consistent dedication to this blog, the board has voted 5 to 2 to change his blog psuedoname to something cooler than Yoni R. I request that, you the readers, provide me with feedback on what that cool new name should be.

the options:

1. the Artist formerly known as Yoni R.
2. Big Jim R.
3. Statler
4. The Stam posselizer

A couple of additional items...

Last night, the Baltimore Chop told me of a terrible occurence....At the main minyan at one of the shuls in the neighborhood, the baal koreh, Rabbi Tom Hagen, sang kaddish before maftir to take me out to the ball game. Gong. Simchat Torah is not Purim. No Cracker Jacks for you.

and although we have a year until next year's chagim --- here is an awesome version of kol nidrei as sung by Kol Achai.

--- the NF

A guest post

2010-09-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

Moadim L'simcha to all you gongers...
while wishing you all moadim l'simcha I am reminded of when I lived in NY many moons back --- the NF noticed that new york jews are not good listeners and often hear what they want to hear. So on shabbat, I would greet all those of the Hebraic persuasion with a merry "Flannel Pajamas" (instead of Gutt Shabbes)....if the person had a kippa sruga on their head, I would say " I'm from Rome" (instead of Shabbat Shalom). No one ever beat an eye lash.

So when greeting someone on chol hamoed, I could have said, gutten moed or moadim l'simcha....but the NF wanted to see if anyone was actually listening....so every time I passed a "yid with a lid", I would mumble the name of a billionaire --- such as Rupert Murdoch, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet....not once did anyone question what I had just said and instead mumbled something back at me....still not sure what.

So Rupert Murdoch to you all.

The NF prayed in his local yokel shul on the first day of chag --- "Slow as Molasses" davened shacharit and was well, slow as molasses. "H" Davened musaf in his usual eyes closed, impossible to sing along with sort of way. Nothing too offensive, nothing really to gong.

Meanwhile, the Big Gong attended the early minyan both on the first day of chag and on shabbat and came away shaking his head...

While lunching over at the big Gong's this past shabbat --- while reviewing the general state of affairs (if any of you have heard the great lashon harah coming out of London you will understand)--- I suggested that the Big Gong again provide us with a guest blog.

Here it is folks:

-------

We had the pleasure of the NF’s family in our sukka today and after discussing two of my recent visits to the early minyan he suggested I write a guest post.
I had on the previous two occasions attended the highly efficient and usually highly pleasant early minyan in the locality. Shabbat’s proceedings passed with very little, if anything, to gong. The Baltimore Chop led a flawless shacharit. I particularly enjoyed his “Hodu la’Hashem”, although I couldn’t name the tune, let alone find you a youtube link. Yoni R read Kohelet and simultaneously provided me with the best 23 minutes of sleep I have had in a long time. Musaf passed quickly and without notable incident, particularly as the baal tefilla was clearly playing out of position by davening nusach ashkenazi.

I wish I could say the same about first day chag. Roger Mellie was asked to daven shacharit. He was guilty of too much singing for this particular minyan, in fact he was guilty of too much singing. It did the job I suppose, but the piece de resistance came at the end of the hoshanot. I thought at first my ears were deceiving me, but I listened again, and it was true.

Roger was belting out the “Victory Kaddish”.

On first day Sukkot.
After an unexceptional shacharit.
I shot a glance at Yoni R whose gnarled facial expression confirmed that he was hearing the same thing. For two days now I have been thinking of an explanation for Roger’s actions. But one eludes me. Some things in life are sacred, and amongst them is the RH/YK nusach. No longer it seems. Gong.

Musaf started with a rousing “Yekum Purkan” (this was chag remember, not Shabbat), and upon being heckled to go straight into the ~~Prayer for the Queen~~ State of Israel, the baal tefilla quickly followed with an equally rousing “Sorry” (in English) to the kehilla. At least we had a laugh to carry us through the rest of davening. Gong.

As disarming, and frankly unforgiveable, as that victory kaddish was, it gave the NF and myself hope. Hope like we haven’t had since that Pesach when someone confused Adir Hu with Maoz Tzur during Hallel.

Od Yishama b’arei ha’shefela u’vechutzot Modiin, kol sasson v’kol simcha, kol ha’gong v’kol ha’golden shtender.

I leave you with a little something to celebrate Julie Andrews birthday next week:
------

Thank you Big Gong. The NF may be getting another guest post this time from Dr. D after a painful experience at a local hotel over the first days of chag. In addition, I will try to respond to AddeRabbi's Yamim Noraim post.
Moadim L'simcha or Warren Buffet or something.

--- the NF

y"k round-up

2010-09-19T06:22:00.000-07:00

the NF wishes the greater gonging community a שנה טובה and hopes that everyone had an easy fast.

And the golden Shtenders go to:

1. To Dr D., physician. Dr. D davened musaf yesterday (after leading kol nidrei the night before) at the neighborhood vatikin minyan and was superb.
2. To Dr. Blue. The NF got to shul for mincha, got his talit and Depends on and waited for the yodeler to make the kahal crap itself. But alas, the yodeler got to shul and told the gabbaim that he did not want to daven. The gabbaim had to scramble to find a replacement and asked Dr. Blue to step-in. With no prior preparation Dr. Blue had perfect nusach, was fast and finished 7 minutes ahead of schedule.
3. To the Big Gong for his outstanding 16 minute psukei dezimra at the vatikin minyan and for refraining from telling me any rude jokes during the avoda (after numerous mikveh jokes erev y"k). After shul yesterday morning, the Big Gong went over to Dr D and said: "of you, me and the NF (who davened a 2-hour shacharit), who do you think was best?" you were, Big Gong, you were.
4. To the gonging gabbai --- for all his hard work over the chagim even if some of his baal tefilla selections were absolute bombs. Shkoychi.

As mentioned above, the NF led shacharit at the vatikin minyan (start time: 4:50 AM) which was a bit tricky. After getting through hamelech, I realized I had 7 minutes to get from barechu to גאל ישראל to hit נץ החמה. I turned on my special NF turbo engines and we hit it right on time. The NF did have to use a very fast melody for אל האדון, specifically the Carelbach לשנה הבאה בירושלים, which had the surprising effect of getting people singing at 5:15 AM.

The NF's melody selection:
אתה הוא אלהינו -- Naa'r Hayiti (For the record Yoni R, who continues to remind me that he is the only person on the blog without a cool pseudoname, told me that it was a kitsch selection) ---- with three part harmony from YS and Dr D.
היום יכתב- Mochel Avonot
אמרו לאלוהים - a large assortment of melodys including yachad, shomrim mafkidim, boi v'shalom (Carlebach) etc.
מעשה אלהינו - the London Yom Shabaton. I thought a lot about Marc Weinberg z"l while we we made our way through this piyut....we always sang this melody when our families had shabbat lunch together.
על ישראל - v'haviotim
האדרת והאמונה - the Seudah shlishit melody
קדושה -- from kvodo through shma yisrael, the Breslov Lecha Dodi.
שמע קולינו -- from Al tashlichenu etc I used the high part from lev tahor....
אנו עמך-- tzamah nafshi
אבינו מלכינו זכר רחמך -- prok yat anach
ואני תפילתי -- the NF "borrowed" YS's idea of using Baruch El Elyon...Luckily Mrs. NF wasn't there to scream at both of us for using too many shabbat melodies in the middle of Yamim Noraim davening.

for the record the NF really missed hearing YS's neilah....As noted in a prior post, the gabbaim didn't want anyone to have a chazaka so YS didn't lead neilah this year --- in my opinion a mistake. The person who led neilah used the geshem/tal meoldy for kaddish (gong) and the regular yamim noraim melody for avot (double gong). At least he sang mochel avonot a few time and he finished on time!

Time to go practice waving various garden specimens around.

-- the (very hoarse) NF

לשמוע אל הרינה ואל התפילה

2010-09-06T02:27:00.000-07:00

this past Motza"sh, the NF, Yoni R, the "logical African" (the NF's annual hot date for selichot night) and the logical African's father in law, Murray the drug pusher, went to hear Shlomo Glick lead selichot accompanied by Srulik Hirshtik's choir.

The choir was phenomenal and Shlomo Glick did an absolutly fantastic job (and this is coming from a guy who does not particularly care for chazzanut).

Links to snipits recorded by the logical African can be found below:

אשרי/קדיש
לכו נרננה
לשמוע אל הרינה
והביאותים

כתיבה וחתימה טובה

the NF

Random stuff

2010-08-30T01:27:00.000-07:00

The NF hasn't posted since early July ---- very little interesting material has presented itself.

So some random stuff:

1. the NF finished Sefer Breishit last week just about one year after starting. At the pace I'm currently writing (1 hour a day, 7 days a week --- I write Friday morning and Motzash), I should be done in another three years. Here's a picture from the start of פרשת ויחי:

2. With the High Holiday Days almost upon us, the NF is getting ready to lead Shacharit Second day R"h and Shacharit at the neighborhood vatikin minyan on Yom Kippur. Right now, I'm petrified I'm going to catch a nasty cold a few days before R"h....

3. The gabbaim at the NF's shul decided that no one should have a chazaka on any particular tefilla.
But for some reason, the gabbaim decided to overlook this issue when they asked the yodeler to lead y"k mincha for the third year running.

Here is what the big gong had to say about that:

-----Original Message-----

From: The Big Gong
Sent: Thursday, August 26, 2010 6:23 PM
To: the NF

Subject: Y"k

Is there any explanation for why the Yoddler managed to get the same slot (actually any slot) three years in a row? Is the Gonging Gabbai in cahoots with the dry cleaner that will be cleaning all the soiled pants (American translation: crapped underpants) after YK?

---- End message ----

To tell you the truth, other than kedusha and kaddish, the yodeler does a respectable job. The last two years he has managed to finish mincha within five minutes of the time allocated to him for mincha. And --- other than kedusha and kaddish --- his nusach is passable. So the gonging gabbai and I were trying to think of ways to tell the yodeler, nicely, not to do his off-key yodeling bit. The problem: every suggestion ended up sounding like this: "Hey yodeler, you know that melody you use for kedusha? It makes people laugh so hard they cry and then they crap and wet themselves. It makes mother's milk turn sour. It causes mixed dancing. It causes our children to turn off the derech. It is probably responsible fo global warming, AIDs, land mines, many cancers and Air Supply. So would you mind not using this year (or ever)."

4. A sign the apaocolypse is coming: The gonging gabbai asked both Mendy and Shloime to daven musaf over the last few weeks and told them not to sing avinu avinu. And they didn't. Shloime did get a bit of a hurt look on his face when he was told not to do it.

5. This coming motzash I have my annual hot date with a neighborhood buddy to go hear a chazan and choir for first selichot. This year, we are going to hear Shlomo Glick accompanied by Srulik Herstik's awesome choir.

6. The guy leading kol nidrei this year at the NF's shul asked me to record my nusach...so I downloaded recording software onto my PC. Now my kids like to sneak itno the office, open the software and record themselves singing Shama lama ding dong as sung by Otis Day (shlit"a) and the Knights in the heilige movie Animal House. (you can guess who taught the little NFs (ages 8, 6, 4 and 2) how to sing that song).

7. If anyone has any R"h/Y"k nusach questions, email them in and I'll try to answer with accompanying recordings. Please don't ask me questions about Y"k musaf --- I've never learned it.

---The NF

Off topic

2010-07-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

So this morning the gang celebrated the ritual snipping of the Gonging Gabbai's youngest. Mazal Tov to Mr and Mrs Gonging Gabbai. The brit deserves special mention because both Mr and Mrs Gonging Gabbai gave awesome speeches where there was a brief dvar Torah, a nice succinct explanation why they named their son what they did and very limited (almsot none!) mushy gushy stuff.

While mushy gushy stuff in a brit/simchat bat speech really has nothing to do with shul or nusach, the fact that britot/smachot bat are often celebrated in a shul is good enough for me to include some discussion here on the blog.

Did you ever notice that brit/simchat bat speeches often make people very uncomfortable. There are a number of elements that can casue this discomfort:
1. The hesped for the person that the child has been named for. Examples:

We have named our child Yosef after my great great great grandfather Reb Yosef Stalinsky. Zaide Yosef was a man of the people but also a leader. It was said that his appetite for cholent could cause famine and his strong belief in the abeshter as the lone רופא in the world caused him to have issues with doctors. Zaide Yosef was so machmir when it came bedikat chametz that he would do everything possible to purge his house of items he did not thing were acceptable.
We have named our son Yankel after Shprintzee's great uncle. Yankel learned all of shas twice everyday. He would fast everday but shabbes. He loved dipping in ice cold mikvaos. And his conviction for money laundering, tax fraud, racketeering and pimping was anti-semitic. Yankel was the gabbi of the sfardishe minyan in Federal Prison and we hope that out little Yankel will follow in his footsteps.
We have named our daughter Gittle Genendal after Zalmi's bubbe. Bubbe made chicken soup (the speaker starts crying) and gefilte fish (more weeping)....Her jellied calf's foot was loved by all those that were willing to taste it (starts wailing).

Yes people like to dress up their yichus or alternativly start telling us very banal information. Why we have to hear about it is beyond me.

2. The couple decide to let everyone know that they love one another. Examples:

Sara'leh, I just want to tell you I love you so much (all the Americans in the room now go Ohhhhhh while the NF starts barfing) and I still would even if your father didn't agree to support me in kollel for another five years.
Oh Bracha, following the birth of our 8th child last week, I can tell you any lingering doubts I had about us are gone. (the NF was actually at a bris where I heard this)
Oh Chavie, Thank you for bearing my children. I love you and I'm not just saying because otherwise you'll make me sleep on the sofa

Folks, keep it to yourselves. I like to simply assume that a couple who are on child number 7 love one another. I don't need to hear it. And more often than not, the statement of love comes out cold or insincerely making me think that maybe the new father really does have lingering doubts (or is in love with his chavruta)

Anyway, Mazal Tov again to the Gonging Gabbai Family. שתזכו לגדלו לתורה לחופה ולמעשים טובים

Baruch Dayan Emet

2010-07-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

(Given the circumstances, I'm going to break my usual blogging protocol of using nicknames and initials)

Last night, a good friend and member of the neighborhood chevra, Marc Weinberg (שמעון אלימלך בן אלחנן דוד הכהן וסימה רבקה), passed away at the young age of 35 after a gallant three year fight with Leukemia and GvH.

Marc and I met back in 1993-4 while learning in Gush and despite Marc's general dislike for Americans, we became good friends. When my wife and I moved to England in 1999, Marc and I had a chance to reconnect --- by then he was dating his future wife, Natalie, an old friend of Mrs. NF's brother. Marc and Natalie in characteristic fashion were incredibly warm and welcoming. On Yom Kippur, the NF and his wife davened in the Bnai Akiva Bayit and each mitpallel was given a time to do shmira by the front door of the shul to be on the lookout for anything suspicious. The gabbai giving out the times gave me the 10 minutes at the end of Neila. Marc noticed this and insisted on taking my time slot --- telling me that giving a newcomer the worst shemira time slot possible is not appropriate hachnasat orchim.

Years later we all connected again in our new neighborhood in Modiin. Marc and Natalie insited on having us over for supper the day we moved into our new home. Something that Marc said that day really stands out in my mind. As Natalie brought drinks to the table, Marc quickly offered my two older kids some juice. He then turned to his older daughter, Yona (then about 3) and explained that part of hachnasat orchim is offereing your guests food and drink even before taking for yourself. For me, Marc's simple statement to Yona was representative of a key part of Marc's persona --- a complete dedication to Jewish Education and making every opportunity an educational one.

Marc was the ultimate student (and teacher) of Judaism. the phrase "ושננתם לבניך ודברת בם" was central to him. Looking at his impressive library, Marc loved delving into classic texts, philosophy and history. Any new thought provoking book, article or film needed to be discussed and analyzed. When mentioning that I had just fininshed a book or seen a film, his response was always, "Nu", an indication that he wanted to borrow what ever I had just finished so that we could discuss its contents.

When it came time to select a school track for his older daughter, we spoke for hours debating the pros and cons of each option. Marc wanted the educational framework that would ensure that his daughter would be a knowledgable, sensitive and engaged Jew when she reached adulthood. Marc ultimatly selected the option that would require the most effort from him and Natalie telling me that other options might provide a stronger framework in the early years but only significant investment at home would instill in his daughter the love of Judaism that he was seeking for her.

Marc was not just a student of Judaism. He was also an engaged member of the greater Jewish community that took the phrase "וכל מי שעוסקים בצרכי ציבור באמונה" very seriously. He was mazkir artzi of Bnai Akiva in the UK. Later, Marc was a founder of the Alei Ziyyon minyan in London and was a co-founder (with the NF) of the first Shabbat and Yamim Noraim minyan in our new neighborhood. Even after falling ill almost three years ago, Marc made significant efforts to fundraise for our shul.

Marc was blessed with a pleasant voice and an excellent ear. As a child he sang in the London School of Jewish Song and in honour of BA's 60th anniversary in the UK, he helped put out (and sang on) a CD. This past Rosh Hashana he led Maariv on the second night, davening beautifully inspiring those present.

Marc was much more than just student of Judaism and an engaged member of the commmunity. I'm sure that both at the leviya today (at 5 PM in the Modiin cemetary) and over the course of the shiva, people will provide their perspectives of this most unique and special person.

יהי זכרו ברוך

To his wife Natalie, daughters, Yona and Maayan, parents, Henry and Sema and sister, Deborah ---
המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים

Self Gratification

2010-06-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as the haftara was being completed, the NF saw Shloime Baruch heading up to the shulchan to serve as chazzan for Musaf.

It was late --- given that it was Shabbat Rosh Hodesh --- and very stuffy in the kindergarten where the NF's shul davens. Right before תפילה לשלום המדינה a few people standing around the shulchan all whispered יעלה and סע to Shloime. (Translation: It's late...no nonsense please). So what did Shloime do? He starts a very schleppy Avinu Avinu and calls up the old choir from Yom Haatzmaut --- they even hummed Hatikva at the end while Shloime read the end of the tefilla prose style. Barf. Neither he nor the choir members noticed that most of the shul members were rolling their eyes or giggling.
Shloime has commited the shul crime of cantorial masturbation --- that is self gratification through the unwanted introduction of cantorial pieces into the davening. No one wanted to hear Avinu Avinu and certainly not with the choir. And that hatikva bit was completely uncalled for. The NF couldn't take it anymore....so when little NF #4 pooed himself (he's still in diapers), the NF volunteered to leave shul early to change him (Mrs. NF forgot to bring diapers). Mrs. NF stayed for musaf and reported that Shloime:
1. Schlepped through musaf (she thought it would never end)
2. Then turned around to the kahal at the end of davenign and asked for a cigarette.

When the NF got to mincha, he noticed that Shloime seemed to be having trouble seeing and his palms were getting a bit hairy....

The only positive takeaway from this whole experience is that Mrs NF has told the NF he can daven at the Neighborhood Hashkama minyan (the nicest minyan in town in my book --- not too rushed, ok singing etc) for the next few weeks.

Shavua tov,

the NF

Shavuot round-up and Parshat Naso

2010-05-23T04:48:00.000-07:00

There were three highlights to the NF's Shavuot:

1. My wife's cooking and specifically --- an incredibly good onion cheese quiche that found the perfect balance between savory and sweet as well as between creamy and flaky; and a grade A cheesecake that had a velvety texture, a custardy aftertaste and just the right hint of vanilla flavour. Both were very rewarding...but the NF digresses. (Can you tell that the NF really wanted to be a food critic?)

2. J's excellent arvit on Shavuot night and YS's excellent shacharit on shavuot monring. Friends, these guys know nusach. The Society of Nusach Freakhood is pleased to annouce that both J and YS are the winners of this month's highest Nusach honour: The Golden Shtender. Way to go gentlemen (and I use the term loosely).

3. Timmy went and asked the gonging gabbai of he could daven musaf on chag --- Unfortunetly the gonging gabbai didn't say no and Timmy proceeded to mumble through חזרת הש"ץ. Gong. and he faked the nusach badly. Gong.
While Timmy gave us his poor rendition, J, YS and the NF sat inventing new charade pantomimes for suicide. It was the third highlight of my chag. Pantomimes included:

shooting oneself in the temple
inserting a pistol in one's mouth and shooting.
Hanging oneself.
Opening a jar of pills, pouring out the entire contents into the other hand and swallowing
Slitting one's writs
Jumping out of a building
electrocuting oneself
inserting a stick of dynamite into one's mouth and setting off the charge
inserting a sword into one's stomach, samurai style
Turning on the gas oven and then inserting one's head.

Yes. Musaf was that bad.

Parshat Naso.

"H" Davened friday night..."H" Has a very very nice voice and is the chazzan in the NF's shul now and again (especially during the chagim). Yet he was super gonged firday night....he was schleppy and sang in a way so that no one could sing along and ----- he couldn't decide on a nusach --- he said כגוונא, then skipped ויצמח פורקניה before kaddish. After מגן אבות he said מזמור לדוד but then omitted ויצמח פורקניה in קדיש before ברכו. Gong Gong Gong.

Mendy davened musaf --- as he got up there, the NF was sure we were in for an avinu avinu followed by some idiotic melody for קדיש before musaf. But alas, Mendy davened really nicely with no shenanigans. Apparently, the Gonging Gabbai told him he had 10 minutes....Way to go Gonging Gabbai.

Dr. D spent shabbat at a hotel and called me this morning to let me know that he experienced (in his words) --- "Beating the crap out of the gong" after hearing a really terrible chazzan friday night. Interesting.

It has come to the NF's attention that Yoni R. posted a link to Nusach Freak in the comments section of the Life in Israel blog in response to a post mentioning the shul on the beach.

apparently, the rav of the aforementioned shul read my blog entry --- here are his comments:
that {} post is highly offensive, wildly inaccurate and shows such a small-minded attitude about Judaism.

Pathetic.

Le me respond by saying that the NF blog is satire --- the NF will often make use of the absurd (example: making kiddush on humus flavoured schnapps) as part of that satire --- the NF is not trying to be 100% accurate. If one doesn't appreciate satire in general or my joking about shul/nusach, there isn't much more I can say than Gong and we all give you the finger (so you can lein of course). However, it is never my intent to insult. So to anyone who may have been offended by my postings I say:
1. Please accept my apologies and
2. Please don't read my blog anymore.

Being a Zionist...

2010-04-18T03:05:00.000-07:00

...does not mean singing everything in the siddur to the melody of Hatikva.
Or so the NF thought until this past Shabbat.

Kabbalat Shabbat was led by Timmy --- who sang Lecha Dodi to Hatikva. Kitsch! The NF was not terribly bothered because I was deeply engrossed in a really interesting book recently purchased at the Mossad Harav Kook book sale. The NF's mother-in-law, spending shabbat with Mr. and Mrs. NF was not nearly as generous and grumbled all the way home that using Hatikva for Lecha Dodi was cheesy, kitschy and boring. (For those of you who know my very Israeli Mo in Law, you will recall that she worked for years in the Israeli ministry of tourism in various consular offices --- we suspect she was actually Mossad---...I didn't think anything in the world could be too cheesy or kitschy in her book.)

Shabbat morning, Shloime Baruch hastely put together a choir to sing Avinu Avinu with full choral accompaniment. Given that they had all of about 15 minutes to practice, it actually sounded allright (if a bit flat). You may recall that the NF is not opposed to singing Avinu Avinu the Shabbat before Yom Haatzmaut (and the first shabbat of a war*). However, for the second non-choral half of tefilla lshalom hamedina, Shloime read prose style while the choir hummed hatikva. Cheeeeeeesy. The NF almost barfed on his shoes.

Then at the end of musaf, someone thought it would be a good idea to sing Anim Zemirot to Hatikva. The NF really wanted to scream "Enough!" Instead of doing this cheesy, faux-zionist crap, how about finding ways to improve the country. Here are a few ways:
1. Introduce the concept of customer service,
2. Refrain from picking your nose in public
3. Stop peeing on the side of the road towards on-coming traffic.
4. Block the import of henna-hair colouring dyes/products so that the 99.9% of women over 59 in Israel who colour their hair will stop looking like Bozo the clown.
5. Teach people how to drive

Disgusted, the NF went home from shul and decided to show his family what true zionism really is by making kiddush on Hummus flavoured schnnaps.

-The NF

BTW, after hearing yet another part of davening sung to the melody of Hatikva, the Rishon Ltzion of Uruguay suggested that we sing Hatikva to the melody of Hava Nagila (try it --- it's much harder than you think).

* if a second war breaks out in the same calendar year, there is no need to sing Avinu Avinu again.

reaching new heights

2010-04-12T02:58:00.000-07:00

So Friday night, the gabbaim had the old guy who inspired the KTC post lead maariv (one of many Alvins ---as in Alvin and the Chipmunks --- led a satisfactory Kabbalat Shabbat).

This old guy has no business davening anywhere including the Jewish home for the deaf (as will be explained later) but for some reason, the gabbaim alwasys ask him when he makes an appearance in our little shul. So the old guy kept trying to do trills to embellish his already poor nusach but everytime he did, he flew off-key. During magen avot, two items of interest occured:
1. The old guy closed his eyes and sang --- (I'm being very generous when I call it that) --- Not reading from a siddur he finished off with the words "עם מדושני עונג". We then had an awkward 3-5 second period before everyone started yelling "זכר למעשה בראשית" at the old guy.
2. The NF noticed that somethign was happening to his digestive tract everytime the old guy opened his mouth. Indeed, the old guy's voice was so shrill, everytime he "sang", the NF could feel his intestinal villus vibrate uncomfortably. For the first time in the NF's life, a chazzan was so bad he interupted normal digestive function. Here we had a chazzan that would even be gonged by a deaf person.

Me thinks, that we have found a natural substitute for Ex-Lax. Yoni R., could you prepare the patent documentation?

the NF

Pesach

2010-04-08T04:43:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone is relieved that Pesach has passed...

For a number of highly technical reasons, the NF will not be posting on his Pesach experience.

Yoni R. did send me a very cute forward which makes reference to our favorite element of Pesach leining...

enjoy.

Shabbat Zachor

2010-03-01T01:53:00.000-08:00

Readers may recall that the NF is not all that fond of Purim or as the big Gong likes to say, "Anything that involves smiling". Now that is not completely fair --- It's not smiling and being happy that bothers the NF --- the NF doesn't like balagan and lack of decorum. I smile plenty on Tisha B'av.

Friday night, the gabbaim got a guy up there to daven knowing he would do silly schtick...
So the said chazan (not a usual mitpalel in the NF's shul) did Kabbalat Shabbat Carlebach style and I must say his grade for Kabbalat Shabbat (up to Lecha Dodi) was A+ for the simple reason that he flew --- none of that schleppy, eyes closed happy clappy spiritual stuff --- it seemed like the guy took "speed" before he started.
then things started breaking down:
1. Lecha Dodi --- to the melody of mishenichnas adar. It's not original. It doesn't fit that well and the chazzan couldn't figure out how often to do the high part.
2. After K'gavna (it was nusach sfarad), the chazzan went into the neigh neigh neighs of R"h and Y"k. The NF doesn't understand this one at all. what exactly is the connection between the yamim noraim and Shabbat Zachor. Was the chazzan trying to be mizalzel the yamim noraim or showing the importance of Shabbat Zachor. The answer: neither. He was trying to be cutsie/funny and failed miserably. If anyone can explain the "humour" of using the yamim noraim melody it would be much appreciated.
3. After Magen Avot, YS whispered to the NF --- "I bet the he's going to try a victory kaddish"...much to our surprise, the chazzan went into a normal kaddish --- that is until titkabel tzeloton where he started a yamim noraim melody --- see the NF's comment #2 above.
4. When he hit עושה שלום במרומיו he went into that classic Israeli 1970's melody that makes you think of the Israeli male of yore --- tight pants, open shirt (with a huge collar) showing an "Austin Powers" worthy set of chest hair, a large magen david or Chai medalion, a Hebrefro etc. Were it the case that the chazzan was trying to be funny, it would have been one thing ---- but I think this was his nusach. As the big Gong said (and I mean this as no offense to the non-heterosexuals in our readership): "That was really really gay."

Happily, the next day the Rishon Ltzion of Uruaguy davened Shacharit and J davened musaf with good old fashioned nusach and we didn't have to sing Avinu Avinu or any Broadway showtoons.

I'm disgusted

2010-02-18T01:41:00.000-08:00

This post has nothing to do with nusach, shul, singing avinu avinu, using silly Boradway melodies for kedusha or gonging. I'm writing this post not as the NF but as a simple Jew who has had enough of hearing how our religious "leaders" have once again been exposed as at best, morally deficient and at worst, frauds and charlatans.

Many of you may read blogs such as failed messiah, unorthodox jew and daas torah which document on a seemingly daily basis the expose of another misuse of power on the part of someone with the title "rabbi". No particular migzar (group) seems to be immune --- The Spinka Rebbe is in Jail for money laundering, there is last summer's raid on the Syrian community, "Mekubalim" are exposed as frauds now and again after promising to exorcise dibbuks or make sure your wish comes true --- of course if the check you have written is large enough....of course we have the Leib Tropper affair. There is the Washington Post story raising serious questions about the sofer claiming to sell "Holocaust" Torahs. Earlier this week you may have read about the "prominent NY chazzan" stealing tzedakka money from his mother in law (the Holocaust survivor). (I'm intentionally leaving out the links here ---- you can google any one of these items and get a plethora of hits.) (Please note that many of the stories above are alleged and some reflect situations where inidividuals plead guilty.)

However one recent news item has trully shaken my faith and trust in our religious leadership:
The Mordechai Elon affair. For years the Dati L'eumi community has looked to Rav Elon as one of our religious and educational leaders. I am generally not one to judge another person's behavior. When the story first broke, I immeadetly assumed that there had been some misunderstanding --- years ago Rav Aviner --- another leader was accused of sexual impropriety but his name was eventually cleared. But when Rav Aharon Lichtenstein goes on the reconrd stating exactly what had happened (and that he has recieved threatening messages), it's hard to be dan lkaf zechut. I have no idea is Rav Elon did anything wrong. But it is enough that there are claims against him and that Rav Lichtenstein (among others) is condemning him to shake my faith and trust in our leadership.
--- And if we cannot trust the Mordechai Elons of our community, what rabbanim can we trust?

Currently, my belief in the "Aseh l'cha Rav" system is 99% dead. All I see are rabbanim who mis-use psak or their leadership positions to gain power and control or wealth. With that in mind, I don't know who can be trusted anymore. How can I tell which rav is a liar?, which one is a theif?, which one is having an affair? and which one knows less halacha than me but bought his semicha online? If it weren't a practical impossibility, I would stop using hechsherim --- How is it that a rav that will lie and steal and shtup little boys is suddenly reliable to tell me that the chicken I'm buying at the supermarket is ok?

Praying for better times with more trustworthy leadership,

A simple Jew

Jerusalem- II

2010-02-08T04:23:00.000-08:00

Many readers will recall that last Spring, the NF and family spent shabbat in J-m at the bed and breakfast belonging to his in-laws. With the NF's in-laws visiting in Israel for a few weeks, the NF and family were summoned to again spend Shabbat in downtown Jerusalem. Happy Happy Joy Joy. The one saving grace of being in Merkaz Ha-ir for Shabbat is being able to go to the great synagogue and hearing some fine choir action....or so I thought. People watching can also be quite fun --- especially when Jesus shows up for Kabbalat Shabbat.

So the NF, the greater NF family (inlcuding Mrs. NF and the 4 little NFs) along with Dr and Mrs In-Laws made our way in the rain to the great synagogue for Kabbalat Shabbat. Since the NF was there last, Chaim Adler has replaced Naftali Hershtik as the Chazzan Rashi. ---- A summary of events:
1. Boring. was the same old Kabbalat Shabbat the NF would hear in his own shul only instead of Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks leading, we had a world class Chazzan.
2. there was hardly any interaction between Chazzan and Choir
3. Instead of an interesting Lecha Dodi, the chazzan picked one of the melodies taught to kids in pre-school. The choir didn't sing along.
4. The Chazzan then went into a serious, heavy and elongated cantorial piece for Bameh Madlikin (of all things)---- he got very emotional when repeating ורבי יוסי פוטר בכולן חוץ מן הפתילה מפני שהוא עושה פחם over and over again. I know we are facing issues with fossil fuels but there is no reason to cry over the פתילה.
4. In the middle of a Hashkivenu, little NF (#2) whispered to me that he wanted to make a deposit in the country's manure reserves and that pretty much ended davening for me.

All in, the choir was disappaointing and didn't mesh well with the chazzan.

In other news, Ari J sent this interesting link on a tone deaf Sephardi Chazzan at S&P in NY.

Shavua Tov,

The NF

Shabbat in Herziliya

2010-01-31T05:57:00.000-08:00

The NF's in-laws are currently in the Holyland and the decision was made that we would all (the in-laws, Mr and Mrs NF and the 4 little NFs) go to a hotel in Herziliya for Shabbat. Let me just say that a good time was had by all (the company was good, the food was excellent and getting away now and again is always kind of fun) even if little NF #2 woke everyone up on Shabbat morning at 4:15 AM and even if davening in hotels is the absolute pits....

Let us dwell on this last point for just a moment ---

Davening in hotels sucks. Why? the possibilities:
1. There is a chazzan way past his prime who thinks people have come to the hotel just to hear him belt a few out.
2. There is no chazzan or baal koreh or anyone else who can read Hebrew so when the mashgiach asks in (the middle of dinner of course) "who wants to lein tomorrow?", the old wifee says, "the NF loves to lein" --- and it turns out to be Parshat Ki Tavoh....(this happened once)
3. The minyan is made up of you and 9 guys who look like they are taxi drivers: Jeans (with wallet bulging out), overly tight fake armani t-shirt, a lot of cologne, lots of gold necklaces, sunglasses on top of their heads, and a little "pyramid" kippah floating somewhere above their shaved or highly jelled hair. (we'll have to have a post about these guys one of these days). These guys are not shomer shabbat but when it comes to Friday night davening, there is nothing holier. Of course, they are unwilling to be the chazzan so you must do it in your traditional Ashkenazi way....
Failure to read all of Shir Hashirim or sing the one melody they know for Lecha Dodi gets you dirty looks, lots of jeering and if you need to call a taxi Motza"sh you just know you are in trouble...
4. Everyone there but you is tone deaf. Trying to sing anything results in a cacophany of sound that makes Mother's milk turn sour and causes diahrrea.

So The NF and his father in law go to shul Friday everning and find all three of the four conditions are met.
An 88 -year old chazzan honored us with his rendition of Kabbalt Shabbat. (there was a baal koreh!), the minyan was largely made up of Taxi drivers and no could sing to save their lives.

On the positive side, davening in a hotel gives those that want to practice their chazzunus abilities an opprtunity to completly stink without risking a gonging....you want to sing Kedusha to SuperFragilisticallyExpeadlodocious? --- here is your opportunity. Think that amazing grace fits nicely for Kel Ha-adon?....go head -- have fun.

So the NF ended up doing shacharit and yes, I tested out a few melodies --- specifically --- Kol Mikadesh Shvii for Kedusha --- it worked well although you must start very very low and you must repeat words....
the old chazzan running the show (who I later heard tell someone that he had foregotten to put in his hearing aids before shabbat) came over to the NF right before Chazarat Hashat"z when the NF went to wash his hands (I'm of priestly stock) and a) told me that he liked my nusach/davening and b) asked if I was from Czechslovakia?

Uh. thanks and no.

Getting back home last night, Yoni R. told me I had missed some fine gonging...
The NF contacted the gonging Gabbai and the big Gong to find out that Shloime Baruch sang avinu avinu (but of course he did -- Is the pope catholic? Does the litvak follow the chumrah? Does cholent cause golbal warming?) and he sang Keter to the melody "Memories" from Cats. That is so wrong.

Shavua Tov.

The NF

A guest blog

2010-01-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

The NF's introduction to this week's guest blog written by The Big Gong:
Roughly three weeks ago, the gongoing gabbai showed tremendous levels of hishtadlus and put the yodeller up to daven musaf knowing full well that:
1. the yodeller would sing avinu avinu (and badly)
2. the yodeller would probably yodle kedusha like he did on y"k
3. The NF would be forced to bring out the gong and then write about it on the blog.

Actual results:
1. the yodeller did sing avinu avinu leading a number of people in the shul to vomit on their shoes.
2. Kedusha was indeed yodelled as it was on Y"k. At the time the Yodeller did this, the shul was hosting a number of prospective gerim/chayilim from the Netiv program many enjoying thier first ever experience in a shul. Let's just say that the Yodeller succeeded in discouraging gerut in a way that would make Shulchan Aruch proud.
3. Unlike Y"k the NF --- standing next to the Big Gong ---- did not laugh/cry. I was shocked and stunned that someone could so horribly mangle the davening. The NF had absolutely no idea what I could say about this experience. So the NF asked the big Gong if he would like to guest blog.
4. It took much prodding to get the the Big Gong to finish his writing....but folks here it is....
________________________________________________
I was honoured when the Freak asked if I'd write a guest piece for the now famous blog. This request came some weeks ago, and I now find myself sleepless and on an aeroplane, with nothing better to do, so here goes.

As one of our good books says, 'potchim bichvod ha'achsania'. I suppose that's the Freak.

Ashreinu that he's torn down barriers I never knew could be torn down. Never before did I realise that it could be entirely appropriate to wet oneself during a mussaf kedusha, and yet that's almost happened on several occasions.

At least in the shul I grew up in, and I don't suppose it's especially unusual amongst modern orthodox institutions in chu'l, things like the Tefila l'shalom ha'medina are said with more kavana by the tzibbur than Kol Nidrei or Unetana Tokef. And yet, just this last week, I found myself in pieces as a now timeless rendition of 'Avinu Avinu' was belted out by an otherwise passable baal tefilla. It was special not only because the Freak called it the night before, but because it was executed so badly the fellow lost his place half way through. Even our yodelling friend never got it that wrong.
This post would be incomplete without expressing my profound and personal thanks to the Freak for an act of sublime chesed recently performed for my benefit.
I had a bad cold (man flu - nearly fatal don't you know). I was asked to daven shacharit. I said yes. I don't claim or pretend to have a good voice. I can probably hold some tunes, and I'd like to think I know my limitations - ie I try to get it done quickly and passably. It got to Kel Adon. Normally I'd churn out some Carlebach something - perhaps to 'shomrim hafkid' or similar (don't they all sound the same?), but this time I went for my favourite - and if you've never heard Ehud Banai sing it, you must. Unfortunately with mutilated sinuses (sinii?), I started at a key so low, the only things capable of joining in were manatees and certain species of wild dogs. One stanza in, I'm enjoying myself, and with ears equally blocked, I was blissfully unaware of the pain being felt around the room as the low wave frequencies started interfering with the workings of people's bowels.
From the corner of my eye, I saw some sort of interchange between the Freak and the Gonging Gabbai, and before I knew it, the Freak was leading the rest of the piyut in a key several scales higher. The congregation and I were reunited.
Now you probably couldn't get away with doing that in many shuls, but it's certainly a measure of something good that it can happen in our shul.

Now for something a little more serious to think about: The Big Gong and his long suffering wife had the pleasure of lunch chez Mr + Mrs Freak. Lunch was excellent, and dessert was even better. After lunch, the Freak and I were killing time until the children got particularly out of hand and we could sneak off to mincha. A measure of the Freak's modernity is that he was washing up whilst Mrs Freak was lording it in the garden with Mrs Big Gong.

Of the many things we discussed, we talked about nusach. Now I may not be able warble away like Hershtik, Helfgott or Haschel (trying saying those three names when you've drunk too much Slivovitz), but I do have a good understanding of the structure of prayer, what we say when, and what tunes fit with the moment and are generally acceptable - at least according to the venerable 'Blue Book'.

This is simply because I grew up in a proper shul with a proper chazan, and with a congregation that actually got upset if the Pesach yigdal was sung instead of the Shavuot yigdal, or if the shaliach tzibbur fluffed a 'someich noflim' or an 'Avraham yagel' during shabbat mincha.

And you know what, as ridiculous as it may sound, my love for 'organised prayer', my spiritual connection to certain times of the year and certain tefillot, is so much stronger because of this experience during my formative years.

And then I think about our kids. They'll grow up davening in a shuk, where you can only buy fruit in sealed paper bags, and you won't know what you've bought until you open the bag. Sometimes the oranges will be nice, other times the apples won't be. Sometimes they'll get something out of davening, and other times they'll be wetting themselves during kedusha, when let's be honest, they really shouldn't.

So my view, for whatever it may be worth, is that the shul should have a defined nusach (and not just the nusach of the person at the amud), and possibly even some preferred tunes. I appreciate that it's difficult when the 'mob' tend to daven one nusach, and the vast majority of the quality baalei tefilla daven another, but you get my point.

One of the many things communities are built on are the songs we sing together, and I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness that my kids are unlikely to feel those same moments of connection when they hear a particular tune that I always will.

What do you think?

Oh, all right.

2009-12-17T05:47:00.000-08:00

Although the NF put the blog in "suspended" mode just a 11 days ago, just too much happened last Shabbat to not post.

First things first, a number of you contacted the NF directly following the "suspension" annoucnement to express their shock and let me know the NF had your support. Example:

----Original Message-----
From: ****** R
Sent: Sunday, December 06, 2009 1:42 PM
To: The NF
Subject: RE: New post --- the blog is being put into suspended mode

>My life officially has no meaning from this point forward.

----

The NF is touched. really.

Dictatorships
The gonging gabbai asked the NF to lead kabalat shabbat this past week. Now the NF is not a fan of using the Maoz Tzur melody for L'cha Dodi on Shabbat Chanuka --- we sing the song enough over the 8 days that it doesn't have to be used for yet another thing. And it's kitsch. (The NF was irritated last year when some guy threw it into kedusha on shabbat chanuka - it didn't fit resulting in a gong). Yet, the NF recognizes that a good chazan/baal tefilla jas to be a "benevolent dictator" as an American friend, MMD, likes to say. What do I mean? A creative chazzan can mix things up a bit (and generally do what he wants to do) as long as he doesn't piss the kahal off by using the wrong melody instead of what they are expecting - even if he (strongly) dislikes the melody. (The NF is not talking about the integrity of so called "mi-sinai" melodies - like Kol Nidrei, chatzi kaddish before musaf on r"h & y"k, tal & geshem --failure to use those melodies results in harsh punishements such as cleaning out the filters at the mikveh right afetr the whole community has dipped erev y"k).

For example, the NF hates the Israeli melody for Ki hinei kachomer (from Y"k night)...but the NF knows that should he introduce a different melody, he'll piss off the kahal. So I use the annoying melody.
The NF has davened in shuls where the baal tefilla is not a benevolent dictator and does something to piss the kahal off; the kahal usually "punishes" the chazan by a) not singing along for anything and b) making sure the said chazan is never again asked to lead anything other than mincha on R"h.

So the NF felt -- although he didn't like it --- he HAD to use the maoz tzur melody for lecha dodi. I did get dirty looks from both YS and Dr. D, physician. I suppose using Maoz Tsur is better than using "I had a little dreidel" or "I've been dreaming of a White Christmas"

Kibud or Right
Just after the gonging gabbai asked the NF to daven, the NF noticed a guest walk in--- but not just a regular guest - a father of a shul member who fancies himself to be quite the baal tefilla. In fact this guest was the inspiration behind the KTC post. Half-jokingly, I asked the gonging gabbai if he wouldn't prefer to have this guest daven. The Gonging Gabbai (GG) then remembered that this guest's child had asked if the guest could lead kabalat Shabbat. GG went over to confirm that he wanted to daven...the response: "Machar(tomorrow)-Shacharit" as if it were obvious that it would be a big treat to have him lead.

So the guy starts shacharit the next morning sounding like a dying cat and then suddenly in the middle of birchat kriat shmaa he stops and points to his throat and walks away from the shtender. The entire shul let out a sigh of relief but not for long....

the GG (who still hasn't davened since finishing aveilut) decided he would continue as chazan but as he neared the shtender, Timmy, the baal habus who wrecked Maariv the first night of R"h decided that he hadn't davened in a while, rushed to the shtender and effectivly shoved the GG aside. Timmy's Hallel was bad. very bad. Example: He started the neigh neigh neigh's going into ana Hashem Hoshiya nah in a pitch that only dogs can hear....and then he went very flat when the neigh neighs finished.

The NF doesn't get it --- serving as a chazan on Shabbatot and of course special shabbatot and chagim is a kibud, not a right. I'm not sure where people --- especially the tonedeaf and castrati amongst us --- get a sense of entitlement from.

Repeating words
The NF is kind of indifferent to the issue of repeating words....yeah, I know that there are tons of rabbanim that are very against it, but a) The Abeshter, in His all-knowing way, should be able to figure out what you are trying to say even if you do repeat a word or two and b) At least in Israel it's become pretty mekubal to have some limited repeating of words....in summary it doesn't bother me all that much.

So Shloime Baruch davens Musaf. His grade: C-
1. It was getting late already and he sang Avinu Shebashayim. Gong
2. His Birchat Hachodesh was really boring. He used the melody for Sheyibaneh Beit Hmikdash but never did the high part. He forgot to wait for the GG to announce the molad... Gong x 3
3. And then we had his kedusha....Shloime has a really nice voice but he doesn;t like to shake it up....he always does a chazzunus bit going into Aye Mikom K'vodo...Knowing this, the NF suggested to a few guys sitting with the NF ("J", Dr. D, etc that we count how many times he repeats) Unfortunetly we were all counting different words....the NF counted 11 k'vodos, J counted 14 malehs and Dr. D pointed out two l'haritsos...Even though the NF is not bothered by repeating words, this is just too much and once again, the Abeshter sent down a bat kol that he would be exiting the olam for a while. Please note, He hasn't done this since Parshat Zachor last year. Gongs x 26

It's good to be back after that 11 day hiatus....

The NF

Has it come to this?

2009-12-06T03:25:00.000-08:00

After dropping off the little NFs at their respective schools and ganim on Friday morning, the NF turned on the radio to the car to reshet gimmel (All Israeli music, all the time). Being that this past shabbat was the 108th anniversary of the birth of Walt Disney, the DJ decided to precede the usual Friday morning hit parade of Mediterranean music (read: Tchach-tchach music) with a Disney hits translated into Hebrew....first up: It's a small world after all -זה עולם קטן מאוד. So the NF thinks to himself, boy, that would be inappropriate to use during davening ---with a 4/4 beat, I bet it fits to El Ha-adon. It does!!!! So then the NF decided to see if it could fit for kedusha of musaf --- it fits beautifully for Kvodo and Mimkomo! Please note that the next song --- when you wish upon a star --- didn't seem to fit to anything in the Jewish liturgy.

After shul Friday night, the Big Gong approached the NF and said, "I think it may be time to shut down the blog". You see the gonging gabbai asked the yodeling guy who had made the NF cry on Y"k to daven friday night. With bated breath the kahal waited for something special and we got.....nothing. zippo. efes. nada. bubkis. The guy gave us a plain vanilla textbook maariv (a kid had led kabbalat shabbat in the fine tradition of Alvin and the Chipmunks). I really can't disagree with the Big Gong on this one....week in and week out no material makes itself available to the NF --- even old dependable sources such as Yankel & the Yodeler have not come through for us. Thus, the blog will be on "suspended mode" until further notice.

Signing off for the time being....

the NF

I haven't posted in a while...

2009-11-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

...a) I've been busy (especially with the Sefer Torah) and b) I keep waiting for material. Since the chagim ended really nothing of nusach note-worthiness has come up in the NF's shul. This is kind of shocking because there have been a few bar mitzvah's in the NF's shul in the last 6 weeks including Yankel's son --- the NF was sure we were going to get some material but no! Each bar mitzvah has been more normal than the next.

The Gonging Gabbai claims that the lack of gongable material is because he is running such a tight ship. Don't know. What I can tell you is that the Gonging Gabbai, fresh out of aveilut, has declined to lead davening for fear of being gonged. wuss.

Sure there have been little things that have come up ---
1. The guy who davened geshem on S"T asked me what I thought of pouring water on the Shat"z when he hits משיב הרוח ומוריד הגשם. The NF's opinion: Stupid and un-original. (We should be able to come up with much more amusing things -- like filling the Kohanim's shoes with Peanut Butter during Birkat Kohanim of Shacharit) But when I heard that there were those that were opposed to it because the shat"z's talit might get wet and he might come to do s'chita (more likely is that he'll take out a gun and shoot the guy who got his heavy -- and now very smelly - wool talit wet), the NF realized that people really need to eat more whole wheat challah to help get the religious sticks out of their behinds.
2. The guy who did birkat hachodesh for kislev didn't use any chanukah related melodies for יחדשיהו. That deserves a mini-gong.

So shul has recently been - Yawn - boring. We need someone to come in and try singing kedusha to amazing grace or adon alom to Bizet (oh, yeah that has been done). The NF calls on each and everyone of you to go out there and do something assinine in shul. If we don't act know, the holy mesorah of the gong will be lost to future generations.

Tizku l'mitzvot.

The NF

ahhh Cheshvan...

2009-10-26T07:06:00.000-07:00

...Nothing too significant has been happening in shul since the end of the chagim. For lack of better material, the NF is putting up a picture of this week's parsha, Lech Lecha, from the sefer torah (I'm actually in the middle of Lech Lecha)...Notice, the tagin have still not been added.

Peace-

The NF

The NF hates Simchat Torah

2009-10-10T12:23:00.001-07:00

....If I have to explain why then you wouldn't understand in the first place.

Let me just say that the NF perfect solution to S"T is to go to the local hashkama minyan. We started at 6:00 am and were done by 8:20 (For all you folk in chu"l that includes yizkor and geshem as well). Roughly 100 people came. (another perfect solution would be to celbrate S"t in an old age home preferably in a ward where most of the patients are comatose).
The Big Gong, sitting next to the NF, noticed that the NF was thoroughly enjoying himself at the hashkama minyan. The NF's response: "I just saw another five people come into shul. Just seeing how many people hate S"T makes the NF happy."

For Hakafot, we walked around the bima 7 times and everyone there smiled and said: "This is the way it's supposed to be."

Unfortunetly, the NF's wife and kids throught it would be a good idea for the NF to take them to the main minyan for hakafot. Pain and agony. And boredom and many many Jewish men walking around and around in a circle doing the "We are Jewish, this is how we dance" dance for hours while singing really horrible songs. And of course as things dies down there is always some A**-h*le that decides he needs to start another song even though most people would prefer having an enema rather than continue with hakafot. I don't want to go into the damage done to sifrei torah on S"T....

At least there is a movement gaining ground (at least here in the Holyland) which recognizes that S"T sucks. Tzohar published an interesting article looking for ways to modify the stupid minhag of having everyone get an aliya on S"T. And hashkama minyanim seem to be more and more popular every year.

The NF is currently looking forward to the month of Cheshvan

A Yom Kippur of tears...

2009-09-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

...no, the NF has not gone soft --- I laughed so hard during mincha I started crying....more on that later.

Hope everyone had an easy fast.
First things first, the NF would like to thank Yosef Shmuel and Big M Halevi for all their help --- as I mentioned in an earlier post the NF developed a bad case of laryngitis over R"h -- -as the NF was scheduled to lead Kol Nidrei, you can say I was a bit stressed as the NF's voice remained rather grainy and low all week. Motza"sh, Big M and Yosef Shmuel came over to the NF's house and went over the davening (to know where to provide support) and even added some nice three part harmonies for a few bits. Kol Nidrei went off without a hitch --- a big success was Big M's suggestion of singing a three part harmony for V'nislach (after kol nidrei) to the melody of Bshem Hashem (Carlebach). It was a huge hit and the kahal started singing along.
Melody selection:
Yaaleh -- Vlirushalim ircha
Slach nach - Lmaan achai vrai
Omnom Ken - Ein Aroch
Ki Hinei - the annoying Israeli melody.

We also sang two smashing renditions of mochel avonot.

The big Gong told the NF that he was trying to look for something to gong and couldn't find anthing. Dr. D, physician, new to the neighborhood and fresh off the boat from London, half gonged the NF because the NF repeated words in Haneshama Lach. Hey Dr. D --- wait 'til your debut here in the 'hood...

J, always being sensitive to women's needs suggested that the NF and the rest of the chevra go to daven at a vatikin minyan in the neighbordhood so that a) we could provide suitable support for our wives or b) allow our wives to go to shul without any children bothering them. The vatikin minyan was pretty good (4:45 AM --- home by 9:45 AM) alhtough baal musaf didn;t have much of a voice and his melody selection was horrendous. Adding insult to injury was that he didn't know the nusach for the avoda --- then someone told a really rude joke and the avoda was finished from my perspective...but at least I didn't cry...

The NF played with his kids from 10:00 until 3:30 and then headed back to shul....the guy who davened mincha used a weird melody for kedusha that involved loud bellowing (sort of sfardi yodeling) and even when he kept flying waaaaaaaaaay off key he kept going. The NF looked at one guy who then looked at another guy, who looked at J who looked to the gonging gabbai who looked to the big Gong and then we all started laughing and then we couldn't stop....literally, tears were pouring down our cheeks and the NF was biting his lip hard to try to stop. It was the most extreme example of KTC I have ever heard. Awooooooooooooooooooooo! Super Double Gong with a "give me the finger" on top.

Yosef Shmuel davened Neila beautifully --- as always it was the perfect way to finish yom kippur.

Getting ready for Y"k - Just in from the big Gong (an avid NF reader)

2009-09-23T02:02:00.001-07:00

R"h

2009-09-21T00:38:00.000-07:00

The NF hopes that where ever you were over R"h, very few gongs were given out.

In the minyan where the NF davened, with only one exception the davening was excellent. A special shkoyach (BTW, the NF is thinking that we need to develop an award for fine davening that will be the opposite of the gong) to "J" whose musaf on the second day was beyond superb.

The only real downer was kabbalat shabbat/Aarvit the first night. The NF is not quite sure why the gabbaim asked the said "baal habus" to daven but it was horrible. The NF's shul is nusach achid which means that the chazzan gets to decide if the davening will be sfard, ashkenaz, karraite, tzeduki etc....this particular guy followed nusach sfard which meant that we sang the first and last two stanzas of lecha dodi...In Yamim Noraim davening there are a number of wondeful "marches" that can be used for piyutim such a melech elyon, imru leylokim. These marches all fit to lecha dodi. Alternativly, the Carlebach vyetayu (Lshana haba) fits very nicely to lecha dodi. So this guy decides to use the melody from Shanah Halcha, Shanah baah , a secular pre-school song. Adding insult to injury was the fact that it didn't fit. Gong

There was then a short dvar torah until tzeit hakochavim....Then the baal habus starts the ayy yay yays leading in to Borchu while sauntering up to the amud. Anyone who has ever davened maariv on R"h or Y"k knows you need to be very careful when selectign the pitch because of the wide range of notes in the melody. This guy paid no attention and started very high....when he realized he couldn't hit the high notes in the melody he simply changed the nusach....Gong.

People literally walked out of shul shaing their heads. the NF is not very chassidish but there is a chassidish concept that the first night of RH is "coronation night". One would think that you would try to have something regal to set the tone for the evening and start the chagim off right...what we experienced was more like a court jester trying to do stand up bs for the emperor.

The second night, "SE", slowly recovering from very serious health problems davened maariv. The chevra in our shul were so happy to see "SE" in shul AND leading davening that "SE" could have led maariv to the melody of "when I think of you I touch myself" and we would have given him a heart shkoyach. In fact "SE" davened beautifully using the correct nusach. Sh'tizkeh lshanim rabot tovot u'briot!

The NF leined first day....originally the NF was supposed to daven shacharit second day but about 4 weeks ago, Shloime Baruch asked to be added to the rota --- to make room, the NF offered not to daven. Shloime davened really nicely....hashgacha pratit becasue the NF developed a throat cold on 1st day afternoon and now has a very mild case of laryngitis....The NF is supposed to lead kol nidrei next week....we'll have to see how the rest of the week goes.

Of final note, Cantor Sherwood Goffin of the Belz school of music and of Wink and Stare synagogue published two interesting articles on R"h/Y"k nusach and the use of niggunim in davening....the articles can be found here and here.

Gmar Chatima Tovah -

the NF

Selichot

2009-09-15T02:05:00.000-07:00

While still a bachelor in the late 1990s, I lived on the UWS in Manhattan. My second year there, I went to the first Selichot at OZ, that bastion of Modern Orthodox spirituality. During Shma Kolenu, a few guys started spreading the message that after selichot a bunch of people would be meeting up at some bar in the 90s. Needless to say, the NF did not go. However, a good friend of my flatmate did go and gave us an update the following day. About 50 Ortho singles piled into this bar, started having drinks and eventually started booging on the dance floor. While dancing with a few UWS maidelach, one guy yelled out:

"This is the best Selichot I have ever been to!"

For the past few years, the NF and a good friend have gone to hear a chazzan and choir on the first night of selichot. More on why a bit later...

So most years we have tried to hear Chaim Lazer Hershtik accompanied by his son's awesome choir. It's sort of chazzanut-light and the choir was trully outstanding.

Unforetunetly, Chaim Lazer was not leading selichot anywhere this year so my buddy and I went to hear Shlomo Glick accompanied by the Yuval choir. All in all they were excellent.

Highlights:

1. The pre-selichot kaddish --- one of the best renditions I have ever heard. The interplay between chazzan and choir was outstanding, especially from yitbarach where the entire arrangement sounded like polyphany.

2. "צדק ומשפט" right before Haneshama Lach

3. Lshmoa El HaRina (Rosenblatt)

4. Machnisei Rachamim

Things the NF could have done with out

1. The guys behind me talking through out. If you show up to this kind of selichot, you know what you are getting yourself into. Now shut up so you don't disturbe the others around you.

2. The fact that Shlomo mixed and matched three different accents --- sometimes in the same section of selichot. (Ex: Ashrai yoshrai vesecha, followed by Potayach et yadecha, followed by meata vad oylam...). Pick a style and go with it. Shlomo clearly doesn't read NF.

3. Singing Haneshama Lach to the Carlebach melody. Don't get me wrong, it is a great melody which the NF has used and will be using again this year in Kol Nidrei selichot. But in a chazzanut context it doesn't work and it seems like the chazzan is just pimping to the kahal something they will recognize. Hello Mr. Chazan!, you have 1000 people who eagerly came to hear your nusach...

4. A very shleppy Anneinu at the end of selichot.

5. Having a professional chazzan mess up the victory kaddish and say l'ayla l'ayla. Super huge Gong.

The NF wonders why the chazzanim and accompanying choirs don't sing the English mochel avonot...

All in all, an excellent davening --- I'd go back and here Shlomo daven again next year.

Now a word on why I do go hear a chazan and choir for the first night and why the NF has such trouble with selichot after that.

Certain aspects of the liturgy (Ashkenazi & Sephardi) are sometimes hard to digest. The NF has particular trouble with Hoshanot, Kinot and Selichot. See the common denominator? Poems written in arachaic Hebrew meant to elicit a certain feeling from the reader (particularly Kinot and Selichot). Kinot are only said for a period of a few hours on Tisha B'av morning and in many Mod Ortho communities, rather than mumbling their way through them, explainations for the various kinot are given. When he still lived in NY, The NF used to go to S&P (where all the kinot are sung) and listen to the beautiful melodies (all rather somber) while reading a jewish history book --- listening to kinot was really a good way to get a feeling for what the day is all about. Also the kiddush at the end of Shacharit was really good (Spanish ham and port). In short, treating kinot as an experience gave the liturgy AND the day meaning.

Going to a big Motzash selichot is an experience --- you hear that first line of the pre-Musaf kaddish and you really feel R"h is coming. And just like when you leave any good concert, you feel uplifted....

Unfortunetly, selichot are said for a lot longer than just one day...It appears to me that the piyutim found in selichot were developed to create a context to say the 13 midot and viduy. (A fantastic explaination of the 13 midot's improtance and why we say them can be found here.) That's all good and well except understanding those piytim is nearly impossible especially while mumbling them at 5:00 AM or whenever you get to say selichot. The NF simply doesn't get how people get up every morning to go and mumble something they don't understand....Does the selichot sayer:

feel that mumbling is a good kapara for all those nasty things he did over the course of the year? (BTW, I know what you did with that sheep --- yeah, I'm talking to you --- and although I try not to judge, you should be ashamed of yourself)
believe he is now a better person by mumbling?

Don't get me wrong, the NF doesn't mean to put down daily selichot sayers --- the NF just doesn't get it --- The NF actually admirers people that go to selichot and feel they get something out of it...

Before you get to excited about that last statement the readers should know that the NF is also impressed by people that:

rock back and forth during seudah shlishit (if and when singing), eyes shut tight with a constipated look on their faces. (When the NF does this, he feels dizzy, feels he wants to let off some post-cholent steam and with eyes shut tight starts thinking about really awful dirty jokes to tell after Maariv)
can teach their 3-5 old sons to pee IN the toilet! (The NF has been unable to teach little-NF --- age 5 --- that peeing is not like horseshoes and handgrenades --- almost does not count)
can play the bagpipes

The NF would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone out there who he may have offended by way of the blog at some point over the year. If the NF has not offended you then he'll have to try harder next year.

Ktiva V'chatima Tovah

the NF

A technical question

2009-09-14T01:34:00.000-07:00

The NF has recieved a technical question from a reader:

What is the correct nusach for mincha on Rosh Hashana?

This is indeed an interesting question. Being that the NF wouldn't want to mislead the readers of the blog given that different nusach traditions have been transmitted over the years, the NF spoke to two good friends (one South African and one English) -- both well trained baalei tefilla --- to see what they were taught.

The NF was taught that ashrei, uva ltzition and kaddish are said in the Shabbat mincha nusach, the beginning of chazarat hashatz is said in weekday nusach (or shabbat mincha if that is your minhag) and then you switch over to R"h nusach at Yimloch. I was taught NOT to sing the end of avinu malkeinu nor to do the victory kaddish at the end for the simple reason that it is pas nicht. My two buddies confirmed that they were taught the same.

The NF has noticed in recent years that the guy who davens mincha on R"h is often a wannabe chazzan. When he gets up there to daven mincha, it is his chance to show the gabbaim that they made a serious mistake in not asking him to daven musaf on R"h/Y"k and for that matter, naming him Chazzan for life. So the guy - often tone deaf and with no sense of nusach --- will start ashrei as if he is leading selichot at the great synagogue, will look confused during uva lztion, and will then give a, ahem, most interestign rendition of the pre-musaf kaddish.

A full dose of avot is then given (usually with a few ay yay yay yays leading into "Baruch"), followed by a full choral mekhalkel chaim b-hesed. All of this is down in an off-key manner as was down in the Beit Hamikdash. The guy is usually stuck for kedusha so he either goes to shabbat or weekday nusach although I heard one guy try to use the musaf kedusha nusach (kevodo, ahhh, ahhhhh etc) --- it doesn't work. It goes without saying that an off-key version of the victory kaddish is performed at the end of mincha. I don't want to say that this is incorrect nusach --maybe this is a valid minhag in some cruel horrible parallel universe--- it just doesn't seem to fit and hearing this sort of mincha makes the NF cringe.

More than anythign else, the victory kaddish at the end of mincha seems really wrong. It's sort of like putting on a full chef's outfit to make a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. It's sort of like expecting rave reviews from the wife on a gourmet supper after making an omelot (especially without any special additions such as onions, mushrooms etc). It's sort of like coming out of the dugout for an encore/standing ovation after hitting a sacrifice fly to left field to move the runner from 1st to 2nd. It's sort of like getting invited in for a night cap at the end of a mediocre first date (in the goyish world of course, lhavdil) -- not that the NF would know from such things. The NF never had mediocre first dates. :) Gong!

The NF will be posting later on his Motzash Selichot experience of hearing Chazan Shlomo Glick and the Yuval choir at Dovev Oz in Ramat Gan and why the NF has trouble going to selichot after the first night.

new terminology

2009-08-30T03:09:00.000-07:00

Folks -
While sitting through a very miserable shacharit yesterday, I realized that it was time to introduce a new terminology/concept to the NusachFreak blog. I'm sure all you readers are now very familiar with the gong. Well today, I'd like to introduce the concept of KTC.

A bit of background: My father, Avi Mori, (who should only be well) decided in early middle age that he always really wanted to be a cellist (after having already been trained as a pianist). Let's just say he is no Yo Yo Ma. Fo years, my father has awoken early in the morning to retire to a back bedroom in the house and practice his beloved cello. For anyone awake at that hour and has heard his cello playing, the phrase KTC or killing the cat will come to mind. His playing is a cross between the sound a cat would make while in heat and the sound a cat would make while slowing being tortured.

As I mentioned above, yesterday's shacharit made me think of ktc. The chazzan's nusach wasn't too bad, his singing was. For some reason, everything came out very shrill and pained. Then during kedusha, someone with an equally irritating nd shrill voice started singing along leading to a duet of ktc. Meeeeeeeeeeeeow.

In a more humorous vein:
The gabbai of our shul doesn't speak much English. Pticha was given to a recent anglo oleh --- while the Torah was being taken out of the aron, the gabbai realized that the yad (called an Etzbah in Israel) was not hanging on the Torah. So the gabbai turns to the recent oleh and say, The finger, give me the finger!!!! Awesome.

Shavua tov,

the NF

Shabbat in Venice, CA

2009-08-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

As noted in my last blog, we just spent the last 2 weeks in chul visiting family. Last shabbat found us visiting the NF's wife's family in Venice, CA home to the weirdest shul in the world.

A quick clarification: in my last blog I described a woman rollerblading into shul during musaf wearing a bikini. This did in fact happen a number of years ago but the woman was not the rebbetzin.

All the way to shul Shabbat morning, my father in law kept asking me if I wanted to daven...I didn't because I wanted serious material for the blog. The sacrifices I make for you, the nusachfreak readers.

Shul was everything I was hoping for and more:
1. During psukei dezimra, three different gabbaim gave out shacharit to three different people. It was amusing to watch three guys head up to the shtender all at once until the Rav declared that he himself would daven. Shacharit itself was actually pretty good nusach wise although the Rav used a melody for kedusah that no one other than maybe the rav's great grandfather would have recognized. Akward! But melody selection has been discussed before....and now we have more amusing things to discuss.
2. The Torah was taken out and then the fun began. There was a bar mitzvah...and as I saw the bar mitzvah boy get up there to lein, I knew we would be in for some fine gonging.
3. The Rav first announced that he and only he would be allowed to correct the bar mitzvah boy. When the rav has to make such an announcement, it is usually indicative that the boy shares something in common with most college football players--- he doesn't know how to read.
4. the rav then announced that the boy comes from a Levitical family and that because there were soooo many Levites in the room, they would be using the halacha that one can continue to call up Leviim for shlishi, revii, chamishi as long as you have not called up a yisrael yet. I had never heard of this but who cares because when it came time to call up shlishi, the gabbai messed up and called up a yisrael. Doh!!!
5. the bar mitzvah boy couldn't read. There was not a pasuk without a grammatical or serious trop error. Gong. However, given the poor reading, I was thinking that we were dealing with a public school kid who was doing his best. I asked the NF's shver where this kid went to school. "Oh him?, he goes to ____ Academy, the largest Ortho day school in the area." Gong. Yaamod ____ the son of disappointed parents, Maftir.
6. They called the Rav to the Torah for Shishi. As only he could correct the bar mitzvah, he slowed the bar mitzvah boy down so that the rabbi could eye-scan a pasuk from a chumash, have the boy misread it and then correct him. It was a long aliyah. Gong.
7. When it came time to call the bar mitzvah boy to the Torah for maftir, the gabbai thought he would do a rendition of yaamod, yaamod etc. except the gabbai couldn't sing. The yaamod came out to the melody of the howdy doodie show. Gong.
8. There is no eruv in Venice so the candy they throw at the bar mitzvah boys is reused over and over again. The Sunkist fruit jellies looked like they were about 10 years old. This didn't prevent the NF's two older children from eating about 10 each. Yuck!
9. Someone forgot to teach the Bar Mitzvah boy to read the haftara so someone else got up there to read it (with the bm only making the berachot) but then the Rav realized that no one had bothered to teach the boy the berachot so the rabbi whispered the berachot (before and after) in the bm's ear. Gong.
10. Baal musaf thought he was was a professional chazzan. He wasn't. You know those guys that roll their "rrrrs" thinking they sound chazonish? This guy did that and sounded stupid. His nusach was the pits and every three words had its own submelody making a mish mash of the davening. Gong.
11. Kedusha was the worst. First the guy used that annoying American Naaritzcha melody and then he proceeded to use it again for every other part of kedusah (it doesn't fit). Gong.
12. At this point, the NF's son was complaining of a bad stomachache (I would have had a bad one too had I eaten 10, 10-year old sunkist jellies) and so I decided to go. I missed the sermon which I'm sure included the phrase "Authentic Torah Lifestyle" (doesn't that sound like a condom brand?). The announcements at the shul are usually pretty weird too (Pres of the shul: "Bob got out of prison this week and he is really looking forward to being with us for Shabbat next week.") but I just couldn't take anymore.

It's good to be back in the Holyland...

The NF

Chu"l

2009-08-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hey Boys and Girls -
Sorry for not having posted in ages. I kept waiting for something interesting to happen in shul but it has been a rather boring summer.
The NF is currently in chutz laaretz visiting family. I spent this past Shabbat with my parents in a small mid-western community and davened in thier irritating local yokel shul (not the yekke shul in which I grew up). I was sure that I would come away with some good blog-fodder being that the davening there usually sucks and the baalei kriah don't really know dikduk but alas, I was dissappointed. The NF was asked to daven friday night. Then there was a bar mitzvah Shabbat mornign so a fairly good baal tephilla davened shacharit. I figured with an American bar mitzvah boy leining we would get a few gongs in (especially given that this past week was one of the highly gongabe parshiot) but alas, the bar mitzvah boy didn't lein and instead an Israeli doing his residency at a local hospital leined insraed, nailing every trop and shva nah/nach. Humph. There was nothign to complain about in musaf either. Only slightly amusing story: the gabbai -- originating from the deep South -- doesn't understand a word of Hebrew. Given the large number of guests in for the bar mitzvah (and a shabbat chatan), numerous hosafot were added. The gabbai kept callign each one up as acharon in this heavy Southern drawel. made me crackup. Hey, it was a slow shabbat. Oh and one other thing, after calling up both the bar mitzvah boy and the chatan, the Rabbi led everyone in an awkward, "we are Jewish, this is how we dance" dance around the bimah. Can't these people get lives?

This coming Shabbat we are out on the West coast and should be davening in the weirdest shul in the US (in Venice, CA). I really hope something bizarre happens --- for example, a few years ago a woman came roller blading into shul in the middle of mussaf wearing nothing other than a bikini...it turns out it was the rebbetzin.

the NF

Shabbat in Jerusalem

2009-05-13T01:51:00.000-07:00

The NF's in-laws own a little bed and breakfast on the Midrachov in Jerusalem. It's clean, central, affordable and the kind of place I would want to stay if I were travelling - on budget - to a place like Paris, Madrid, Barcelona etc. However, it is not the kind of place I like to spend Shabbat --- especially given that the NF and his wife have a lovely little house about 30 minutes from Jerusalem. But alas, the NF's mother-in-law is in Israel visiting and the NF's wife informed the NF that we would be spending Shabbat on the Midrachov. This is not the first time we have spent Shabbat in merkaz ha--ir...we ventured a stay in the hotel about 18 months ago. I recall saying then, "I hope I never have to do that again". Oh well.

Anyway, staying in Merkaz Ha-ir afforded the NF the opportunity to go to the Great Synagogue. The NF doesn't love chazzanut per se but the choir is usually Grade A...Given that the Shul is currently without a Chazan Rashi, visting as guest cantor was Lipa Glanz.

First things first, the NF loves when things are just so...that's one reason the NF is an NF and for that reason, I love the Great Synagogue (or any very formal shul)....I love the fact that the Shulchan cover fits perfectly, the fact that the shtenders on the bima each have a differetn symbol reflecting who is meant to sit there (the sign of the state for the PM/President, the J-m sign for the mayor of J-m etc), the place doesn't smell like herring....It makes the place seem like a real mikdash me'at.

Anyway, the NF thoroughly enjoyed:
1. Seeing Jesus show up for Kabbal Shabbat with a group of Polish tourists.
2. Seeing an usher inform Jesus that although he may be a diety, he still needs to wear a kippah in shul.
3. Lipa Glanz's davening. Lipa has avery nice voice -- almost baal tephila-ish...
4. Hearing the choir when they bothered to sing.
5. Seeing the ushers block the doors during Yigdal so that people couldn't leave ----until one old guy pointed to his "makom hamila" and made the pshhhhhhhh sound....the ushers opened the doors pretty quickly.

The NF did not enjoy:
1. The tone deaf old guy that kept bellowing random phrases of the davening every time the choir got singing.

I was shocked to find that Lipa used Carlebach nusach for "Moshe v'Aharon" and then Lcha Dodi. Is it the case that Carebach is a now a valid form of Chazzanut or was the chazzan trying to pimp himself to the kahal by singing soemthign they would actaully recognize? Either way, it wasn't too bad and no one insisted on dancing around the shulachan in that awkward sort of "we are Jewish and this is how we dance" kind of way.

Friday night was miserable for many many reasons that I will not go into....Let me just say that our room had a window which faced the enterence to a night club and from 11:30 PM until 4:30 AM the entire street was literally shaking thanks to the oompa-oompa music. The NF got all of about 2 hours sleep.

Shabbat morning the NF went to a little minyan in Heichal Shelomo that is housed in a room with furniture (aron/ bima etc) from the Sephardi shul in Padua. As noted above, I think the physical setting/avira of the shul can be as important as the nusach itself (places with ugly interiors or that smell like poo/wee/old people/livestock are not my kind of place to daven). Thus, despite a very plain shabbat morning davening led by a bunch of geriatric patients (who for the most part did not smell), it was pleasant enough experience. The NF and his wife peeked into the great synagogue after we had finished davening and managed to catch musaf kedusha....The choir was really not on and simply did not throw any chords for the Chazzan for Naaritzcha. The NF got a kick out of the seeing the chazzan get very peeved when this happened. It was clear that the choir had not had time to rehearse with the chazzan ahead of time...or maybe they just didn't care.

For mincha, the NF and his brother in law went to a little shteibel on Agrippas. It smelled like old herring so when the guy in front of me decided to bring meaning to "v'tisaeini ruach v'eshma acharai kol raash gadol" I almost threw up. I guess the guy remembered that this week was Lag b'omer and thinking of Rabbi Akiva (sheli, shelcha) he decided to share. Such a tzaddik.

The NF is still very tired and I've just been informed that the NF's mother-in-law is joining us for Shabbat at our house this week. Yesurin shel Ahava.

the NF

Would you like some schmaltz herring with your malawach?

2009-05-06T00:56:00.000-07:00

A number of people in the NF's shul told me that my Pesach round-up post was dry, not funny and far too technical. Those same people then mentioned to me that they'd noticed that I haven't blogged in a while. The truth, I have been waiting for someone to royally mess up so that I would have some material to play with...

Such an event occurred at Shabbat Mincha this past week.

This week's theme: Consistency
Before we get to our aforementioned Shabbat Mincha....a public service announcement

"J" of seuda shlishit fame is an excellent baal tephila with a pleasant voice and excellent nusach. But what makes J special is the fact that in the 25+ years since J's bar mitzvah, J has not once altered his nusach or his selection of melodies. Such regularity can generally only be experienced through daily ingestion of Metamucil or a hell of a lot dried fruit. Thus it came as a complete (pleasant) surprise this past Shabbat when J decided to use a new melody for Kel Adon. Well done J....now can you pass me another roll of toilet paper? the guy who used the loo before me seemed to have finished the roll.

Shabbat Mincha
A 13-year old oleh from Australia whose bar mitzvah was only a few months ago led Mincha. First things first, I'd like to give the kid a hearty shkoyach on his willingness to go out there and get some practice as a baal tephilla. Mincha on shabbat is the perfect time to get up there and learn how to be a chazzan not to mention let off some of the steam from lunch's cholent if you know what I mean (there is a reason we say גַּם כִּי-אֵלֵךְ בְּגֵיא צַלְמָוֶת at seudah shlishit)

Given that this kid is a) an oleh chadash b) showed tremendous bravery in davening and c) I'm feeling generous today, we will not be gonging him. Nonetheless, it is important to point out that most inanimate objects could do a better job davening.

OK, so the kid doesn't have the voice of Pavarotti (or Yankel for that matter). that's ok. His mincha sucked because it lacked consistency:

1. Ashrei was said in an Israeli accent
2. By Chazarat Hashatz he was alternating between an Israeli accent, an Israeli accent with a "sa" (avos instead of avot) and the occasional oy as in goymel instead of gomel (his father's accent).
3. He started in Nusach Ashkenaz
4. He reread Elokai Avraham, Elokai yitzchak etc two or three times.
5. He said Baruch....Magen Avraham twice
(OK 4&5 had nothing to do with consistency but it was worth the mention because everyone answered amen twice)
6. Kaddish Titkabel included vayatzmach purkanei
7. the melody/nusach would sort of be there at the beginning of each paragraph and would be gone by the end.

The mitpallel was left feeling confused and kind of icky. When the NF got home and the NF's wife offered him Malawach with schmaltz herring for Seudah Shlishit it was just too much. While the NF likes ethnic food as much as the next guy....(can you pass me another roll of toilet paper please) sometimes mixing and matching different cultures goes and sometimes it doesn't.

Playing with melodies is one thing. I was once at Selihot where Chaim Lazer Herstik (and his amazing choir) sang one stanza of L'shmoa el harina to Adon Haselichot. The NF uses Los Biblicos Cantan (a Ladino Romanza) which most Ashkenazim know as "the Sephardi Tzur Mishalo" for V'shameru in Chazarat Hashat"z of Shabbat Shacharit....but somethings - like nusach and accents - require consistency.

Finally, I'd like to thank Yoni R. for opening the gate to my house this morning. I rewarded Yoni with a cute dirty joke which can't be repeated here becasue Rav Lau may be reading my blog.

Happy Wednesday,

the NF

Pesach Round-up

2009-04-16T03:38:00.000-07:00

My apologies for the lack of postings over the last month but the NF's wife had the NF on cleaning for Pesach duty. Thus, the NF spent much time blowtorching the curtains, ceilings and linens.

Let's begin with Shabbat Hagadol - "Mendy" davens musaf and decides it would be a good idea to sing kaddish to the melody of Mah Nishtana. Thanks Mendy. Don't let the door hit you on your wait out. Mendy has a very nice voice and generally has very very good nusach so I was sort of surprised by his lack of good judgement. Had he used mah nishtana for part of kedusha I would have smiled. Gong.

The NF was asked to do tefillat Tal on the first of Pesach. Didn't do too bad a job if I say so myself. I hadn't davened Tal in 9 years and as I was asked last minute (the night before actually) to daven I couldn't remember what melodies fit the piyyut "Tal Tein". I ended up using a Carlebach niggun (I think it was originally used for "v'hanchilenu" from Birkat Hamazon but I can't be sure). Other melodies that fit:

1. The Seudah Shlishit niggun (it fits to Yonah Maza)

2. Mizmor L'david

3. Barchenu Avinu

4. Naar Hayiti

Other ideas?

Shabbat Chol Hamoed was pretty uneventful other than the fact that the guy who davened musaf didn't really know the yom tov nusach and insisted on singing avinu shebashamayim. It's actually a really nice composition if sung nicely by a choir. Unfortunetly it's become more and more common in the NF's shul to do it EVERY WEEK. (In fact the guy who davened musaf on shabbat chol hamoed always sings it. and badly.) Oversinging it annoys me because:

1. Invariably the baal tephila uses it when we have already been in shul for 3 hours (because of Hallel, Shir Hashirim, Double Parshiot etc) and that adds another 25 minutes to shul. (Ok, not really but it feels like 25 minutes)

2. You need someone who can sing it and enough people in the kahal who can harmonize which is usually not the case.

The NF thinks it should be used for the Shabbay before Yom Haatzmaut and, God Forbid, the first Shabbat after a war breaks out. However, if two or more wars break out, there is no need to keep singing.

The Last day of Chag was pretty uneverntful. Shloime of Shabbat Zachor fame davened aarvit. While Shloime has a really nice voice his nusach was really the pits. It sounded like he heard someone else do Yom Tov Maariv and thought to himself -" boy that can;t be very hard to do". The Brits in the shul were all expecting the Shalosh Regalim Kaddish/March before the amida. Nothing doing. One Israeli in the shul once told me that the Kaddish of dread (used before maftir in the US and before the amida on Friday night in the UK) is only used in Israel during Maariv for shalosh regalim. That may be the case but Shloime didn;t do that one either. Instead he did the regular friday night kaddish without the fancy finish letting everyone know that it was chag. Gong. Maybe it's time to lay off the Slivovitz...And go back to Nusach school.

Mendy davened musaf beautifully but I gave him a grade of B for the simple reason that despite the late hour he thought it would be a good idea to sing, you guessed it, avinu shebashamayim. Other than that his nusach was very very good. Question to those who know these things: For v'Te'erav on chag do you switch to yamim noraim nusach until Hamachazir shchinato ltzion?

One final note, over Pesach one mitpallel mentioned that while davening at the kotel he overheard a baal tephila try to sing hodu/ana Hashem to the meoldy from Adir Hu (which is actually the "correct" nusach according to the Yekkes). But the guy screwed up and sang Maoz Tzur instead. Classic error. Another classic - mixing up Neila and Tal/Geshem. Any others?

כִּי אֵיכָכָה אוּכַל, וְרָאִיתִי, בָּרָעָה, אֲשֶׁר-יִמְצָא אֶת-עַמִּי

2009-03-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

Oy. Oy meh haya lanu. My Shabbat Zachor --- by the NF.

Two yekkes are standing outside Adas Yeshurun in Frankfurt-am-Main discussing Purim. the discussion goes as follows:

Chaver Shimshon: "Chaver Refael, do you know why we read part of megillos esther to the melody of Eichoh?"

Chaver Refael: "No, Chaver Shimshon, why?"

Chaver Shimshon: "Because even on our happiest days we shouldn't be too happy"

Chaver Refael: "If that's so, why don't we read the entie megillos esther to the melody of eichoh?"

Chaver Shimshon: "No one should ever be THAT happy."

The NF is not a big fan of Purim --- the balagan, the noise the levels of excess, the whole v'nahafoch hu thing just doesn't do it for me. I like things orderly, in thier place etc. For the same reasons I don't enjoy Simchat Torah very much either.

There are many things that drive me crazy on Purim

having to sit - while still fasting --- through a long megilla reading at night with some 11 year old sounding an air horn every time he hears Haman giving me a nasty migraine.
The sheer levels of waste that go into Mishloach Manot
How the idea of v'nahafoch hu has morphed into a blanket heter to do anything and everything during tephilla not only on Purim itself, but also on the Shabbat before (Zachor). The NF would like to rant and rave for a moment on this very point.

The NF can carry a tune (translation: I have been trained as a baal tephilla --- I end up davening every 6-8 weeks and generally lead a tephilla or 2 or 3 over R"H and Y"k)...when I got to shul this past Friday afternoon, the gabbai asked me if I wanted to daven. Being that I hadn't slept in about 4 days and had a bad headache, I declined....instead a kid got up there to lead....

One of the gabbaim then hijacked Lecha Dodi and used the melody from Meshenichnas Adar. (It sort of fits). then they started dancing. Knowing my feelings about melodies that sort of fit and dancing during kabbalat shabbat the Gonging Gabbai then came over to me to see what I thought. Being in a generous mood, I responded that there is no gonging on Shabbat Zachor or on Purim....At least that's how I felt until I got to shul on Shabbat Morning.

While putting on my talit, I was informed that I was davening Shacharit --- no big deal. As an honest NF, I need to admit that I gonged myself --- I went a little flat on a little chazzzanus bit at the end of Yishtabach that I picked up from Lionel Rosenfeld and the Shabbaton Choir. I'd nailed that bit a number of times....not sure what threw me off this Shabbat. The judges were kind although the score from the Bulgarian judge was only a 6.5. Gong.

We finished up leining zachor in the ashkenazi, sephardi and teimani traditions. One guy named Bob also insisted in reading it in "burp voice" but again I was in a generous mood and no gongs were given out. Then it happened. It was 10:20 AM (we usually finish by 9:45), it was hot in the house we were davening in and there were about 300 women waiting outside to hear zachor. Shloime Baruch gets up there and decides that it would be a good idea to shlep. First he sang avinu sheba shamayim . 20 minutes later he finished and I think that everyone in the shul agreed that he deserved a gonging. Even Shloime's mother.

Shloime put back the torah and starts kaddish to the melody of the Y"k victory kaddish (why he didn't use the y"k pre-musaf kaddish is also a mystery) . Gong. Then in chazarat hashatz, he did a whole chazzanus piece that led into the melody of avot from the yamim noraim. Gong. In kedusha he used yachad yachad for Keter and messed up the phrasing. Gong. He then repeated Kvodo maleh olam about 30 times until a bat kol came and down and informed us that The Abishter couldn't stand it any more and He and His Kavod would be exiting the olam for a little while. Gong. Adding insult to injury, Shloime then used the Carlebach mimkomcha for mimkomo...that would be fine except that it had already been used in Aarvit friday night and in NF's shacharit kedusha. You can't keep reusing the same melodies like that. Although I try to be dan lchaf zchut, I have a feeling that Shloime came a bit late to shul and was unaware that the melody had already been used. Gong. The reaction to Shloime's offensive davening was the mitpalilim started having shilshul right there in the shul --- that is all the mitpalilim other than the constipated ones. they threw up.

you know you have done something wrong when Yankel of El Solo Mio fame 's reaction is: "You don't mess with Yom Kippur. That was wrong. I'm having a bunch of guys over for Cornettos after shul. Shloime is not invited". Gong.

A fellow mitpalel overheard Shloime explain that his shananagins were based on what his yeshiva used ot do on Shabbat Zachor. Of course Shloime learned at Yeshivat Malbish Arumim in Eilat --- not exactly a bastion of erudition and scholarship.

The NF does not understand why people constantly confuse simcha with making fun of davening. The same sort of thing that happened in NF's shul this past week happens on Simchat Torah. I'm all for creating a unique avira on special shabbatot. In Gush, the chutznikim would form a choir for Shabbat Zachor and the best best best baalei tephila led davening.In my little yekke shul growing up we celebrated Simchat Torah through pomp and circumstance rather than through wild partying. There is no reason special occaisons must be somber but making the davening on special days hefker only goes to degrade, not enhance.

Chag Purim Sameach,

the NF

Huh?

2009-02-16T01:16:00.000-08:00

The NF attended the Gush many years back and although I wouldn't consider myself a "Gushie" I am a huge fan of Rav Yehuda Amital's. I recall having heard in his name that by and large melodies are not mekabel tumah (If I'm misquoting Rav Amital, I kindly request that all the Gushies reading this to refrain from flaming me badly --- simply correct what I've mistated). In other words, there is nothing inherently wrong with singing the melody certainly from a secular song and even from a (non-Jewish) religious song. (In contrast, trying to make use of the words from a (non-Jewish) religious prayer could pose halachik problems.) Thus in theory, melodies from Jewish, secular or non-Jewish religious sources can be used in tephilla.

Now that doesn't mean that you HAVE TO or SHOULD use random melodies. Baalei tephila still need to think about whether the melody is appropriate. Will using the melody enhance davening/kavanah or will it distract? Lastly, can the baal tephilla pull off singing an unusal solo or will the melody go unrecognized as the guy flies off key?

As a kid I once heard the story of a chazzan in our little German shul in my hometown that for "ועל כולם סלח לנו" in the vidui of y"k one year in the 1960s, a melody taken from a Cabaret in Berlin from before WWII was used. The chazzan's argument was that by using a melody that would bring to mind a strip tease, he was helping the mitpalel focus on his sins. Needless to say the chazzan's contract was not renewed for the following year.

This past Shabbat, a guy, let's call him Yankel, got up there in NF's local shul and for kedusha of Shacharit used "O sole mio". This is how it went:

1. Yankel begins Mimkomcha rather shakely. After a few bars, a distinct melody is still yet to immerge.
2. No one is really sure where Yankel is going with this and there is very akward silence
3. Yankel actually hits some of the more difficult notes at the end of O sole mio and repeats the melody in the 2nd part of Mimkomcha
4. Members of the kahal are looking at one another nervously and silently mouthing - "WTF"
5. Yankel again hits some of the diffuclt notes and finishes kedusha. The kahal is relieved
6. As Yankel begins yismach moshe, members of the kahal try to figure out what the hell that was --- the English amongst us are convinced its the Cornetto advert. Some members start licking their talitot.
7. Members of the kahal go home after shul ends and note that the cholent has gone off, the sephirot are out of wack and they have this incredible urge to mix dance.
8. Members begin to pass thier children to molech and cohort with the daughters of Midian.

Yes, Yankel is guilty of using a melody that was inappropriate. Maybe Yankel innocently felt that an Italian love song could reflect his yearning for the geula (or an ice cream cone) and thus could bring the kahal to reach spiritual nirvana in that heimish sort of way. But what Yankel did was wrong, plain wrong. In some kehillot Yankel would be taken out and shot. But we are a kinder, gentler kehilla. Instead we'll just give him a warning and a massive GONG. Please Yankel, for the sake of our children, don't do it again.

the NF

Highly gongable parshiot

2009-02-07T12:05:00.000-08:00

Today we read one of the most highly gonagble parshiot in the Torah as Parshat B'Shalach includes Az Yashir....There is nothing like a baal koreh reading through Az Yashir and making dikduk/pronounciation mistakes indicating that not only did he not prepare the parasha well enough (gong!), he's also a dufus (sp?) because he has now shown the entire kehilla that he mis-reads Az Yashir everyday while davening shacharit (double gong!). Of course this assumes that the dufus in question actaully davens everyday but that is a whole other discussion. For the record, the guy who lained today in the NF's local yokel shul did mess up a bit but more from brain freeze, not from not knowing how to read az yashir. Thus he was not gonged (unlike the dufus who messed up his bar mitzvah parsha at mincha). However, he did not get a second helping of dessert at lunch.

Other highly gongable parshiot include Ve'etchanan (shma), E'kev (v'haya im shemoa) and Shlach (Tzitzit).

As an aside perek 15, pasuk 16 presents one of the classic opportunities where screwing up a shva na/nach changes the meaning of the word/phrase.

תִּפֹּל עֲלֵיהֶם אֵימָתָה וָפַחַד בִּגְדֹל זְרוֹעֲךָ יִדְּמוּ כָּאָבֶן

Note the dagesh in the dalet of yid'emu. Missing the dagesh (yidmu instead of yid'emu) will lead to a misreading of the word and changing the meaning of the phrase from "they will be as still as a stone" to "they will be similiar like a stone". (triple gong!)

Mazal Tov to my chavruta Yoni R on passing the vaad mishmeret stam oral exam and thus becoming a sofer stam musmach....Mazal Tov to the nusach freak as well for passing the aforementioned exam.

Below is a picture of the nusach freak's latest megillat esther.

I'm not thrilled with the writing --- I made a new quill right before beginning the column and while testing the quill on a scrap piece of klaf I was getting much sharper writing....the cow/calf that "donated" the klaf must have been anti-semitic. Only logical answer.

Shavua Tov....

Distinctions

2009-01-15T00:23:00.000-08:00

Apologies for not blogging over the last couple of weeks....

We begin this week's blog with a joke recently told me by my next-door-neighbor (and chavruta) --- So What's the difference between rude and crude?
Rude is where you thrown your underwear against the wall. Crude is when they stick.

(hat-tip to Yoni --- Mazal Tov on Passing Shlav Aleph)

Why do I begin with such a disgusting and tasteless joke (other than the fact that almost all of my own jokes are disgusting and tasteless?). Because this week's blog is about distinctions and specifically what is yekkish and what is litvish.
Now I'm not going to go into the fact that the yekkish nusach is pretty distant from the litvish nusach in respect to melodies, trop, minhagim and actual texts. That's pretty much a given. Rather, what behavior is yekkish and what is litvish?

A good friend of mine, "J", a superb baal tefilla with excellent nusach who typically arrives to shul on time (although vatikin is not his thing) began showing up to shul around leining starting a few weeks ago. The reason: "J" was concerned that in the winter months the mitzvah of seudah shlishit was not being observed properly. By the time lunch ended, it would be time for mincha and who wants to wash and have a meal just after finishing lunch. So---- "J" began attending the neighborhood hashkama minyan at 7:00 AM, went home after Schacharit, made kiddush and hamotzi so as to be yotzai the second seuda and then came --- at roughly 8:40 --- to the 8:00 minyan to catch leining and musaf. After shul, "J" could go home and have seudah shlishit. (One question for "J" --- isn't there an inyan to have seudah shlishit after davening mincha? The last time I checked, there is no mincha gedola miyan on Shabbat in our neighborhood)

So "J" finished expaining all of this to me one Shabbat and then asked --- "so you like it, huh? Pretty yekkish of me, yeah?"

My response: First of all, it is not yekkish, it is litvish and while I appreciate the somewhat elegant solution "J" has developed (and "J"'s committment to having all three seudot shabbat al hasovah), it's not for me - I'll explain why below.

Litvish means that there is ultimate dedication to meeting halachic requirements as best as possible. Yekkish means that there is ultimate dedication to minhag (and of course being on time). That is not to say that the yekke's aren't dedicated to meeting halachic requirements.

Given "J"'s example, a litvish solution focuses on attending two different shuls, potentially missing part of kriat hatorah and being 100% yotzai the more machmir deot regarding seudah shlishit (I'm assuming "J" can explain the mincha issue to me). In contrast, the yekke will insist on eating seudah shlishit exactly at 4:47 PM (and 31 seconds), beer, kaiser rolls and herring will be served and exactly 4 zemirot will be sung so that benching will be completed 2.5 minutes (the amoutn of time it takes to put on your jacket and hat and get to the beit knesset) before "ldovid" is started before aarvit motzash --- just like in Frankfurt before the war.

So why don't I like the Litvish approach? First of all, having grown up with yekkes I developed an affinity for both beer and kaiser rolls. You can eat the herring yourself. More seriously,
1. I don't like solutions that don't work for the entire world. What I mean by that is, if everyone wanted to do what "J" was doing in regard to Seudah Shlishit, everyone would go to Hashkama and then leave before leining thus ending the hashkama minyan. Meanwhile no one would show up to the main minyan on time...(another example is the minhag/chumra not to buy/use chametz that was sold over Pesach to a goy --- people who follow this chumra/minhag will wait a few weeks until supermarket goods that were "sold" over Pesach are effectively turned-over.... except that if everone followed this minhag these good would never move off the shelves)
2. While "J"'s solution elegantly finds away to observe two complete shabbat meals in a short time span, he must go to 2 seperate minyanim for Shabbat morning davening to do so. That's just weird in my book but to each their own.

Shabbat Shalom

NF

The Children - they are our future....and GONG!

2008-12-29T05:07:00.001-08:00

Let me begin with a post-Chanuka gong: The guy who davened musaf in our shul this past Shabbat decided to use the melody from Maoz Tzur for the last section of kedusha.

Ok, we got it already! We lit candles last night, we ate sufganiyot and livivot, we just leined out of three sifrei torah, we said full hallel on a rosh hodesh. Using the maoz tzur melody was completely uncalled for. Also, at least the way he sang it, it didn't fit. Jingle bells or silent night would have fit better.

Conclusion: Gong and no more sufganiyot for you.

I ended up leining on the fly at mincha --- my father had asked me to lein Vayigash about 20 years ago for my grandfather's yahrzeit. No one else had prepared the mincha lenining so I volunteered. One of the gabbaim knows about this blog and threathened to gong me if I messed up but luckily I didn't.

And now to our main topic: Children.

It is clear that the best way to get children active in a shul and train them to be baalei tephila is to get them involved from a young age. Growing up in chu"l that meant leading adon olam/yigdal from age 6 and graduating to anim zemirot by age 9 or 10. (some boys also sang with the shul choir picking up a bit of nusach along the way) Then nusach was taught to many guys as they learned to lein for their bar mitzvah. Then while in high school many guys attended a teen/youth minyan during high school where they could hone their davening skills. (Those guys with the better voices were also taught to be baalei tephila for the chagim/yamim noraim.) Many shuls had 1-2 youth shabatot a year where the teenagers in the shul would take over the main minyan to give them a taste of a minyan that didn't involve sniffing one anothers farts and trying to see if davening could be finished in under an hour and ten minutes (I used to go to the Bnai Yeshurun youth minyan --- I speak from experience). Also, these youth shabbatot afforded the teenagers in the community the opportunity to learn how to discuss stocks/sports and women in a spiritual setting.

In Israel things are a bit different of course. The 6-9 year-olds still do anim zemirot but they are also asked to lead Kabbalat Shabbat and Pesukei D'zimra. That is all well and good except these boys often have davening leading skills that are on par with a walrus. (This past week a kid actually did a very good job leading kabbalat shabbat although he did mess up the very first line --- לכו נרננה --- which earned him a gonging. Shabbat morning, a 10 year old led psukei dzimra and took 35 minutes --- that earned the gabbai a gonging!)

My problems with having kids lead kabbalat shabbat at such a young age are as follows:

1. Kabbalat Shabbat can be a really nice tephilla. But in many Israeli shuls it is always given to a kid to do which means week in and week out we are getting a rather uninspiring davening at best and alvin and the chipmunks doing lecha dodi at worst.

2. In classic Israeli fashion, the boys are never really taught how to daven --- they just kind of get up there and do it חפיפניק style. Depsite it being their mother tongue, dikduk is less than perfect and the meoldy/nusach used can be pretty crappy. Very rarely does their poor leading of kabbalat shabbat morph into good davening after their bar mitzvahs....

Conclusions:

1. The pre-bar mitzvah boys should be taught how to daven before they get up there....

2. there should be some sort of schedule for how often a kid leads versus an adult....

Now I have to get back to shopping for that gong...

The Gong

2008-12-21T05:44:00.000-08:00

This past Friday night the dvar torah between Kabbalat Shabbat and Arvit really sucked. Not just regular sucked, it really sucked. It was a ramble, boring, included silly gematrias etc.

Currently the shul I belong to is homeless as we raise money for a building. Not only are we homeless but no public buildings exist in the neighborhood so every week we daven in a different family's home.

So anyway, the really sucky dvar torah reminded me that when we finally get our building up I want to donate a gong. (yeah, I know that use of a gong can pose some problems on Shabbat but we'll just have to get Machon Tzomet to develop something for us). Anyway, everytime some does something sucky, the gabbaim (or me for that matter) gan gong the guy down.

Over Shabbat, a fellow mitpallel and I discussed some really sucky examples (that actually happened):
1. Using "yellow submarine" for the end of ein kitzvah
2. Using boi kala (Achinoam Nini) for Omnem Ken on Yom Kippur eve
3. Using any choson's tisch tune for Selichot on Yom Kippur eve (I was in a shul where this happened and all I could think about was smorg food)
4. Using "It's raining its pouring" or "singing in the rain" for kedusha on Shmini Atzeret. While inya dyoma might be there, it's kitchy and inappropriate.

Finally, the gabbaim messed up this past shabbat and during birchat hachodesh they told the shatz that rosh chodesh was going to be on Shabbat (and forgetting that it will also be on Sunday).
I just have one thing to say:

GONG!

Parshat Vayeshev

2008-12-16T01:48:00.000-08:00

Three items for this week...

First, some humour for those who told me that my blog is not funny enough. My first year living in NY, I rented an apartment on 105th and Broadway. More often than not, on Shabbat morning I ended up davening at a small schteibel on 103rd and West End (Minchat Chinuch-Baba"d). when Parshat Vayeshev rolled around some guys at the schteibel told a (most likely an apocryphal) story of a woman (according to the story a Barnard or JTS student) that would enjoy correcting the baal koreh from the ezrat nashim. This of course annoyed the men of the schteibel. When Parshat Vayeishev rolled around, the men got the baal koreh to intentionally misread Perek ל"ט, pasuk ז, --- here is the correct way to read it:

וַיְהִי, אַחַר הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה, וַתִּשָּׂא אֵשֶׁת-אֲדֹנָיו אֶת-עֵינֶיהָ, אֶל-יוֹסֵף; וַתֹּאמֶר, שִׁכְבָה עִמִּיוַיְהִי, אַחַר הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה,

וַתִּשָּׂא אֵשֶׁת-אֲדֹנָיו אֶת-עֵינֶיהָ, אֶל-יוֹסֵף; וַתֹּאמֶר, שִׁכְבָה עִמִּי

The baal koreh read the last two words שִׁכְבָה עִמִּו -- our feminist baal koreh correcter than called out שִׁכְבָה עִמִּי. The baal koreh listened and repeated שִׁכְבָה עִמִּו. Again our feminist repeated שִׁכְבָה עִמִּי (sleep with me!!!!) calling out the phrase a number of times loudly until she realized that all the men in the schteibel were looking at her and smiling. Needless to say, the feminist never returned to the schteibel....

Nusach question: This week is mevarchim hachodesh for Tevet. So what is the correct/appropriate meoldy to use for יחדשיהו? Maoz Tzur seems out of place but then again, past of chanuka always falls out in Tevet. The Yekke shul in Ramot with the extensive yekke nusach project doesn't have a file up for Tevet. However, the Moreshet Ashkenaz website says יחדשיהו should be to one of the Chanuka melodies.

Lastly for you more modernish folk out there....what do you think of using a little Andrew Lloyd Weber in kedusha? Joseph fits perfectly for Shma in Kedusha of Mussaf (nusach Ashkenaz or Sephard)....

Venice, Italy and Nusach Carelbach --

2008-12-11T02:25:00.000-08:00

So two weeks ago I ended up in Venice, Italy for Shabbat (long story and largely irrelevant to the Nusach blog). Naturally, I avoided davening with the Chabadnikim given the chance to daven with the Italians. The Italian minyan actually followed a hybrid nusach of 90% Spanish & Portuguese and 10% Minhag Roma...and it was gorgeous.

Now here's what I don't get. Go into any random Ashkenazi modern Orthodox shul where there is no chazzan and you will get baal habatim doing the davening/leining. Invariably, one of the following things happens:

1. The chazzan will not only be unable to carry a tune but will have no idea of what he's reading evidenced by the rediculously bad phrasing and dikduk.

2. The nusach will be butchered or at a minimum, the chazzan will lose the nusach for a few workds here or there (for instance, when switching to shabbat nusach at the end of kedusha of mincha)

3. The baal koreh will get most of the pasha right but a few taamim will be missed and the occaisonal mistake will be made resulting in the entire shul screaming out the correct pronounciation. It's one reason why many people go to shul...(Hey Yanki, want to go to shul with Tatty to play heckle and correct the baal koreh?)

In contrast, between Kabbalat Shabbat, Arvit, Zemirot (Pesukei d'Zimra), Shacharit, Kriat Hatorah, Musaf and Mincha not a single mistake was made. There is no formal chazzan in the shul ---Friday night an Israeli (temani) transplant to Venice was the Shat"z and there was literally not a note different than what is done on a Friday night at Shearith Israel in New York. More surprisingly, Shacharit was led by a kid who looked no older than 22 or 23, did not exactly look yeshivesh (more Italian, fresh out of an espresso bar in Milano look), a typical Venetian local yokal, and his chazzaning was perfect --- everything was said out loud and his dikduk, nusach and transitions between the nusachy and singy bits were 100% perfect.

This is not the first time I have been overwhelmed by how importnant attention to detail is in sephardi batei knesset. Why is it that Ashkenazi tephilot don't come out the same way? Is it somethig in how the kids are educated?

This past shabbat, back in Israel, the shatz in my local shul used Carlebach. Being tired after a long (boring) work week and an even longer Friday getting ready for Shabbat, I had little patience for awkward Kabbalat Shabbat dancing (c'mon, you know what I'm talkign about) and 25 minutes of ny ny ny ny ny....Luckily, my 2-year old, who had spent all of Kabbalat Shabbat next to me happily munching on a candy had had enough and after Lechad Dodi insisted we go home. I was happy to oblige. On the way home it dawned on me why Sephardi (and paticularly Western Sephardi) and Yekke batei knesset have such a different character than the run of the mill Ashkenazi batei knesset and especially those that allow nusach Carlebach now and again:

It's all about philosophy of prayer --- and how we view our tephillot (avodah shebalev) as a replacement for the avodah in the mikdash.

If we are focused on creating a tekes or formal ceremony to take the place of a very formalized (and I imagine a largely unemotional avoda that was conducted in the mikdash) we will try to develop a tephilla that is focused on perfection --- nothing can be off. Everything like the ancient avoda istelf must be done in a formalized manner with pomp and circumstance (l'chavod u'litipharet?) . Of course, as part of this formalized process, we need to speak out to God.
The idea of ny ny nying and dancing in shul seems very out of place according to this philosophy.

On the other hand if we are to focus on reaching out to God via a spiritual experience (focusing on the shebalev part of avodah shebalev) than we don't have to worry about little mistakes in our nusach or for that matter, our didkduk --- the important thing is too get the vibe going....Clearly, chassidut has a strong influence on the latter school of thought.

There is no right or wrong here...just different approaches. Personally, I grew up in that more formal environment and therefore, I find the ny ny nying and dancing in shul thing very foreign and even more so because it is often accompanied by poor nusach/dikduk. However, I do love beautiful singing (both Ashkenazi and Sephardi) ...and I am quick to get a spiritual high from nicely sung davening (with multi part harmony of course) and this helps me to focus my tephillot to the Almighty.

Enough shtuyot...back to work.
Shabbat Shalom

Nusach Man

Introducing myself to the blogosphere

2008-12-09T01:34:00.000-08:00

Where do I begin?
A bit of background - I am an American Oleh living in the merkaz area...
I grew up in a small midwestern town with a small Jewish Community and despite the fact that my family is technically Sephardi, we went to a Breuer's Satellite Shul. I guess that's where I picked up a taste for proper nusach...

When I talk about nusach I mean three things:
1. Getting phrasing and dikduk right
2. Singing the traditional nusach in the appropriate places (for example, not using Avot from Musaf on Shabbat for Mincha)
3. Picking appropriate melodies for non-nusachy sections of the tephilla.

Now I might be a nusach freak but I do take it with a grain of salt --- I recognize that a) God might not be listening anyway and if He is he'll understand our poor phrasing/dikduk anyway b) the nusach we have - while certainly incorporating very old elements - is largely modern and c) picking of melodies is a subjective and aesthetic issue.

Anyway, I'll be writing my random thoughts on nusach...